Friday, 7 March 2014

Guilty Or Not Guilty?

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Last Tuesday, Harry had to attend the local Oncology hospital for his 6 weekly check up and as he had caught the bus and walked the short distance at the other end many times by himself and had assured me that he didn't want me to go with him, I decided to go to my Silver Screen film of the week, *One Chance.* It was about a man, Paul Potts, who wanted to be an opera singer since he was a young lad and the film portrayed all the difficulties that he faced because of his background and circumstances holding him back. It was based on a true story and I like that kind of film. As the story transported me to another plane, was a bit funny in places and had a happy ending, I came home in a happy frame of mind, ready to tell Harry all about it. That is until I got home and found he had been brought back in a Police car because he had collapsed on his way home from his check up. Thankfully there are many kind people about and three different individuals stopped to help him and called a paramedic, who gave him the once over and it was decided that his legs just gave out and that he hadn't lost consciousness. As Harry refused to go to A and E, the Police decided to give him a lift home, much to his indignation. The hospital had told him he has Shingles in a band round one side of his chest and prescribed some medication for this. He had no idea that he had it and I wonder if that had made him feel unwell. 

Now why didn't I have any idea that he had Shingles let alone a rash? Do I have to examine him all over every night? And........ does this mean that I'm a horrible, neglectful wife to leave him to his own devices? Even had I been with him, I'd  have been unable to do much more than the people who helped him while he was on his own as I have no car. If I'm not, then why do I feel so guilty and feel now that I shouldn't go out and leave him?

22 comments:

Expat mum said...

Oh dear, what a dilemma. Think of it this way, if you had insisted on going with him, it would have compromised his dignity. He doesn't want to feel dependent on you any more than you want to have to check him every night and go everywhere with him. Don't feel guilty Maggie, it's what he wanted to do and you're right, even if you had been there, you wouldn't have been able to prevent it.

rosaria williams said...

What can you do but live each day and hope for the best? You couldn't have predicted what happened to Harry; and you couldn't help him even if you had gone with him. I guess the only thing to do is plan a taxi ride both ways for each of his medical visits if you or him are concerned about future problems.

Celia said...

There's no way to know that might happen. You're not a neglectful wife. I'd guess he needs to live his life as he can. When I cared for my Dad, the only place he wanted to be taken was to far off car only Dr. appointments and a drive to grocery to load up with heavier things. Glad you got out to a film. Our energy is kind of like a bank and you have to put something in now and then to take something out. Keeping you both in my prayers.

Jackie said...

Shingles can be a painful condition; I do pray that your Harry feels better very soon.
Harry told you that he didn't want you to go with him, so all you can do is oblige his wishes, dear Maggie. Seeing his condition at the present, maybe overriding his wishes for you to not attend the next oncology visit might be in order. Time will tell.
I'm sending you a great biiiiig hug right now this very moment.
Always,
Jackie

Hilary said...

Not guilty, Maggie. You can't predict. You shouldn't expect. Harry sounds like a stubborn man. I know what that's like. He needs to do things his way, and if getting to and from an appointment is important to him, you have no choice but to do your own thing. And like you said, you couldn't have done anything else to make it easier so try to let that part of it go.

Shingles are very painful. I'm surprised he didn't know he has them.

Formerly known as Frau said...

These things happen Maggie don't take it out on yourself...thank goodness there are still kind stranger out there. I'm so sorry Harry has shingles that can be quite painful. Keeping you both in thoughts and prayers!

Secret Agent Woman said...

I'm guessing having autonomy is important to your husband, making it worth the risk. You can't be there every second or prevent every possible bad thing. Please go easy on yourself.

Irene said...

When Harry says that he is quite capable of going to his appointment on his own, you have to take his word for it and let him go. He is an adult after all. Maybe he ought to take a taxi the next time just to be sure. xox

dianefaith said...

We never will do every single thing in our lives the way we designate-- often after the fact -- as "right." It's not possible, and life isn't that easy to categorize anyway. It takes only half a second reading your blog posts to know what a caring individual you are. If you can, let the guilt go. I bet Harry was mad as a hornet that his independence got thwarted. We have to accept so much as we get older.

Sue said...

not guilty! It is so hard to find the balance. On the one hand you want to trust what your husband says, and if he says he wants to do something on his own, give him the right to do as he wishes. On the other hand, you want to guard against leaving him without support when he needs it.

Maggie May said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ayak said...

Poor Harry. But mostly poor you Maggie. It doesn't matter what anyone says, if you are the kind of person to feel guilty when you really shouldn't, then you won't change.

We can't possibly predict these things. You cannot be responsible for Harry's every move. OK I'll say to you...stop the guilt...but I'm sure you won't take any notice. Lots of Love xxx

Wisewebwoman said...

In your own wise way you will work your way through these feelings. Guilt is an old toughie. Likes to hang around and catch you by the throat.

Talk to Harry.

I am so glad you enjoyed that movie. I loved it.

XO
WWW

Wisewebwoman said...

In your own wise way you will work your way through these feelings. Guilt is an old toughie. Likes to hang around and catch you by the throat.

Talk to Harry.

I am so glad you enjoyed that movie. I loved it.

XO
WWW

RNSANE said...

Not guilty, dear Maggie. You could not predict this incident and Harry needs to feel he can have some independence. I'm glad you got out to enjoy a movie. We, of course,will always manage to blame ourselves when something like this happens,justified or not. DON'T.

Rose said...

It's only natural to feel guilty, but you certainly shouldn't, Maggie. You couldn't have known this was going to happen, and as Rnsane said, I'm sure Harry likes to feel he is capable of doing things on his own, too. You need to take care of yourself, too, and you deserve a movie outing each week.

I've been told the shingles can be pretty miserable, so I hope Harry isn't too uncomfortable with them.

Retired English Teacher said...

I understand your feelings of guilt and questioning whether or not you did the right thing, but really, how would you ever know he would collapse? I don't know if you both would have walked together or not if you had gone, but in the future, I think a taxi is in order. If my hubby says he really doesn't want me to go with him, I don't go. Besides, you needed some time of escape and relaxation. You just can't care for him every minute of the day. In reality, I think you did the exact right thing by going to the movies based on the knowledge you had at the time. We can't know the future. Also, if Harry had noticed a change in his skin, he could have told you, but men are just not prone to notice such things.

Take care, dear Maggie. Don't feel guilty.

And, I do so like the music of Paul Potts. I did not know there was a movie about him. You must have really enjoyed it.

Suburbia said...

Definitely NOT guilty Maggie. You need to have those moments apart and to find something that you enjoy. Like you say, you being there wouldn't have made much difference.

I feel sad that you had a nice time and came home happy only to find disaster had struck - so sad that you didn't have more time to wallow in happiness.

Poor Harry with the shingles, though I guess it's a bonus that he didn't know he had it as it's supposed to be quite painful. I hope you don't catch it, keep us posted.

S x

Beryl Ament said...

That was a hard decision. Trouble is, some people, and I am afraid I am one of them, often say "I don't need any help", when somewhere, deep down, I really do. But how can the other person know? Don't suffocate him with your help and think how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. You did the right thing!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Sweet dear Maggie. You are such a lovely person, you should never feel guilty. This was something that couldn't be helped. Shingles is a common condition - my husband had it many years ago - and even my 8 yr old niece had it last year - but it isn't your fault that Harry collapsed. I'm sure he will feel much better soon. And look on the bright side, my dear friend, you get to examine him more often *wink wink*

Lots of love, CJ x

Akelamalu said...

Oh dear, don't blame yourself Maggie, Harry said he didn't need you to go with him and you had no reason to think you did. I would imagine the Shingles had a lot to do with him feeling unwell, hope he's recovering OK. xx

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

Try not to feel guilty Maggie. It's not as though Harry had asked that you go with him. It was just a set of unfortunate circumstances. I felt a little guilty that I hadn't gone with husband in ambulance when he was taken ill, deciding to follow on at a later time. During his journey to hospital he actually had his heart attack so was in best place with people to take care of him. Harry was well looked after and got home OK. Best wishes to him and hope the shingles isn't too nasty. Glad you enjoyed the film. A x