Monday, 11 March 2013

Deceiving Appearances

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Only last week I took my granddaughters to the park on a warm, sunny day and we admired the crocus flowers and had a walk in the sunshine, thinking that Spring was really here. Today it is bitterly cold and trying to snow.
No, not everything is how it appears to be.

I am going to have a bit of a rant because there is something on my mind, tricky though it might be.
I've already written before about a mother who left her children every weekend for several years so that she could be with someone else, a richer man altogether. It was so easy to take their father to court and demand full custody even though they were devoted to their father and had been living with him contentedly. The amount of suffering this court case caused to the whole family cannot be described, not to mention the financial cost to their father and new family they now live in. The outer family had to watch the children cry and become upset because they just wanted to be left alone and didn't want to see her at all. So you can imagine just how hurt they have been by her behaviour.

The case is still not over. The court has so far agreed that they are better off with their father but the mother is being granted alternate weekend custody with an overnight stay. This is the cause of the problem because they don't want to go. There isn't really any choice because that is what the court has decided. In a few weeks time they will have to go back to court to see how they are getting on.
The problem doesn't end there. The mother, who used to dislike the grandparents intensely, is now calling to pick up and has turned sickly sweet, enquiring about their health and wellbeing, pretending to be really interested while all the time just trying to get out information about the childrens' activities, comings and goings and things that her ex doesn't tell her. 
Doesn't she realise that she is hurting her children beyond repair and that their happiness is more important than anything else? The trips they get from their visits to their mother and new partner are expensive but don't they realise that the two children would prefer a simple picnic in their garden or a walk with the dogs with people that they love?  Money cannot buy love. There are consequences when you let your children down. It might be a long time before they feel they can trust her again and making them do things against their will, won't make them close to her at all. One day they will be old enough to say "No." In the mean time it is very sad to have to witness this anxiety and sadness.
What do others think?


Akelamalu said...

I think the children's wishes should always be paramount in cases like these. It's so sad. :(

We have bright blue skies and sunshine here. However it is bloomin' freezing and keeps trying to snow!

Celia said...

Poor kids, wish they could be let be where they're happy.

Our weather gurus have not been right for weeks. Rain and wind, to quiet and brillant sunshine, back and forth, its anyone's guess. The plants keep coming up though.

Jackie said...

My heart is heavy for the children, their dad and their paternal grandparents.
I will continue to pray for this situation my dear friend...

Hilary said...

This is a tough one. I do believe that the kids should be able to express how they feel and have great input into the situation and that their input should be a first consideration.

I also believe that they have a right and a need (if not at this moment, they will one day) to know their mother despite the abandonment.

I am so sorry for their anxiety. Their dad and grandparents, no doubt do what they can to be upbeat about them seeing their mother. Conflict can only intensify their anxiety.

Sadly, this legal decision is out of your control. What's in your power is to make it as comfortable as possible for the kids. The mother can and should know your displeasure at being on the receiving end of her phone calls/fishing for information. But never in front of the kids and take care about giving her any ammunition to use on the kids if she is so inclined.

I hope it will resolve for the best for the children. They are the ones who count most.

Brian Miller said...

ugh...its all too real...i used to supervise visits and have seen it all play out...peoples selfish motives come into play anbd they dont think about the children...and it does nt become about the children either...its rather sad....

those flowers are in my front yard as

Expat mum said...

Very difficult. In this situation the courts have obviously made the decision in the hopes that the relationship will one day be better. You also have to bear in mind the many instances where one parent literally poisons the children against the other; so even though the kids don't want to visit said parent, it's because they have been brain-washed to think s/he is an evil person when it's not true in reality. It's very difficult for the courts to know when this has happened and when it's different.
Vey sad though.

Secret Agent Woman said...

That's very sad. Here the courts let kids have a say when they are 12 or so - what are the riles there? I hate that you have so little control over the situation.

Mary Gilmour said...

Kids used as weapons - sick! And the extended family can only do so much if they are to protect the poor kidlets.
No ideas that would help.

Want two feet of wet, soggy snow? I've got it to give away. It's also melting during the day now and the laneway etc is a sea of mud. Ew, spring in eastern Ontario.

Geraldine said...

Love the crocuses but what a sad story...some people have such warped values. Hard to imagine thinking like this but it happens all too often. :<(

Sandi McBride said...

the children know more of the situation and their feelings should always be held in regard...hope it all works out for the best!

Ayak said...

I've had personal experience of this, going through the breakdown of my marriage when my children were small, and their father trying to turn them against me. It's something I didnt, and would never, do. In the long term the children realise this and work it all out for themselves. It's a very sad and frustrating time for grandparents..not wanting to interfere...but having to remain on the sidelines and watch the sadness.

mrsnesbitt said...

Poor kids xxxxx Makes me angry when selfishness rules a family situation.

Anonymous said...

The children are the only thing that matters. Too often parents use their children as pawns in a broken marriage and have no idea what long-term damage they are doing.

If they are better off living with their father and the mother knows this, then it would be selfish of her to insist otherwise. It's such a hard situation but the children should always come first.

CJ x

Jinksy said...

I think children's voices are the ones which should be heard!