Thursday, 2 February 2012

Uncertainty

Photo copyright: Maggie May


I guess that I have been living with uncertainty since my cancer was diagnosed in the Autumn of 2009.
It doesn't get any easier as the time goes by and I wonder if every new twinge that I experience is the beginning of a new outbreak somewhere else in my body.
I was hoping that the results of my scan would tell me that I was clear of the tumour on my spine following the radiation that I had to endure, but knowing how awkward I am, I never seem to get a black or white answer and my scan results proved inconclusive.
The Consultant just said it was impossible to tell if the tumour had gone or not but the scan revealed that I had a fracture of the coccyx (tail bone.) My scan results will be sent to a major hospital in Bristol to see if there is anything to worry about. Apparently only time will tell if the radiation has worked or not.
This waiting game seems to be the story of my life these days and I must just learn to enjoy what I have when ever I can and live for the now.



27 comments:

Mary G said...

My husband has the same problem. Like living with a large albatross. I do so admire your courage and resilience in the face of all of this.

Ayak said...

Oh Maggie. Isn't it awful that you have all this uncertainty. I expect like me you like to know exactly where you stand.
But you're right...we all have to live for the here and now. It's the only thing to do.
xxxxx

Formerly known as Frau said...

I'm sorry May....easy for me to say chin up it could have been worse but I'm not you so all I will say is I'm praying for you and Harry and ((hugs)) to you both.

Jeni said...

Actually, Maggie, I am of the opinion that what you said here today of living each day you are given as best you can, is how all of us should live our lives. Whether we are worrying about a return of cancer (and yes, you know I too live with that as well) or not, we don't know from one day to the next what life will bring us so there really is no point in worrying about it then, is there? I don't mean to say we should all throw caution to the wind but rather just enjoy the beauty of those we love around us and the day for whatever it brings us too. Carpe Diem!

Nora said...

It must be hard to live with unasnswered questions especially when they concern the outcome of something so large. I hope for the best, Maggie, as you do too. Keep believing in the best possible scenario. XOX

Akelamalu said...

I always think it's easier to cope if you know what's wrong, so it must be really difficult not getting a conclusive answer from your scan. I guess living for the now and enjoying what you have is a good way to cope. Thinking of you Maggie. x

CorvusCorax12 said...

this is the worse :(. I hate uncertainty too. Sending my love and hope you get some answers soon

Jackie said...

Waiting is one of the hardest things to do; I love the spirit you share as you face uncertainty. I pray for peace for you as you wait, my sweet friend. I love you.
Jackie

CiCi said...

Living in the present and being grateful for every moment is a good way for all of us no matter our circumstances. You usually sound like you have a good attitude, brave and finding joy whenever possible. It is almost like the glass half full thing, isn't it, Maggie. It is sort of a good thing that the CT scan did not show something really bad, so not showing enough clearly may be a glass half full.

Celia said...

Not knowing makes me nuttier than I am already. I admire how you keep on moving. I'm glad nothing obvious showed and so sorry you have to wait. I continue to pray for you both and for the day you know it is gone.

Cheryl said...

I hate the waiting game and am so sorry that you have to experience it so often. I wish they could just tell you right then and there, the waiting is so much harder.

I like your spirit to try to live in the now, and from your posts, Maggie, no one does that better than you. You seem to appreciate the small things that bring joy, as much as the big things. You live in the moment and have an eye for detail, like I said, the small beauty, others would overlook. I am trying so hard to do that, live in the now, take it day by day, trying to be more like you. With my diagnosis, it is difficult because it is so rare, they simply don't know, months, years, a normal lifespan, it is the orphan disease. For someone who wants to know NOW, it is the ultimate test of patience.

I will pray for you and I always think of you, hoping you get a positive outcome.
XXXXXX

rosaria said...

Maggie, you are in a world of uncertainty, for sure. But then, aren't we all? We may not know it, but we, anyone of us, could have all kinds of problems lurking in our bodies, and are just too busy to notice, or too lazy or too scared to go check it out.

Live your moment by moment with faith and joy, and let life progress as it may. We have no control at all, except in our attitude, the love we give, the joyful moments we lay in front of others.

I do pray that everything clears up, and you get back that spring in your step.

Retired English Teacher said...

I'm so sorry you did not get definitive answers from the scan. I take great inspiration from your desire to live the best you can with the days you have.

Hugs and prayers.

FeltByRae said...

Oh Maggie, uncertainty is so very draining, my very best wishes and thoughts to you - I do hope you hear good news soon

I do approve of the idea of living in the moment and wish it was easier than it is - I used to be full of carpe diem, but life kind of knocks it out of one over time! Maybe that ought to be my new year (if a bit late! resolution... I spend far too much time thinking of the past or the future and I know I am missing out on the 'now;

Happy Frog and I said...

My thoughts are with you Maggie. Much as I wish you could have had a conclusive answer I am glad that you are taking the positives from this. xxx

Secret Agent Woman said...

Oh boy. I am so, so sorry. I have only an inkling (when my "You're totally cured!" turned into "Well, maybe not so much.."). I am keeping you in my thoughts.

(I sent an invitation to my blog which I had to hide. If it didn't get to you, email me at undergroundblog11@gmail.com and I'll re-send.)

neil_peacock2004 said...

Hi Maggie May. I came by you blog via another Maggie's
You do seem to have been in the wars lately and I can empathise with you as I lost a dear sister at the tender age of 41 to the BIG C.
I sincerely hope that you get through this battle and I will visit more often in future

Nezzy said...

Oh bless your heart sweetie. Livin' in limbo just has to be eatin' at ya. I'm so sorry.

Here's prayin' for positive results and victory over the beast.

Hugs and prayers sweetie.

God bless and know I'm here for ya! :o)

Wendy said...

Waiting is hard, especially for test results. I feel for you.
I do admire your courage and your spirit as you live each day to the fullest. It seems the best way to live, if only we can do it.
Hugs

Mimi said...

Oh Maggie, the waiting game is a hard one. I'm sending you healing thoughts and Reiki.
Fractured coccyx must be painful, I'd have thought? Does that account for some of your pain?

It's easy for me to say that we each have just today, but I do think that your strategy of living for today is good, though that's not easy.
Take care, hang in there, you're doing great.

Rose said...

It must be so frustrating to live with the uncertainty, Maggie. But you're right to enjoy each day and live for the moment. It's something we should all learn to do more of--after all, no one can be sure what the future will bring.

Expat mum said...

I can't even imagine such stress. Fingers crossed for you. xx

Sandi McBride said...

Maggie, I will continue to pray for you, as I a sure others do...I know that these concerns are not doing your health any good, so please dear one, just turn it over to God, let Him do the dealing, you do the living...
love to you,
Sandi

debsdigest.com said...

I'm reading a book called "Mindfulness: A Practical Guide To Finding Peace in a Frantic World" and I realise that all any of us can do is to live for today. Who knows what's round the next corner. But I wish you all the very best - and will pray for good results x

Hilary said...

Uncertainty is so difficult. I'm sorry you and Harry are dealing with it. But you have a good attitude and that will take you far. I hope that all will be well. You continue you stay in my very best thoughts, dear Maggie.

cheshire wife said...

Not again Maggie. I can understand how frustrated you must feel. As others have commented none of us know what is around the corner. So we all need to learn to live for today. Maybe there will be better news when they resolve the problem with your coccyx.

CWx

Jackie said...

Maggie - It's been a few days since I've been here, but I wanted to come back and say hello and check in on you, sweet friend. Know that I lift you and Harry up in my prayers. I send you another hug...'cause I can!!
:)))
Love you,
Jackie