The Scream

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Yesterday when I was really hurting though I was trying not to show it in front of the girls, Millie, the youngest drew a picture on the blackboard with chalk.

I thought then, that this was the perfect picture of how I felt. She had unwittingly captured it with chalks.

It is easy to fob off children at the age of nearly five and seven.

They asked me why I wasn't at school ( because they know I work there lunchtimes.)

I told them I had to have my stitches out and that I had been a bit sore and that I felt sad.

That was readily accepted and off they went.

Of course the older grandsons are a different matter altogether. I had been dreading phoning my daughter because she has already had so much stress through her husband's illness and death last year. However she phoned me during the time they were at school. We cried a lot and got that out of our systems. However, when she phoned me again in the evening for a further chat, she told me she had got on touch with the hospice where her husband had died and where she still goes for councelling. She asked what she should say to the boys about my cancer. They love me dearly and have already been hurt by cancer and loss.

The hospice strongly advised her to tell the truth.

So she said to Dean the 11 year old that Granny had cancer and his eyes brimmed with tears. She asked him if he wanted to know the details and he shook his head. She then went on to ask if he would like to know if Granny had some good things happen in her illness and he said that he did want to know about those things.

This is the lad that cannot go to the grave of his father or even talk about him. He is shutting it away.

Rick is 13 and autistic and Deb thought that he might show the wrong emotion because he sometimes gets confused and giggles at inappropriate moments. So when he was told that Granny had cancer, he just shouted "I hate that word cancer...... I hate it!" But he didn't cry or show anything other than anger. He also said he didn't want to know details of my illness but readily agreed that he would like to know of any progress I make.

Of course all this started me off crying again, however, when I woke from a sparse and restless sleep this morning, I knew what I had to do. I must compile all my thoughts, struggles, love and everything that is in my life and write it down so that this blog will be there for the family long after I am gone. And..... I don't plan to go anywhere too soon.

So here we are in a slightly more fighting mood than yesterday. No good kicking doors down, knowing me I'd probably break a foot.

Eddie and I told the doctor all our fears about not starting treatment straightway.

The Doctor examined me in lots of places and didn't feel anything obviously was wrong. He said that he thought I was a very fit person and that it really was very essential to get to find out exactly what kind of cancer that they are dealing with as treatments vary and he would hate to start me off on the wrong one and spoil my chances later.

He thought two weeks was a quick time to get to see the gynaecologist and he has booked me in for an MRI scan. (There is a waiting list for that though.)

In the meantime I am eating chocolate and comfort food and to hell with the 5 fruits & veg that I have been religiously sticking to.

I will get back to healthy eating eventually.

Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and positive vibes that have helped me no end..... for my faithful blog followers and the ones who read my blog but don't comment........ you know who you are. Also for the friends who come round and hug me in person and do all sorts of little things for me.

I won't forget all the kindness....... I really will not. I appreciate all of you.

One of you said something that made me think. Everyone has been sending up prayers for Maggie May and are the prayers really benefiting me? (Gulp!)

Well if all the hairs on our heads are known and counted as Jesus said they were...... then he knows surely who I am. My name is Maggie and you all know where I live. So you can offer up prayers to Maggie in Bristol UK and you can be sure they will benefit me.

The Results...

Photos copyright: Maggie May

I got this post prepared so that I could tell everyone some really good news after seeing my consultant this morning. I was going to title it *Everything Coming Up Roses*

However, every thing changed in the flash of an eyelid, when the consultant told me I had secondary cancer.

He said it was coming from the uterus. How the Hell could that be? I had a hysterectomy thirty years ago?

Just tell me how?

I feel like kicking doors down. I feel really upset....... too upset to write personal email. I am sorry about that. I will no doubt get over it.

So now...... wait for it......... I am having to go back on a waiting list to see a specialist in womens' problems (that I can't even spell.)

I might be hearing from them within two weeks. Two more weeks of Bloody Hell!

I assume then there will be tests and more waiting for scans & possible surgery. I seem to have gone right back to the start again. A bit like *snakes and ladders*. And all the time this thing inside me is spreading. I just want to start treatment. Is that too much to ask?

My lovely brother is going with me to the doctor this afternoon to push for some treatment.

Forgive me for my tantrum I don't intend this blog to end up as a cancer blog.

Please pray for me. I can't.

View From The Big Wheel

Photo copyright: Maggie May

When I went on the big wheel at Weston Super Mare last summer, there was a really good view of the pier where the pavilion had burnt down the previous year.

The sides have been extended to take a bigger building that has already started to be built, but this is how it looked last August.

I could see right across the Bristol Channel to Wales.

Watery Wednesday is hosted by 2sweetnsaxy.

Footnote: For those of you who are anxious to hear news of my biopsy..... I'm still waiting.

The Waiting Game!

Photo copy right: Maggie May

I expect other people are wondering what my results were from my recent biopsy.

Well I wish I could answer as I would love to know too.

It is now seven days since I had my operation and I assume I am going back to work tomorrow.

My daughter thinks that the Pathology Lab is waiting for cultures to develop. That might explain the delay. I shall be nervous of answering the phone or looking at mail tomorrow.

In the mean time I have had the whole family round for the weekend plus a friend or two. That took my mind off things and was an enjoyable experience.

It has been hectic to say the least, however, I have done no cooking. The reason being that while I was in hospital, my son gutted my kitchen (again) in order to sand down and paint and put up shelves. As usual, he is doing a grand job. Sam is a precision worker but he is extremely slow. Carpenters are notorious for being perfectionist.

So even if I wanted to get into the kitchen I cannot.

Microwave meals have been the order of the day. I think we must be getting unhealthier by the minute.

I am taking it all in my stride because there isn't anything I can do about the situation. I might not have been allowed home though if the hospital knew what my home situation was really like.

I'd like to thank you all for positive wishes and for prayers that have upheld me during this stressful period of not knowing. I feel as though I have been wrapped in a little cocoon of safety and there is a part of me that doesn't want to come out of this. However tomorrow is the start of a fresh week and I believe that it will hold the answers about what my future holds for me.

Please continue to send the prayers and positive thoughts as they help me no end.

Potential Pets?

Hosted by Cecily and Emily

Photos copyright: Maggie May

Here I was with three African Land Snails in my care until the end of half term. I took them home from school because my two granddaughters have been hankering after pets for a long time.

I think they were thinking more in terms of warm and fluffy though, rather than hard and slimy.

Day one, the girls seemed quite interested for a while but they kept asking when the snails were going to move as they did seem to have very long periods in the plant pots napping.

Although I am rather cruel to the snails in my garden because I chuck them over into the back lane,( giving them the chance to get out of the way of vehicles that go there), these pet snails brought out the protective in me and I lived in dread of something happening to them while they were in my care.

They loved lettuce and pears and cucumber and they had to be sprayed with tepid water everyday.

Eventually I had to pick them up and clean them out before returning them to school. Not as bad as I thought, though I did put on rubber gloves to do it.

I suppose even these creatures are a tie when holidays come, which is the main reason why we can't go fluffy because those kinds of animals seem to be even more dependant pets than snails!

Back to the drawing board!

Any one know of anything that is no trouble, but more interesting than a snail and that is definitely not a rodent?

Photostory Friday is hosted by Cecily. Do look her up!

Another Weir

Photo copyright: Maggie May

This photo was taken in Topsham, Devon and is where I spotted this weir, I just had to capture it.

Last time I took a photo of a weir, several people from overseas asked me what the word means. A weir is a low dam built across a river to raise the level of water upstream or regulate its flow.

Watery Wednesday is hosted by 2sweetnsaxy.

Maggie Munster

Photo copyright: Sam May

Those naughty granddaughters dressed me up on Halloween. Something to chuckle about while I am indisposed.

I think I will hang on to the wig!

Hope to be back soon.

Footnote: I am back at home now gathering myself up together and will catch up with everyone's blog.

Had excellent care in our wonderful hospital. I cannot fault the Nation Health Service.

I will have to wait for the results of the biopsies.

What you have to do to get an extra week off though!