Friday, 13 November 2009

The Scream

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Yesterday when I was really hurting though I was trying not to show it in front of the girls, Millie, the youngest drew a picture on the blackboard with chalk.
I thought then, that this was the perfect picture of how I felt. She had unwittingly captured it with chalks.
It is easy to fob off children at the age of nearly five and seven.
They asked me why I wasn't at school ( because they know I work there lunchtimes.)
I told them I had to have my stitches out and that I had been a bit sore and that I felt sad.
That was readily accepted and off they went.

Of course the older grandsons are a different matter altogether. I had been dreading phoning my daughter because she has already had so much stress through her husband's illness and death last year. However she phoned me during the time they were at school. We cried a lot and got that out of our systems. However, when she phoned me again in the evening for a further chat, she told me she had got on touch with the hospice where her husband had died and where she still goes for councelling. She asked what she should say to the boys about my cancer. They love me dearly and have already been hurt by cancer and loss.
The hospice strongly advised her to tell the truth.
So she said to Dean the 11 year old that Granny had cancer and his eyes brimmed with tears. She asked him if he wanted to know the details and he shook his head. She then went on to ask if he would like to know if Granny had some good things happen in her illness and he said that he did want to know about those things.
This is the lad that cannot go to the grave of his father or even talk about him. He is shutting it away.
Rick is 13 and autistic and Deb thought that he might show the wrong emotion because he sometimes gets confused and giggles at inappropriate moments. So when he was told that Granny had cancer, he just shouted "I hate that word cancer...... I hate it!" But he didn't cry or show anything other than anger. He also said he didn't want to know details of my illness but readily agreed that he would like to know of any progress I make.
Of course all this started me off crying again, however, when I woke from a sparse and restless sleep this morning, I knew what I had to do. I must compile all my thoughts, struggles, love and everything that is in my life and write it down so that this blog will be there for the family long after I am gone. And..... I don't plan to go anywhere too soon.
So here we are in a slightly more fighting mood than yesterday. No good kicking doors down, knowing me I'd probably break a foot.

Eddie and I told the doctor all our fears about not starting treatment straightway.
The Doctor examined me in lots of places and didn't feel anything obviously was wrong. He said that he thought I was a very fit person and that it really was very essential to get to find out exactly what kind of cancer that they are dealing with as treatments vary and he would hate to start me off on the wrong one and spoil my chances later.
He thought two weeks was a quick time to get to see the gynaecologist and he has booked me in for an MRI scan. (There is a waiting list for that though.)

In the meantime I am eating chocolate and comfort food and to hell with the 5 fruits & veg that I have been religiously sticking to.
I will get back to healthy eating eventually.

Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and positive vibes that have helped me no end..... for my faithful blog followers and the ones who read my blog but don't comment........ you know who you are. Also for the friends who come round and hug me in person and do all sorts of little things for me.
I won't forget all the kindness....... I really will not. I appreciate all of you.
One of you said something that made me think. Everyone has been sending up prayers for Maggie May and are the prayers really benefiting me? (Gulp!)
Well if all the hairs on our heads are known and counted as Jesus said they were...... then he knows surely who I am. My name is Maggie and you all know where I live. So you can offer up prayers to Maggie in Bristol UK and you can be sure they will benefit me.


Suburbia said...

So glad you got to tell the doctor your worries and that he seemed confident all that was being done was going in the right direction.

Comfort food sounds a perfect halfway house at the moment,far nicer than 5 a day!!

So sorry for your grandsons, perhaps the councillor your daughter sees can help them a little too? They need to know that what happened to their father is not inevitable by any means.

You are in my thoughts a lot during the day. I am convinced there is a positive healing power in hoping, wishing, sending positive vibes and praying. They are all very similar in a way.

Hugs to you


Thumbelina said...

You are absolutely right Maggie. God knows exactly who we are praying for. He knows what is on our hearts and full names and addresses are not required for the Almighty One who knows everything -who knows even the hairs on your head.

It is good to see you post again. I am glad you are honest with your doctor and his answers make sense and are sensible. I am glad Debs has asked the counsellors and of course their advice makes perfect sense.
Now - what about you and Harry? Enquire at a local hospice about counselling. It is somewhere to take all those emotions and organise them. The hospices are brilliant across this land for the support and care they give - but it is not just for the dying they give it, as you surely know. It is very much for the living and the loved ones - anyone affected.
You and Harry (and Eddie and al...) are all very much affected. This service is there for YOU.
The first session is only an intro and at any time if you don't want to see them again or don't want to continue - then you don't have to and yes - you can go back at any time. Think about it.

That's my twopenn'orth.

And of course leaning on God. Open your bible to any of those psalms and they will speak for you where you can't find the words.

But the blog is a great medium for release, and I am glad you can still write posts because I do so want to know that you are okay.

Much love and hugs. xXx

Bernie said...

Maggie, your spirit sounds much better today, I had tears reading about your grandchildren reactions, this is a disease that grows in your body but everyone who loves you is also affected. I pray the treatment will stop your cancer and that you will be with your family for many more years.
You are so honest with us about your feelings, I love you for that. Be well Maggie and know you are always in my prayers.

Hilary said...

That's our Maggie. Your fighting spirit will get you through. I'm sorry your grandkids are hurting so, but they too will come through stronger in time.

Sending lots of love and continued good vibes.

Nessa said...

I am glad you feel more feisty today. We will keep praying for you all.

Flash 55 - Blue Gill

Marguerite said...

Maggie, Your courage and determination amaze me and without a doubt will see you through this ordeal. Tears filled my eyes when I read about your grandson's reactions, but it is just that they love you so. The important thing is to stay positive, as hard as that seems, and never underestimate the power of all the prayers that are being said in your behalf. Blessings and prayers, Marguerite

Teacher's Pet said...

Maggie...I was looking at Millie's drawing. Children have such wisdom. On the right at the bottom, looks to be a bag or purse...with a flower coming from it? Hope springs eternal...even in the midst of tears and sickness.
I think Millie has the right idea...and out of the mouths and minds of babes come things that some of adults forget to think of: beginnings. That flower says that to me...and I refuse REFUSE to roll over and take this lying down.
God does know every hair on your head...every bird that falls from the sky...and I absolutely positively will NOT give up on praying for you. All who love you....and there are so many, very many...all who love you will band together in prayer for your....and we will pray, pray, pray for you.
I'm glad that you are going to give this "C" a kick in the butt...know that we're all in this with you...and are behind you, we're beside you, and we will walk ahead of you to clear any tangled vines or weeds that may cause you stumble... so that you may walk strong and tall through this.
I am very thankful for your daughter's contacting someone about what to do concerning telling your grandsons. That must have been a hard thing to do...and what a saintly Mother she is. She will be s strength to you, and so will your grandsons. I can tell they love you very much. I want to hold and hug Dean. Such a strong young man. Rick is right about his feelings of cancer. We hate it too. Much love and prayers Rick and Dean.
In the midst of all this, I feel a sense of peace and a resolution that you will fight this....and I smiled when you said that you wouldn't kick the door...because you'd probably break your foot. There you go, girl!! But don't give up kicking doors....don't give up venting or expressing your anger or frustration...and never ever ever give up on the fact that this could turn out to be a miracle above all miracles...and our God is still in the miracle-working business. I hold onto that.
You have a prayer warrior over here in the southern United who is praying hard every day and night...and will NOT give up on you. That is a solemn promise from me, Maggie. There are countless others who are doing the same!!!
Chocolate is good!! (It is a main staple in my diet....I usually follow it quickly with potato chips (you call them crisps, I think!) Eat 'em up, my friend. You'll have time to diet later, if you want to....I choose not to.
Hugs to you, sweet Maggie May.

Akelamalu said...

Children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for and can cope with things admirably. At least now your grandchildren know what is wrong you don't have to lie to them, which is good.

I will keep you in my prayers and continue to send positive thoughts and as much Reiki as I can muster for as long as it takes for you to get well. x

VioletSky said...

Feisty is good, very good.
Children are inherently wise enough to only want as much information as they can handle.
I'm just now catching up with your news - and please know that if I were closer, there would be more hugs.
Am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Maggie.

RNSANE said...

Maggie May,you make my day,
Your love for all shines through,
With chocolate and your loyal fans,
There isn't much that you can't do.

If need be, let the teardrops fall,
And pray when all that's done,
And, also, in between, those two,
Make time to have some fun!

We all hate that cancer word,
But it pops up now and then,
Even so, with God's great love,
It's a battle you can win!

We are rooting for you!!!!

Ayak said...

It's strange how we don't meet our blogger friends but we feel we know them. I just had a feeling that you were someone with a fighting spirit will surely see you through this difficult time.

This was a very moving post..but very positive.

Chin up my dear will win this one. xxx

cheshire wife said...

Keep posting and keep positive. I am sure the doctor is right to want to find out exactly what he is treating before staring treatment.

Hoping that you will sleep better tonight.


Expat mum said...

Your family has already been through so much but it's obvious you will all rally around each other and get through this. I'm thinking of you a lot at this time and know you'll be fine.

SMS said...

You're so right Maggie; some of us often visit without comment, content to share your photos and thoughts. Now, in a small way, we share in your tough times too.
You're never alone. God bless
S x

lakeviewer said...

Dear God, Maggie in Bristol and her entire family needs strength and perseverance right now. Those grandchildren can't handle much more. Maggie has to get stronger for herself and for the little ones too. So, go on about your business. But, don't forget her. We'll remind you of this every day. You can be sure!

Thanking you in advance.
Friend of Maggie.

SandyCarlson said...

Ah, Maggie. I am so touched by this post. By your heart and your willingness to tell the story. Thanks for this beautiful gift.

I too hate cancer.

My heart goes out to all of you.

Clippy Mat said...

Dear Maggie:
I came via expat mum's blog. I am really sorry to hear about your troubles and I hope you are encouraged by the many people who are thinking of you and praying for you.
Chin up. Enjoy that chocolate.
I offer you my support and best wishes.

Wendy said...

Dearest Maggie, what an honest and heartfelt post. We are behind you 100%!! I think you and your daughter were very wise in telling the boys the truth. They reacted just as they should. And now the don't have to "guess" what the adults are up to. They know and will be a great comfort and strength to you and your daughter in the days to come.

Yes, Maggie - eat chocolate. It's the best cure for everything!
Sending you cyberhugs and lots and lots of healing light.

Mary G said...

You have so much courage. I have written my blog, right from the beginning, as a gift to a granddaughter, in case she wants to know me, many years from now.
This blog you write has so much of your personality, your humour and percepiviness and grace. You are such a grand person, in so many senses of the word, and how it shines through.
I'll be keeping you in mindfullness.

Beryl Ament said...

Maggie, I was saddened by your diagnosis and the wait for treatment, but perhaps there is value in the doctor wanting to make sure he knew what he was treating before starting. Right now knowledge and understanding are among your best weapons, so I hope you, or your son, takes along a notebook, even a small tape recorder, to your appointments so you feel in control of the situation and the treatment.

aims said...

Still positive positive positive - although a tad nervous over here.

Had my hysterectomy almost 30 years ago and now I'm wondering - could it be the same as yours?

We'll see. Let's focus on being positive though - okay?

Jeni said...

Bring on the sentimental side and let it mingle in with the spunk you're beginning to exhibit and you've got a wonderful mix then to begin this fight. Anytime you feel it slowing down a tad and need a bit of picker-upper -just throw out an e-mail and know, rest assured, someone will come calling back in short order to help you over any stumbling block that makes the mistake of getting in your way!

Yes indeed, Maggie Mae from Bristol!

Lindsay said...

If you live anywhere near Cheltenham there is an MRI Scanner - The Cobalt Unit - which is charity run and they can do scans quickly. I paid £350 for two knees - because of very chunky knee replacements the scanner could not work properly even though they took over an hour trying to set up the scanner. | received my money back at once. They are very good people.

introspection said...

To The Magnificient & Brave Maggie!
Saying it again:

If you can make a trip to India/Bombay/Pune (where I live), please take the first available flight and I can assure you an immediate MRI scan (and report)in one of the best hospitals, within 24 hours of your landing. You can then return home and begin your treatment. It's only 7 hours flying time from UK to Mumbai. Be my guest in Pune. Pls consider and email me (if you would like to contact the hospital) at :

Frau said...

Maggie my thoughts and prayers are with you. May you feel the love and strength around you. ((Hugs))

Rose said...

Dear Maggie, I don't know how I missed yesterday's post with the results! I am so sorry to hear of the results of your test. You have every right to feel angry and sad--kicking doors down and eating chocolate sounds like a good way to laugh in the face of that dreaded C-word.

I hope that once you learn the specific details that you can find some hope and some positives in this situation. So many medical advances have been made in recent years. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers--God knows your name, Maggie May.

Sandi McBride said...

Maggie Darlin', we continue to pray for you (I have you in our Prayer Chain) and will have you on Lee's Prayer list today. I know for a fact that if not for the prayers that I received back in April, I would not be here. So, I feel God touching you and healing you...just remember we all love you! Hugs to your sweet family, but mostly to you!

Babaloo said...

Hi Maggie, so sorry to hear all this! Sending lots of love and hugs over your way! And chocolate is definitely the way to go. xx

Wisewebwoman said...

All I can offer are healing thoughts and warmest wishes, I;m here by way of GSW.
I am very moved by your honesty.

Jane said...

Hi Maggie, I came via Expat Mum but you used to know me as ExpatKat. So sorry to hear of your illness. You and your family will be in my prayers. I pray that the treatment will give you many more years with your family and that your strong spirit will shine out to all those who meet you along this journey.
Much love to you, Maggie. xx

elizabethm said...

Maggie I am one who often reads but does not always comment. Just wanted to send you my very best wishes and for all your family. I have some inkling of what you are going through. you sound very positive and determined xx

laurie said...

i am so very sorry to hear about the secondary cancer, and i am amazed how wonderful you are about worrying about the children instead of yourself.

you know, i'm sure, that there is LOTS that can be done. this is a setback, but not a death sentence. i wish you all the best and will be thinking of you.

eat more chocoalte.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Dearest Maggie,

Children are so intuitive...

You are continually in my thoughts and prayers...there is little to say at a time like this...I sit quiet, and listen...and so, I will say nothing more than this...BREAK OUT MORE AND MORE CHOCOLATE!!!! Love you so very much!!! Janine XO

Kaci said...

New to your blog...hope you are feeling better soon!!!

St Jude said...

I'm sorry I have been away this week and I have just found out. I'm so sorry Maggie, but stay strong... easy to say I know. You have so many people praying and thinking of you. You'll be in my thoughts.

gaelikaa said...

Maggie in Bristol - following your blog and praying for you daily - it's God's will for you to be well, you know. Claim your healing and be confident. Remember I told you about my mother, at one stage had only six months, and still alive ten, no twelve years later!

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Oh Maggie I just read this post and your results post. You made me cry as I can only imagine your anger and fear. You are so deeply caring and with such a troubled load I wonder how you dare to bear it but of anyone I 'know' you are the bravest and the strongest of women. Glad you have the support of Eddie on your side, he must be a tremendous support but he too is going through the mill with his wife's condition.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug so have a cyber one instead. You are all in my prayers and thank God your grandson's are been counselled through this by you all. Love and hope and faith are tremendous enablers - you have that winging its way to you from us all. X

Anonymous said...


I am catching up here. I could scream aloud for you and what is happening in your family.I wish you healing, strength, hope, and much love.

I, too, believe God has numbered the hairs on your head, formed you in your mother's womb and saw all your days before one of them came to be. I believe He is near to the brokenhearted and that He hears the prayers our aching hearts have lost the strength to utter. I am praying for you, Maggie, in Bristol UK, though I only say, "Maggie," knowing HE KNOWS.

imbeingheldhostage said...

You certainly have our prayers over here in Norfolk Maggie! I believe in miracles and the power of the human spirit.


RiverPoet said...

Maggie, I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Not on the blogs much these days, but I do check in from time to time. I wish you the best.

Peace - D