Saturday, 1 December 2012

Out Of The Woods?

Photo Copyright: Maggie May


When one parent up sticks and leaves the children with the remaining one for several years and then unexpectedly tries to gain custody, it can be really distressing.
Usually by the end of that time, the children are settled with the remaining parent who has possibly a new partner and maybe new siblings and pets. Everything is stable and calm after the trauma of that person walking away in the first place.

It seems quite cruel to me, that the parent who left, can come along and flash money about and believe that the children will want to leave a stable and loving home.
Is it jealousy that makes a person do this?
It seems that the one with the most money, who can afford expensive court sessions with solicitors and barristers are at an advantage and we all know of cases where PC has come before a child's happiness.
I believe that the childrens' happiness should always be the most important thing and its hard to believe that another person cannot feel the same way.

Thankfully, as time ticks by and children get older and can make up their own minds who they want to live with, their wishes often do get taken into consideration. However these things cannot be guaranteed or decided upon in a hurry and while waiting for decisions to be made everyone is left wondering whether they are out of the woods yet.
Is it just a question of trusting the powers that be and common sense? Or is there more to it than that? I can't help thinking what a waste of money the whole thing is.

20 comments:

Retired English Teacher said...

My heart breaks over this post. I don't understand the thoughts behind a person who does such things. I went through such a custody battle many years ago. My family was split in half by the judge who thought he was doing a fair thing, for whom, I will never know. Such things have no fairness to them whatsoever. The children are always the losers. I am so sorry to read that this is happening. My prayers for a speedy resolution that favors the children are being sent your way.

Hilary said...

One would have to hope that the judge knows the full story and understands the children's needs very well. If only the absent parent had that same understanding. I hope this is not happening in your family, Maggie..

Formerly known as Frau said...

How can a mother not see her kids are happy and where they need to be....Their happiness is the most important. I hope it all goes in your families favor. Hang in there and have a wonderful weekend!

Mimi said...

Definitely the kids' happiness and welfare should come first.
Not fair to walk out on them and then come back and expect to be able to turn back the clock.
I sincerely hope everyone is out of the woods soon, and on the right path.

Jackie said...

When I read or hear about a custody battle, I am so sad, Maggie. I wish that all could be well and right with all dear children of this world.
I hope that all turns out well for the children. I do.
I send you love...
Jackie

SueAnn Lommler said...


Custody battles are the worse and a situation like this is tragic...the children always end up with the short stick.
Hugs
SueAnn

Akelamalu said...

All too often children are used as pawns by bitter couples. :(

Rose said...

The only ones who "win" in a situation like this are the lawyers. The welfare and happiness of the children should always come first, but sadly, I don't think that a judge always sees the best situation for them. I hope and pray this isn't happening in your family right now, Maggie.

Mary Gilmour said...

Ugly. She sounds pretty unstable to me. Hope it all works out for you.

Maria Perry Mohan said...

It may sound judgmental on my part, but anyone who walks out and leaves their children in a supposedly bad situation which they supposedly couldn't handle themselves totally forfeits the right to have those children back. Now visiting rights are something else. Of course every case is different. In India there are different social and family problems and I've heard of situations where an unwanted spouse was driven away by mental torture and had to get away from a bad situation before they could get their bearings and come back for their children. As far as possible, I think custody should always be shared with the kids remaining with one parent while the other parent has visiting rights and some input into the decisions concerning their children. As a believer, I think that prayer is very important when cases like this come up, especially prayers for wisdom for the judge who has to make the final decision.

An interesting post. It shows something that I've always believed - that divorce and separation is not the passport to freedom and an uncomplicated life.

Expat mum said...

Unfortunately many adults use the children to get back at each other. Hopefully the courts will see this.

Irene said...

I hope that woman is just temporarily confused and not serious about this decision. I hope the children are listened to and are taken seriously. I hope the good guys win.

Beryl Ament said...

Obviously a cry from the heart. We have become familiar with a somewhat similar situation. Family Court exits to mediate and rule, but it is a long and certainly expensive procedure.

Suldog said...

It's very sad when that sort of thing happens. I remember with great fondness how both of my parents, when they divorced at my age of 15, let me know that I would be able to stay in the home where I was, which was also where My Dad was remaining, which was the easiest route for me. I greatly appreciated that. Neither of them would make me have to choose. And while their divorce was not particularly amicable, neither one ever badmouthed the other one to me. They handled it as well as it could be handled when it came to my needs in the matter.

I find it amazing whenever a parent is selfish enough to disrupt a child's decent life in order to fulfill either their needs or to make the other parent pay somehow.

Suburbia said...

Oh Maggie I have been there and it's a gruelling process which only lines the pockets of solicitors. As you say the older they get the more they can choose but mine - I am realising-would rather be with me than their father but their loyalty makes them keep visiting him, I still find it painful.

I hope common sense rules for those you mention. In the mean time, it feels like everything is in the judges hands...I hope he/she has the sense to see the real solution.

Hugs x

Wendy said...

So sad this still goes on in this day and age. I hope the judge looks to the childrens' welfare and happiness before the "rights" of the parent who abandoned them in the first place.

FeltByRae said...

I was lucky that my parents didn't play games with my sister and I and also lucky my husband never played games with our son (nor did I) - I hate to hear of people who use their children as pawns, it shows selfishness to me as the children's feelings need to be put first as tug-of-loves can cause huge ongoing problems even in later life

Hope all is well with you and yours and everything works out ok xxx

Secret Agent Woman said...

My ex and I were very careful to make the kids the priority when we divorced. They were half-time with each of us, and the way that got divided has shifted over the years as their needs changed. I don't think they've ever felt placed in the middle. When you have children, it is only fair to make their needs come first.

Jeni said...

Back when my son was 12, his father started telling him he could choose who he wanted to live with -me or him. The boy asked if this was true and I said it sort of is -it's something that must be approved though by a judge. For over a month, the boy was upset, confused, depressed, etc., and I told him I would allow him to choose but he would have to see a counselor/therapist first and so, for over the next six months, he as well as my younger daughter and I saw a therapist. Then one day, we walked into the therapist's office and my son announced he had made a decision. My heart was in my stomach until I heard him say "I've decided I want to stay with my Mom!" Best words I've ever heard, for sure. Why some parents dangle carrots in front of their kids or stir up all kinds of issues -legal, moral, ethical, etc., is beyond me but will say prayers that all ends well for your grandkids as they are the ones who really have to cope with things like this.

Brian Miller said...

ugh...it sucks being caught in the middle like that...and its heartbreaking the parents can become so selfish...if it is happening to your loved ones i am sorry...and i hope the one doing it wisens up...