Sunday, 17 January 2010

Sunshine After Snow

Photo copyright: Maggie May

Sometime ago, before the snow came and long before my chemotherapy, I took a photo of this cross made out of pansies in the front of a church not too far away. Today it is sunny and I went to my own Church and the sunshine was a sign that today is the beginning of my starting to feel stronger and over the next two weeks I will pick up and feel normal...... ready for the next onslaught. No, I must not think like that or else I would get too depressed. I live one day at a time. That is the only way. I am a fighter and I won't give in! I must remember that.

I looked into my photo folder and wondered how to illustrate this post. The cross sort of jumped out at me. Yes........ a new beginning. Keep my eye on the cross. I have to start from scratch and build myself up all over again.
It was good that there wasn't any snow to have to contend with on my way. I didn't have to worry about slipping and the sunshine was heartening.
People in church asked me just how chemotherapy affected me. Well today I felt physically very wobbly.
All I know is that I cannot speak coherently. I have what the hospital calls *chemo brain*. I think writing is easier than speaking as I just can't get out the right words when I try to speak. I am hoping that these brain cells of mine are not being killed off, but only stunned, as at my age I need every one of them.
The last five days have been really bad. However there were some improvements to last time. I wasn't sick and I didn't suffer from the hallucinations that were obviously caused by all the steroids that I had before.
I was very weak and for several days I felt that I might die from exhaustion but I guess I am a tough cookie and it will take more than this to finish off Maggie May! The very worst thing that I have to bear is two days of screaming joint pain. It is irritation of the nerves in all my limbs. That is a recognised side effect that the hospital gave me and I guess there is no way round it.

All the while that I was lying watching TV or listening to the news, when I couldn't do anything else, I kept thinking that even in my sorry state I am still better off than the people in Haiti. That terrible earthquake and the plight of the people played on my mind greatly.

I would like to thank everyone for the continued prayers that have been sent for me and for all the thoughts and gestures that come my way. It means a lot to me.
I hope my brain will clear and that I can get off this chemo subject for a while....... it seems to have taken me over. There used to be a life outside of it but that seems like a dream now.


Eddie Bluelights said...

Glad you were able to get to church and the cross is a lovely idea. Glad you appear over the worst this time round and you are absolutely right, we are all much better off than those in Haiti.
And your written work shows no signs whatsoever of 'chemo brain syndome'. Love ~ Eddie

Rose said...

So happy you are feeling a little bit better and well enough to get to church today, Maggie. I agree with your brother that your writing does not show any effects of "chemo brain," so don't worry; I'm sure this fog will clear up soon, too. The tragedy in Haiti has certainly put life in perspective for all of us; I hope that relief efforts can make faster headway there soon.

Keep your eyes on the cross for inspiration and take one day at a time. I'm praying for more sunny days ahead for you soon, Maggie.

Dimple said...

Psa 103:1 A Psalm of David. Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
2 Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
3 Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who HEALETH ALL THY DISEASES;
4 Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;
5 Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.


Strawberry Jam Anne said...

The sunshine here today is lovely and I am pleased that you have similar where you are. It must have felt very heartening to be able to go to church on such a sunny day. As you say the news from Haiti makes us count our blessings but you are right to take "one day at a time" Maggie. As I have quoted before "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". Thinking of you and sending a hug. A x

Frau said...

Maggie beautiful picture and I wish I could take your pain away for a day or two and you could run and play in the sun. ((Hugs)) and prayers coming to you.

Alix said...

I love that photo, Maggie. It reminds me of so many of the roadside memorials for people who were struck down before their time.

Before their time.

What does that mean? I just found out yesterday that my uncle George has inoperable throat cancer and has been given 6-12 months to live. He has chosen to forego further treatment. It's shocking - to decide to give up and just live out the rest of your natural days with as much quality of life as possible. It's brave even though he has little choice.

Uncle George is 90. He's dying of cancer. Most people don't make it to 90. So in essence, he's beaten the odds anyway.

We are born with a number of days written in our book of life. What we do with those days is what matters. I may not be here tomorrow, so I will live today as if it is my last. And if I'm granted a tomorrow - I will live that day as if it is my last too. Because sooner or later it will be.

It's the same for all of us, whether we are fighting an invisible foe or just wrestling with time. Life is to be cherished and fought for. You are an example of how we should all be living our lives.... positive, hopeful, prayerful, present.

I love you Maggie, and I know you are resting firmly in the palm of God's hand. Take comfort in that and be well.

Ayak said...

Sunshine certainly helps to lift the spirits Maggie. I really feel for you and hate that you're suffering. I so admire your courage and determination.

Much love
Linda xx

Frankofile said...

The flowery cross is inspired - recognition and transformation of suffering. Very best wishes.

Mimi said...

Ah Maggie, good to see you resurfacing! I've missed you in the few short days that you've been "down under".
I see no sign of chemo brain in your writing either, but you feel what you feel.
I really hope the joint pain is gone soon.
You're doing "awesome", my dear Maggie. Love and hugs to you.

maggie's garden said...

Hope the sun is still shining for you Maggie. Continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Be well my friend

wishing you more sunshine, love, and continued improvement,


Life with Kaishon said...

It hurts to know you are hurting so. I am so thankful that you are believing in signs and you are regaining strength little by little. God bless you dear sweet Maggie May!

Anonymous said...

Keep on trucking maggie ,you are a fighter and it shows xxx

Wisewebwoman said...

the fact that you can write, Maggie, is testamount to your spirit and your tenacity!!
You are truly an inspiration!!

aims said...

Oh Sweetie - Even though this is incredibly hard - think of the good it is doing - killing those tumours. Some day you will look back on it and say - I survived! See!

Thinking of you my friend. And doing the Positives x 3.

Hilary said...

Not to worry, Maggie. You'll be your old self before too long. You're fighting a good fight and you'll be victorious. Of this I have little doubt. Your attitude is superb. Hugs.

The Green Stone Woman said...

You do sound good and strong, Maggie, regardless of your chemo brain. I don't think it has impacted your intelligence. You're still all there. Isn't it great that you can walk outside again? And yes, we are all so much better off then those poor people in Haiti. It does put things in perspective.

Bernie said...

Sounding good my friend, am so proud of many would of laid in bed and not have gone to church....way to go Maggie.
Chemo brain is normal, it will be gone when chemo is over and just think almost half way through for you.....keeping you and Harry in my prayers.....:-) Hugs

Suburbia said...

I am not surprised that you are writing about your treatment, writing is therapy and the treatment is so obviously taking over your reality at the moment. You need to write it.

However there is much light at the end of the tunnel :)

Glad you could get out.

It must be frustrating when you can't get your words out, a bit like some children at school I guess? Typing uses both sides of the brain, perhaps that is why it is easier to write?

Hugs to you


lakeviewer said...

Hang in there Maggie. You are strong!
This too shall pass.

Teacher's Pet said...

Dear sweet of you to think of others (people in Haiti) as you are going through your own pain and suffering right now. Character, my friend. You have character and love. Those pansies are beautiful...and they bloom through the know that sunsshine or will make it through....just like those pansies. Much love to you, my friend.

Anonymous said...

You are a fine example of a fighter. All of us pop back here to hear of your fight and are willing you on for the next round. If you listen hard enough I am sure you will hear us all cheering you on. Keep fighting :0)

SandyCarlson said...

That cross is a lovely idea. Pansies are first up in the spring, and it's nice to see these hardy, humble flowers just being themselves.

RiverPoet said...

"I have to start from scratch and build myself up all over again."

That about sums it up, doesn't it? I can't imagine what chemo feels like. My dad went through that and radiation for his lung cancer. I know he felt like crap most of the time, plus they had him on strong painkillers.

Be kind to yourself and take it a day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time.

We all love you and want to keep you around! Peace - D

Anonymous said...

That's a lovely cross,very uplifting to see at this time of year. I do hope you will start to feel more your self very soon. The brain cells haven't come my way ....!! lol

CJ xx

Marguerite said...

The photo of the cross is lovely and I'm sure that the sunshine was quite welcome. You are an incredibly strong person and an inspiration to all of us. Your writing is perfect, as always. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping you will feel better, soon.
Love and hugs, Marguerite

Bina said...

Don't worry about the house or anything else. Take care of YOU, and keep up the fight Maggie.

The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street said...

Maggie May, it is alright to talk about it. We are listening...

That is a beautiful photo.
It clearly shows that it cannot snow all the time.

Granny Smith said...

Just know that there is a whole community of bloggers that love you and wish the best for you.


Brian Miller said...

ack. i wish i could take the burden if just for a day. the cross is lovely and will give you strength. prayers still coming.

Wendy said...

You go, girl! Keep your chin up. I admire your strength and fortitude. You will get your life back - it's not just a dream.

Love those pansies - and the sunshine is a good omen. Better days ahead.
Love and Light and cyberhugs

Alyson (New England Living) said...

You are such a strong woman! I know your faith is helping lift you. May God be with you! xx

cheshire wife said...

This is what is happening in your life at the moment. If we weren't interested, we wouldn't be reading and commenting. Just keep telling us, as it is.

Debbie Drews said...

Glad you were well enough for church, Mum. I know how much it means to you to be able to get out & be bathed by nurturing & caring friends face to face.
Yes, the cross made from pansies looks inspirational. Which church is it at?
No sign of "chemo brain" in your writing, Mum.
I know where I have got the stubborn streak from - the ability to hang on no matter what with absolute determination. Thank you for being my rock & for giving me inspiration to do my blog & for all your support. Love to you, Debs x

She Writes said...

Oh Maggie, you amaze me. Hee you are fihting for your life througha chemo hazed brain and still think of others in the world who are suffering...

I am wishing you all the best and do not now how I am behind on your posts!