Monday, 18 February 2008

The Ripples of Sadness

A stone thrown in water sends out ripples. 
Did you not realize, my sweet, tormented friend, all those years ago when you took your own life, that the ripples of sadness would still be affecting others?

The daughters you left behind are now around your age. The age you were when you met your sudden demise. But you are not forgotten, how could you be? You are part of the family memories. The happy times when our children played together, as well as the sad times when you became ill.
Why couldn't you have clung on to life? Recovery was surely just around the corner?
When we first realized what you had done, we felt horrified, angry, guilty, despairing and shocked. One sensation after another, but above all, we missed you and the girls needed you so badly.

Your grandchildren will never know you. Are you aware of them? Are you happy now, where you are? I need to think so and my faith urges me to believe that you live on.
Your birthday is near again. I never seem to forget it! For a long time I put the flowers near your photo, on the piano. That need is long gone and the photo is somewhere, but I do think of you sometimes when I least expect to, like today. But your children are still affected by what you did.

If you were alive today, you would be old and I cannot picture you like that. Would we still be as close as we were before, or would we have drifted apart, my sweet, tormented friend?

24 comments:

Suzy said...

A lovely, yet sad tribute.

I am sorry for your loss

We never really know what depths people are at when they choose to end their lives.

Extreme emotional pain is sometimes difficult to understand.

Love and prayers for you.

Suzy

Sweet Irene said...

I have tried to seriously commit suicide three times, all of them in the deep dark depths of depression, which is a torturous state of mind to be in and unbearable. You can not imagine the despair and futility and the total feeling of abandonment that a depressed person feels unless you have been there yourself. I understand what it is like to not want to live anymore and I also know that it can happen to me again. I hope that I am protected from myself and do not do this horrible deed and am not successful if I try, but when you are in that state of mind, you don't think about who you leave behind to suffer so. You don't comprehend that.

Maggie May said...

Suzy .... Some things are too deep to put on paper but I felt a tribute was needed for the several people in my life who did this! This was a special friend.

Sweet Irene ......... I am desperately sorry that you have also tried to commit suicide. I do understand what it is like to be in such a state & I am not belittling that in any way & really hope that you don't think that. I also hope that you always manage to protect yourself, I really do.
I wanted to do a tribute for my beautiful friend & a member of our family who also did the same thing. Although I realise only too well that it is an illness & that it could not be helped at the time, I also wanted to touch on the other point of view. How the people who loved her felt. How her daughters still feel, how my relatives daughters still feel.

Sweet Irene said...

I think it was fine for you to bring up your feelings about what happened and how you remembered the event and the impact it had on you and her children. It is a good thing for me to read that also and a reminder to not be selfish and to think of other people when caught up in despair. There is so much involved in matters of life and death, especially when chosen "voluntarily", if that is the case, really. Horrible things happen in life and we must all carry burdens that seem to be enormous. There is much comfort when things can be talked about openly.

Casdok said...

So sad, and so loveingly worded.

Maggie May said...

Sweet Irene ..... Glad you came back. I hope in some way this might have helped you. My friend was a very good mother who loved her children & she wouldn't have chosen to hurt them in any way if she could have helped it. But there are consequences for every action.
Will visit you soon!

Casdok ..... thank you for that.

Sniz said...

Wow, what a touching post. It made me think that your friend got really sick and took her own life to end her suffering. That is so sad.

Maggie May said...

Sniz ....... yes thats just about it!

I see some people are still writing in my last post, "Silence is Golden" Thats fine! I will check both. I would not be offended though if people told me this was too heavy!
I shall write something funny next time!

Pig in the Kitchen said...

oooofff, i wasn't expecting that, it brought tears to my eyes. I lost someone when i was young, the loss never really goes does it?
Pigx

elizabethm said...

Beautifully written and a tribute both to your friend and, differently, to her daughters.

merry weather said...

A beautiful meditation on your friend - it's lovely that you still remember her and questioning her decision still today, shows the depth of your feeling.

Thank you for visiting me - shall call by again :)

CrazyCath said...

Beautiful.
Powerful.
Honest.

Thank you for visiting mine. x

Just Joni said...

what a very deep and emotional tribute...I was quite unprepared for what I read. I came here to thank you for visiting my blog and of course to welcome you back and it is moments like this where we meet the unexpected that we can truly appreciate life and the living...if only reaching out could extend this appreciation, but depression is a horrible darkness to climb out of...life is so precious and I thank you for the reminder through your ripple of sadness ~

Wishing you much JOY in your day,
Joni

Maggie May said...

pig inthe kitchen .... sorry about that. Back to cheerfulness soon!

Thanks elizabethm ..........
Also thanks merryweather &
crazypath &
justjoni
You are all very kind!

Retiredandcrazy said...

So sad. Tragedy touches us all at some point, some cope, some don't. Why? Deep, deep questions.

Valleys Mam said...

maggie may that is so special
I was moved to tears,silly celt that I am.
It must be a very black place for someone to be to leave loved ones,readig Irene's comments really underlined that.You are not being too heavy ,sometimes its good to reflect.

Maggie May said...

retired& crazy ... glad to have you back & thanks for your encouragement.
valleysmam .......glad to hear that you don't think I was being too heavy ........ after all life is not all a giggle, is it?
Thanks for your encouragement.

The Rotten Correspondent said...

I stopped by to thank you for visiting my blog, but am too touched by your post to even say it.

I've lost dear friends to suicide, too. And it never goes away. Ever.

GoneBackSouth said...

Wow Maggie May I've only seen this post. It's really touching and brought tears to my eyes too. Not 'too heavy' at all - it's your blog and it's good therapy, explaining how you feel xxx

Maggie May said...

Thanks rotten correspondent & goneback south ........
Yes, it was really good therapy!
It was a long time ago, but when I stop & think of it, it is still painful & of course I see the pain it caused her children as I'm still in touch! My kids were affected too!

She's like the wind said...

I couldn't comment yesterday as I was so upset for you and your friends family. I was so sad that her children were not enough to live for, going now before I'm in tears again. x

Debra in France said...

Hi Maggie, what a moving tribute to your friend. It brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine the intense emotions she must have felt, in feeling that life was so terrible she had to leave, and to leave her children behind as well.

Your post was so thought provoking, and beautifully written.

RiverPoet said...

Oh Maggie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. It truly is those who are left behind who feel the intense pain. In many ways, suicide is the ultimate affront to the loved ones, though the person committing suicide isn't doing it for that reason. Still, that's the way it feels. I'm so sorry you had to lose your friend.

Peace - D

Teacher's Pet said...

It's Nov. 6, 2010 as I read this....
Tears fall....
A lovely tribute, Maggie...and heart wrenching as well.
I love you,
Jackie