Photo Copyright: Maggie May
Yesterday when I was really hurting though I was trying not to show it in front of the girls, Millie, the youngest drew a picture on the blackboard with chalk.
I thought then, that this was the perfect picture of how I felt. She had unwittingly captured it with chalks.
It is easy to fob off children at the age of nearly five and seven.
They asked me why I wasn't at school ( because they know I work there lunchtimes.)
I told them I had to have my stitches out and that I had been a bit sore and that I felt sad.
That was readily accepted and off they went.
Of course the older grandsons are a different matter altogether. I had been dreading phoning my daughter because she has already had so much stress through her husband's illness and death last year. However she phoned me during the time they were at school. We cried a lot and got that out of our systems. However, when she phoned me again in the evening for a further chat, she told me she had got on touch with the hospice where her husband had died and where she still goes for councelling. She asked what she should say to the boys about my cancer. They love me dearly and have already been hurt by cancer and loss.
The hospice strongly advised her to tell the truth.
So she said to Dean the 11 year old that Granny had cancer and his eyes brimmed with tears. She asked him if he wanted to know the details and he shook his head. She then went on to ask if he would like to know if Granny had some good things happen in her illness and he said that he did want to know about those things.
This is the lad that cannot go to the grave of his father or even talk about him. He is shutting it away.
Rick is 13 and autistic and Deb thought that he might show the wrong emotion because he sometimes gets confused and giggles at inappropriate moments. So when he was told that Granny had cancer, he just shouted "I hate that word cancer...... I hate it!" But he didn't cry or show anything other than anger. He also said he didn't want to know details of my illness but readily agreed that he would like to know of any progress I make.
Of course all this started me off crying again, however, when I woke from a sparse and restless sleep this morning, I knew what I had to do. I must compile all my thoughts, struggles, love and everything that is in my life and write it down so that this blog will be there for the family long after I am gone. And..... I don't plan to go anywhere too soon.
So here we are in a slightly more fighting mood than yesterday. No good kicking doors down, knowing me I'd probably break a foot.
Eddie and I told the doctor all our fears about not starting treatment straightway.
The Doctor examined me in lots of places and didn't feel anything obviously was wrong. He said that he thought I was a very fit person and that it really was very essential to get to find out exactly what kind of cancer that they are dealing with as treatments vary and he would hate to start me off on the wrong one and spoil my chances later.
He thought two weeks was a quick time to get to see the gynaecologist and he has booked me in for an MRI scan. (There is a waiting list for that though.)
In the meantime I am eating chocolate and comfort food and to hell with the 5 fruits & veg that I have been religiously sticking to.
I will get back to healthy eating eventually.
Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and positive vibes that have helped me no end..... for my faithful blog followers and the ones who read my blog but don't comment........ you know who you are. Also for the friends who come round and hug me in person and do all sorts of little things for me.
I won't forget all the kindness....... I really will not. I appreciate all of you.
One of you said something that made me think. Everyone has been sending up prayers for Maggie May and are the prayers really benefiting me? (Gulp!)
Well if all the hairs on our heads are known and counted as Jesus said they were...... then he knows surely who I am. My name is Maggie and you all know where I live. So you can offer up prayers to Maggie in Bristol UK and you can be sure they will benefit me.