Good News and Bad News

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Life seems to be made up of good things and bad things, yin and yang, light and dark, good and evil........ whatever you want to call it.

I suppose everyone's life is made up like this but I feel that mine especially seems to be all about swings from good news to bad or bad to good.

Well I will list the good things first.

I have had fairly good news that I will not be needing an operation and that the neurology unit have inspected my recent CT scan and have said that some of the abnormalities on my coccyx and pelvis are probably due to radiation damage. Therefore, they will not be needing to see me and I can just go for my 3 monthly checks at my usual hospital.

Spring seems to be in the air. Snowdrops are flowering and other bulbs are pushing through the cold soil.

The weather today is good. Sunny and pleasant.

Friends and son rally round and help and support me.

My daughter came over for the weekend with the grandsons and we had a lovely time.

My son has a lovely new girl friend who seems to like the family and is very kind, in fact exceptionally kind and the granddaughters seem to be really bonding with her. She is the type of person who makes you feel that you've known her a long time.... sort of exceptionally easy to be with. I realise that I'm using the word *exceptionally* an awful lot.

Bad things.........

Harry is still waiting for his appointment with the neurosurgeons to discuss the CT scan that revealed a condition on the brain that we didn't know about.

Because of this condition, he cannot start the drug to help stem the cancer because it might make the condition worse.

This is really bad news as both his conditions are getting worse.

We have to wait a week before we will be told what, if anything to do next.

The grandsons' grandmother fell down four stairs and broke her hip. She was very brave to crawl to the phone while in considerable pain to get help. She lives on her own so it was her instinct for survival, I suppose that gave her the strength. She is now recovering from an operation and doing well. So maybe that should come under good news.

My daughter had to go back home............ the other side of the country. I wish she lived just up the road like my son.

I worry about the new relationship my son has and don't want him or the granddaughters hurt any more. That is as much as I dare write about it.

I wake up in the early hours every morning and cannot get back to sleep and I mull over the problems. That means that I am always tired during the day.

I don't seem to be able to lose weight and eat chocolate each day to console myself and I know I'd never be able to give it up for Lent.

Uncertainty

Photo copyright: Maggie May

I guess that I have been living with uncertainty since my cancer was diagnosed in the Autumn of 2009.

It doesn't get any easier as the time goes by and I wonder if every new twinge that I experience is the beginning of a new outbreak somewhere else in my body.

I was hoping that the results of my scan would tell me that I was clear of the tumour on my spine following the radiation that I had to endure, but knowing how awkward I am, I never seem to get a black or white answer and my scan results proved inconclusive.

The Consultant just said it was impossible to tell if the tumour had gone or not but the scan revealed that I had a fracture of the coccyx (tail bone.) My scan results will be sent to a major hospital in Bristol to see if there is anything to worry about. Apparently only time will tell if the radiation has worked or not.

This waiting game seems to be the story of my life these days and I must just learn to enjoy what I have when ever I can and live for the now.

Ups and Downs

Photos Copyright: Maggie May

Just going to the corner shop, I stopped and took photos as I passed my neighbours' flowering shrubs. The first is a rampant species of Clematis that looks beautiful and the second photo is of a Mock Orange Blossom that gives out a beautiful scent.

The day was brightened immediately.

I had good news yesterday when I went for my appointment at the hospital, as my CT scan proved to be clear. The pains I have been suffering from can be put down to arthritis, IBS or just plain old age. Its brilliant news, isn't it?

However, this good fortune is slightly marred by the way Harry is suffering right now.

On Monday, I asked him if he'd mind bringing a sack of compost from the garden centre so that I could do some repotting and he happily set off in the car. However, when he came home he was ashen faced, vomiting and in extreme pain from his back.

Yes, I know..... I am on a guilt trip because of it but he is an retired builder and is always going on about large sacks of things being no trouble at all. He forgets that he is not twenty anymore.

Well he has been off his feet since Monday lunch time and has had the doctor round and been on lots of pills that all seem to upset him. It is awful to see him like this and his appointment with his Oncologist has been brought forward to next week instead of May to discuss his recent bone scan.

In the mean time he cannot even be bothered to read a paper or watch TV and he isn't eating hardly anything and is still vomiting.

I can't believe the sudden change in him. So you see, my recent good news seems to be swamped by this new crisis with Harry.

Life is all about ups and downs in this household.

Since writing this post, I am pleased to say that there is an improvement in Harry and I hope it is the beginning of him getting into better health.

Two Ways of Looking at Hyacinths

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

These hyacinths caught my attention when I was walking past the Council's bedded plants in a central part of our city.

Not only do they look good, but they give out a lovely fragrance to people who walk by.

When I walk by here, I am either shopping or on my way to the various hospitals that my husband and I have to frequently visit.

Unfortunately, Harry will be starting chemotherapy some time next month and I have been quite upset at the prospects of him having ten sessions to try to halt his prostate cancer.

Similarly, I am also having to pass these plants to go to the hospital that I attend for my check ups and I will be having a CT scan next week but it will be a week or so later before I will get the results.

So the sight of the plants can actually bring cheer to me but at the same time I can feel that they remind me of hospital visits and of the worries that we will both have to face in the near future.

I was told by a cancer councellor recently, that I am allowed to worry for ten minutes each day! I am supposed to write them down in a little book and stop after ten minutes. Then I have to let the worries go and try to divert my thoughts to other things.

I am having moderate success with this and of course, I can write down my feelings separately and I do this daily too.

On the positive side..... I have joined a choir. I used to sing soprano parts in church choirs when I was much younger and I really did miss doing this when they eventually folded up. I went to a *taster* session last week and found I really felt great after a two hour sing. However, I have had to change to an alto part because I cannot get to the top notes of the soprano range that I could manage quite easily when I was in my forties. This will be a challenge as the part will be harder to learn as it isn't usually the main tune. I have a CD and lots of music to practice with over the three week break. Seems I started on their last day for this term.

What do you do to cheer yourself up?

Spring Has Sprung

Photos Copyright: Maggie May

It is recognised globally, that the British are known for talking about the weather. Maybe it is to do with the fact that our climate is so variable that there is much to talk about. Its never the same from one day to the next and when I used to work in the school playground, I took a waterproof jacket, hat, scarf and gloves, as well as sunglasses and sun hat. That just about covered anything that our climate could throw at me.

I took some of these photos last week when we had a wonderfully warm, sunny day. Then just as I was about to post the photos, it changed back to Winter again and everything seemed very wet and drab and dreary.

However, today we are experiencing warm sunshine again.

The first two pictures were taken on one of my walks and I couldn't resist taking a photo of the cherry blossom flowers and the forsythia.

So far, I haven't been challenged about taking photos of other peoples' plants but I often wonder if that will happen one day.

This is from a corner that I have in my own garden of Pulmonaria. I am very fond of these little flowers that are among the first to appear after snowdrops and crocus. They hang their little heads, making it impossible for someone like me to get down low enough to take a photo of the underneath. I might never get up again if I was to lie down for a better view.

I have several tubs of miniature daffodils quite near to the house and these do bring cheer as I can look at them through the window if the weather isn't good.

The same with primulas that seem to withstand some neglect and come up time and time again.

Some of you might be wondering about my health. All I can say is, that I am still waiting for a CT scan and am not in any real pain.

Similarly, you might be wondering what became of the extended family in Japan. News from the grandparents tells that they are all reported safe but some of them may have lost homes.

In Tokyo and all the surrounding towns, the electricity is now rationed by power cuts and there isn't the usual selection of staple foods in the shops.

There is still much concern about the Nuclear problems but the good news is, that a person has been found alive and well in the debris, after eight days of searching.

That makes the rescue service seem well worthwhile, doesn't it?

Changing Moods and Skies.

Photos Copyright: Maggie May

Sometimes it is good to get away from everybody and go off somewhere on my own.

I haven't a lot of choice about where to go, but last week I hopped onto a bus (using my free pass), and took the hour long journey to my local sea side. It is the easiest place to get to by bus as they run frequently during the day time.

A visit there, always makes me feel better, somehow and is the place where I am able to recharge my batteries ready to face the world again.

You can tell that the sea and sky have moods just like we all do. This outing started off as a pleasant day. A typical, warm Autumnal day and the sea was in, which is quite unusual, as chances are that it could be miles out of view on any given visit. Unless you study the tide times, which I don't.

The new pier, which isn't yet open, looked good against a calm, lonely sea. Not many people were here at this time of the year, as schools are back and it was a weekday.

In the space of half and hour or so, the sky looked threatening and overcast.

A bit like my mood can turn sometimes.

I had a lot on my mind.

Waiting for my recent CT scan results. Knowing that as my hair re grows, so might my cancer be re growing too because I have been warned that at some point it will probably come back. It is a question of how long away in the future. No one can tell.

Every ache or pain that I have, might be something sinister. It is not an easy place to be. However I do realise that I am living on borrowed time and I am grateful to be alive now and to be given this second chance.

The illness that my husband has and the uncertainty of when he will be starting chemo is very much on my mind too. Then there are so many other things that I want to blog about but can't for obvious reasons.

So I do have real cause to be down some days and it wouldn't be human not to feel this way.

The situation with the darkening sky seemed to get worse and I moved for cover before the first droplets of rain came down. It didn't last long though and the sun came out again eventually, just as my mood changed too.

I ate an ice-cream, looked round the shops.

There is an immense sense of freedom as I do these things and choose where I will go and what I will do.

I always feel better after an outing on my own and my mood always lifts.

After all, everything is in the hands of God. I cannot do anything about these things, so it is silly to dwell on them.

I am pleased to say, that my CT scan showed no sign of disease, so that has made me really happy and I can forget about it for another three months at least.

Chiming ..........

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

I had felt so ill over the last week.

My own GP had said that he was not going to give me any antibiotics because I had been on chemo and it would have a detrimental affect on my body. So I struggled on not knowing if it really was a virus or something more sinister. In fact I felt physically and mentally at an all time low.

Today was the day I was to go to the hospital on the hill, for the results of my recent CT scan.

I knew as soon as I got up that I was better. I put on some very colourful clothes, a bright bandana and some very large earrings and thought *To Hell with every one......... no matter what they tell me today, I know I feel fit now.*

Sam, my son, was going to meet me later on and hopefully go in with me when I saw the doctor.

I got a bus into town and ignored the hospital bus that went up the very steep hill and took me to the door. Instead, I walked up the hill and sat down on a wall half way up to recover a bit. I felt good again, doing this. Believe me, when I say it was a hill..... I am talking about steep....... very steep.

Sam got there in time to go in with me and we heard the good news, together that there had been no sign of any infected lymph or any sign of cancer on the scan.

So I was told to get on with my life and come back in three months. I was advised to work if I felt like it but to be prepared to be tired.

So after phoning relatives with the good news, I was eventually home and in jubilant mood.

I felt quite thirsty after my lunch so I thought I'd have a glass of water. I was standing over the sink when the glass slipped out of my hand and not knowing that it had already broken, I instinctively put my hand down into the sink to retrieve it.

Bad mistake.

I realised my little finger had jagged down on a sharp piece of glass. It bled a lot and I suspected it had gone in deeply.

My first aid training came into operation. I jammed wet wipes and kitchen roll onto the wound and applied pressure while holding my hand above my head.

Every now and then I went to pick up broken glass and wrapped the bits in newspaper and taped it together. Not an easy thing to do while trying to apply pressure and elevate.

Every now and then, I peeked at it and the blood was flowing freely. I guessed I would need stitches.

So I reluctantly had to call Sam and ask him if he could drop me off at the local hospital in the Minor Accident & Emergency Dept.

He could only drop me off as it was almost school pick up time.

I was beginning to feel a burden and a nuisance though Sam never gave me any cause to feel that I was.

After hours of waiting and an xray, it was revealed that I had managed to slice the end off the bone in my little finger (from inside,) and I had the finger stitched.

The worst part is, that I now have to take antibiotics, whether it has a detrimental affect on my body or not because of the serious risk of bone infection following chemo.

Do I just love hospitals, do you think? Or am I just clumsy?

I hate to think how I will have a shower tonight. I am thinking plastic bags and rubber band round wrist.

I am so annoyed to have put myself into this silly new risk after all I have been through and the contentment of the three months ahead, now being shortened again by incapacity.

Our New Toilet Seat

What depths have I sunk to....... posting pictures of our toilet on the net? I never imagined I would ever do such a thing.

The old seat was very unstable and moved about as we sat on it, though it was in good condition apart from that.

One afternoon, a couple of weeks ago, Harry arrived back from town with the new blue seat and started to replace the other one. He finished the job about five minutes before the girls were due to come back from school.

Sam called in to pick the girls up and saw the seat, adjusted it a bit and then went on to use it.

I went with him to pick the girls up from school, as it is good exercise for me, secretly thinking that I would try out the new toilet seat when I got back. How childish is that?

What happened? The girls saw the new seat and had to try it out. They spent time arguing about who would be first.

So it was well used by the time I got to it.

I think the design is meant to be a rain drop in a pool of water.

Don't you think it looks like a giant eye staring at you?

A bit off putting.

I can't believe what I did this week. On Saturday I received an appointment to go to the hospital to get the result of my recent CT scan. It was right on the time that the children would be needing to be picked up from school. I have cancelled it till the following week.

I decided that, as I was looking after the grandchildren all this week, that I didn't want to know. I can wait till next week what ever the news, good or bad........

I would never have been able to do that before. The suspense would have been too much for me. I wonder is that progress with my anti worrying techniques or is it negligence?

Maybe I am just expecting good news..........

Appointments

I have recently been for a CT scan in our large city hospital.

I had to arrive early and drink a jug full of insipid tasting liquid that looked like urine, very slowly over a period of 45 mins. I soon calculated how quickly/slowly to drink it and got down to my last cupful of liquid that had to be drunk inside the scanning room.

"Good," I thought, "I will soon be in the scanner and then out of here."

Suddenly all hell broke loose. Alarms going off everywhere. Staff came out and told us to leave the premises as they were fire alarms.

Still clutching my drink, I moved down the long corridors with all the other out patients and headed for the street. There is a fairly large forecourt outside the hospital but that was soon filled up with patients and staff.

No sign of Harry, who had been with me. Another woman had also *lost* her husband, too.Within five minutes the Fire Brigade arrived. The first fire engine parked along the side of the hospital and the crew disappeared inside the building. I was hoping they'd rescue Harry wherever he was, but they weren't letting any of the public back in.

Eventually, Harry came out, looking sheepish. He had decided to go to the toilet on the way out of the building.

Words failed me......... isn't that just what you are NOT supposed to do?

Well when Nature calls......... as it obviously had, I suppose you have to go but it wasn't as though he'd had to drink all that liquid like I did.

Two more fire engines arrived. By now I was wondering if my appointment would still be valid.

After much coming and going, the Fire Brigade left and the hospital was declared safe to go back into.

I was very near the front of the surge of people returning

and as soon as I sat down in the out patient area, my name was called. I managed to lie still under the scanner without coughing, as I was getting over a bout of laryngitis. That had been my main concern until the fire alarm incident. Would I stop coughing long enough to have the scan?

As we left the hospital, I was still telling Harry how unwise it was to go into a toilet when there was supposed to be a fire. He replied that he didn't smell any smoke so thought it was not an emergency!

Last week, I was rather surprised to be given a Councelling Appointment that I will attend very soon. It is five months since the moment I heard that I had cancer, and after completing six sessions of chemo therapy it seems strange to get the offer of councelling now. I really needed this last November when I first was diagnosed, as I was then shocked and angry and frightened and upset. I had felt that I'd lost my identity and purpose in life, suddenly being an invalid and not being able to work. However, I soon discovered that I was a fighter, more than I had visualised and I learnt to live each day as it came. This was so not easy for me and I am still learning.

I will go to the appointment this week, if only to tell them that I needed to talk when I was first diagnosed.

Then there is the question of my teeth.

I was told that while I had chemo, I could not have any dental work done because of the risk of infection. I was appalled by this because I have always looked after my teeth. (Unlike Pam Ayres) Does anyone remember her poem *I wish I'd Looked After My Teeth* ?

So this week I have also got a dental appointment and I believe I see cavities when I look at my teeth. I dare say that chemo blasts away enamel too. I am not looking forward to this appointment as I am squeamish about teeth but even more squeamish about losing them.

I must also get an appointment to see my chiropractor soon. All that sitting about while I felt ill was not good for my back and I have twinges much of the time.

You might wonder why I chose bunk beds to illustrate this post.

They are the ones the girls sleep in when they stay.

Next week Sam, my son, is going away to the south coast for some training for a course that he is doing. So I am having the children for the week. I am quite looking forward to it, as I feel very much up to doing this now. I have missed looking after them while I was on chemo. All being well, it is just a question of feeding them, taking and collecting from school, amusing them until shower/bath time, putting to bed x 5 days. Sam will be back on Friday evening so I won't be putting them to bed early that night.

I might not have as much time for blogging next week though...........

Harbingers Of Spring

Photos copyright: Maggie May

For some reason I awoke feeling really down hearted today. Not sure why.

I miss work and then there is the uncertainty of the different procedures that I will be following these next couple of weeks. Different from my normal chemo three weekly sessions. Sometimes everything catches up.

As I was feeling so much stronger physically, I put on my wig with a knitted beret over the top for extra warmth, scarf, gloves and heavy coat and decided to walk away the blues.

The weather had been so lovely last week when I was too ill to go out during my last bout of chemo but this week it went back to winter again with bitter winds that seemed to cut right through to the bone.

Today I was ready for it and felt quite comfortable as I decided where I was going to go.

I opted for quite a long walk that lasted for a couple of hours and I went right into another area.

I would love to say that the primulas in the photo above, were taken in my garden but unfortunately there is nothing there that is worth snapping at present.

I happened to pass a lovely garden shop so took the photo there.

Similarly, I took the picture of the Garrya Elliptica as I passed a garden en route and the catkins did entice me to capture them forever.

By the end of the walk, I felt in a different frame of mind altogether and came home with tingling face and feeling energised by the effort of the walk and the cold.

Later this afternoon, I went to the city Hospital for my scan on the bus. I had to arrive early and drink a pint of yellow water (that looked like urine) over the period of one hour. I was then taken to the scanner where I had to lie down and have a cannula put into a vein (my poor veins almost collapse with shock when they see a needle now.) I was later injected with dye which made me feel very hot. I had to hold my breath for long stretches of time, several times in succession. I now know to take in a very deep breath as I felt near to suffocation the first time I had it done.

That was it. Over.

There is little point in worrying now, as I will not get the results until the 17th when I have to see my surgeon.

Que sera, sera...... whatever will be, will be..... as the old song goes.

My daughter and grandsons are coming for a few days from the weekend until next Tuesday as it is half term for them. It will be good to see them again while I am feeling well. Lets hope that it doesn't snow or ice up the roads because I know that Deb doesn't like to drive in those conditions and may well cancel if the roads are bad.

Today we had flurries of snow here but it was too warm for it to pitch.

Lets hope it stays that way.

Diagnosis

Photo copyright: Maggie May

I have come back from the hospital after a three hour wait for the results of the scan.

My chemotherapy will start in two weeks time.

I will have to have two different chemicals dripped into my body over a period of four hours. This will be repeated every three weeks until six sessions have been completed. Half way through, I will have a scan to see if the tumours are shrivelling. Yes....... they found two more tiny ones behind my stomach.

I will lose my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows as well as any other hair that might be lurking about.

Strange thing is...... they still don't know where this cancer has come from and probably never will. I have probably not had it long. It is unusual for this to happen, but then I am an extraordinary person.

I cannot work in a school because my immune system will get very low. I must also not be in charge of the grandchildren as I will not feel well enough. That will be a blow to my family but cannot be helped. I am fighting for my life here so need to only think of myself.

If all goes well I will be in remission by May.

I hope you will all bear with me if I don't comment as much after the next two weeks. It will all depend on how I feel.

I will live from day to day and as I said before, I don't want this to be a cancer blog. I hope to be able to write about other things too.

Counting My Blessings

Copyright: Maggie May

This evening (Wednesday) at 6pm, I will be going to our local hospital for a CT scan. At first I thought I was going to be fed through a tiny space which I wouldn't have liked because I get claustrophobic in confined spaces. It might be because I would feel really out of control of what would be happening to me, as I wouldn't be able to escape if I wanted to.

I am pleased to say that I have discovered that it is not the MRI scan but the doughnut, a much wider piece of equipment so I will be fine with that.

I have to drink a pint of water before I go to have it and pour in a little potion that has been sent to me via the hospital. This will show up my digestive tract from start to finish. I will not get the results until the following Wednesday that brings us up to the 2nd of December.

All this waiting has not been easy for me as I am by nature, an impatient person. I like to get results...... I like to start things NOW!

I am having to learn to accept that this cannot be. I have to wait.

I am rather an unusual person because I have a secondary cancerous lump in the groin and no one seems to know where the primary cause is. It is unusual but not unheard of. Just the kind of thing that happens to us as a family though. Not straightforward ....... typical of Maggie May.

If the scan shows up something....... then I will start chemotherapy and radiation treatment straight away. If nothing shows up they will zap the groin tumour with radiation.

I can see that this is going to mess up Christmas either way.

My son is coming to stay for a week with the girls from the time school finishes till the time they fly to Japan for two weeks on Christmas Eve. My daughter will be coming to take over from him when he is away. (Poor thing, as though she hasn't had enough to cope with already.) There will be a bit of an overlap when all the family will all be together.

To try and make it more enjoyable for the children, my son Sam is buying a wii for them all that will be put upstairs in the roof. So that if I am chucking up in a bucket and losing my hair, the children will be having a good time up in the attic space and hopefully that will compensate.

Usually, at this time of the year, I am wishing the Winter away and longing for the Spring. Not anymore. Now I feel very much alive and living for the moment. Being alive seems much more precious. Everything now seems more lovely, more treasured, more beautiful. People seem more important, relationships seem much more meaningful.

I am living for the moment and am grateful for what I have. When you think there is a chance that you might die........ then everything seems to be more vibrant, enticing you to live. I took everything for granted before and hadn't realised the way I often wished my time away.

I have spent a good chunk of my life worrying about my old age. How I would cope if I was left alone. How would I manage financially. When you realise that there might not be an old age then it all seems to have been a complete waste of time. Living for the moment seems a much better option.

Today I can see and hear and move about. I can cuddle my grandchildren and I can blog. I know I am loved by so many people and that gives me courage to face the future.

I have to chose a picture now to go with this post. I'm not sure what it will be yet......... but it will probably be something beautiful.