New Years Resolutions?

I've had two weeks of none stop company. It's been lovely.

My daughter spent a week with me over Christmas and then on the 29th, we went back to her house on the east coast. It's more or less across England in a straight line. I live on the West side and she lives on the East. It's about 178 miles. 

I was brought back home yesterday and after an over night stay, daughter's left for home again. I'm sure by tomorrow I will have adjusted to my own company but now it seems very quiet.

I have survived our Wedding Anniversary, Christmas and now the New Year without Harry, so I only have the Birthdays to face this year. However, it's all much more complicated than that. Grief can hit you in the most unexpected places and times ....... but I've had a good time over the holidays and we went visiting different towns around her home area and the weather was kind to us, unlike it was  here. I've been told it has rained constantly over the holidays here in the West of England.

My New Years Resolution? To just get on with life and try to live it to the full. I have to cut down on food as well, as we've done nothing but eat over the holidays.

What about you, have you made any new Years Resolutions?

Season's Greetings

Time to get the knitted Nativity set out.

The weather does not indicate that we're anywhere near Christmas though. It's wet and mild and not the least bit seasonal.

If I don't get to put a new post in before the holidays begin, then I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year. 

Pride Comes Before A Fall

Since I last posted and told everyone what wonderful weather we were having for the time of year, it has done nothing but rain. That is so typical, isn't it!

I had a sudden fit of Christmas inspiration the other day when Millie my youngest grandchild, came for tea. Between us we managed to decorate my little silver tree and the next day I put up some tinsel and other decorations. However, within the space of yet another day, I felt the whole thing was a load of old tat and felt like taking it all down.

This is how I am lately. One minute looking forward to things, the next not.

I have always gone out and about in the city by myself quite confidently. However, yesterday my good foot must have caught on a raised paving slab and I went flying down and I knew when it all seemed to be happening in slow motion, that I was going to fall down on concrete.

Fortunately, nothing was broken but my pride. I felt a fool and was very grateful for the concern of  some Bristol students who stopped to help me back on my feet. I had felt like a stranded whale while down on the pavement.

It was a relief that I was surrounded by kind people and that I wasn't mugged while in a vulnerable position.

It has knocked my confidence a bit and the worst part was coming home and not having anyone to tell or share with.

Never mind, today is another day. A fresh start with better things......

Getting On With Things.....

I can't believe we're almost finished with November. Soon it will be advent and we'll be into Christmas.

We've had an incredible Autumn with sunshine on many of the days. Ok, so not warm enough to sit out in the sun with a cool drink and a pair of sunglasses! However, the sunshine does seem to lift the spirit somewhat. It's something to do with the way the light strikes the garden and makes everything look better, making me feel better. In fact I feel a lot better lately.

Occasionally, it's poured with rain and then I've been glad that I have the ability to amuse myself with books and jigsaws and needlework. Some times I've cleaned a corner of a room, cupboard or whatever needs doing. This gives me a tremendous sense of achievement.... clearing a clutter that has been there for ages  and shredding up those annoying papers that have been lurking in my folders and cluttering up my filing system for ever.

I expect people are wondering how I am. I think I'm managing a lot better than I thought I would. The time seems to be ticking away and I'm getting on with things.

People have been incredibly kind to me and I've managed to get out and about and meet up with friends fairly regularly.

In fact the most difficult thing I've had to do recently is to restring a rotary clothes line that snapped in many places due to old age. I expect it made a funny spectacle in the garden with me trying to battle with the new rope that tangled itself round everything...... my legs, the plants and itself. Has anyone ever tried it?

Eventually I got my towels pegged out securely and it looks as though everything is working OK but it wasn't a professional job by a long chalk (as we say in England).

Healing Time......

For the past few weeks I've been yo-yoing between good news, bad news, good news bad news.....

Its been a gruelling process of uncertainty.

However, I can now say that the biopsy did prove that *it* wasn't cancer and that it is fibrous tissue and a haematoma. 

My fractured hip will heal and the haematoma might be reabsorbed into my body in time or it might have to be removed at a later date. I'm having another scan in three months to see if it is going down.

I can live with that and feel now is the time to make a Fresh Start and to get on with my life.

I just need space to recover from all the trauma and worry and allow the healing process to begin.

Thanks for all your support during these difficult times.

Life Can Be a Bummer

Today I had my biopsy under local anaesthetic using an ultra sound scan.... the type used for scanning babies but in this case...... no baby.

It will be next Weds 28th before I get the results.

I'm trying to be positive but at the moment things are not looking too promising. I'm now in a lot of discomfort bordering on pain and all my comments from the last post, so far seem to be from  people really relieved that it isn't the return of cancer. However, in truth, it seems that cancer return will be the most likely outcome and I didn't feel I could read another comment that said, "Thank Goodness it isn't cancer".

All I know is that it isn't now likely to be a haematoma.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...... life can be a bummer.

Second Chance?

I feel it's about time that I wrote a post. I've been apathetic enough since Harry died.

You might have read about the wonderful send off that Harry had at his funeral on my brother Eddie's blog. He described everything in such detail that I really don't need to add to it except to say that it was a very happy occasion when all the grandchildren contributed in some way or other by a reading or playing an instrument. Everyone wore colourful clothes and he had all his favourite hymns, readings etc. 

There was very much an atmosphere that he'd been set free and had moved on to something much better. That is what we all believe.

However, I had my own secret torment going on because a few weeks before Harry died, I was beginning to experience some worrying symptoms and had got in touch with the Oncologist that had seen me through such a lot of treatment before. They took it quite seriously and thought I might well be relapsing into an other episode of cancer. An urgent CT scan was arranged and two days before the funeral I had the scan and couldn't help but worry what it might reveal.

The following week I was phoned up whilst out walking and told that two things had shown up on the scan. One was a stress fractured pelvis that was put down to radiation damage from four years previously. The other was an unknown *thing* that showed up in my lower quarters.

I was gutted and disappointed that I hadn't even had a chance to do anything that I wanted to do after Harry had died and now it seemed I'd be facing chemo or some horrible treatment in order to get a bit longer life.

As everyone will realise, I'd given my very all to him for well over eighteen months and not been able to have many days off or felt that I could relax because of the unpredictability of his illness.

Anyway, when I got to Oncology this week, I was told that it was most likely to be a haematoma caused by bleeding from another smaller fracture. I'm now waiting for a biopsy to confirm this and to see what can be done about the haematoma.

I was reassured that there was no sign of cancer on the scan anywhere on my body.

Although I am in some measure of discomfort and I also have to be very careful not to do anything that could break my pelvis or hip, I really do feel that I'm so lucky to be given another chance of life.