Saturday, 19 April 2008

It's A Tough Life Sometimes .......





A few days ago I wrote about my daughter coming to visit unexpectedly to escape for a while from a husband whose behaviour seemed to be changing for the worse by the minute. Even when she had travelled for six hours (there was a big hold up on the motorway) to get here, he phoned and asked her to get the doctor for a home visit because he had a headache and was being sick. It looked at the time like he was making her pay for leaving him for a few days. There is a full account in my post. Click here.

Well, at the time that she was here, I felt a bit torn between two feelings. First that Deb is my daughter and is being put down all the time, by husband's critical and increasingly aggressive behaviour and that he is acting in a more and more bizarre way. So I was naturally annoyed with him for making her unhappy. Secondly, there was a niggling feeling that he might be seriously ill.

Now she has rung in a terrible state telling me he has been rushed to hospital with a suspected brain tumour. He has had a temporary scan that shows a "mass" and he will need to be transfered to a hospital that will be 20 miles from where they live for further scans, a biopsy and to see whether it is operable or not. This is further complicated by the fact the car that she had repaired while staying with us, has now broken down again. The alternator that the garage here put in has let her down and she has to pay for a new one. The garage here, says that they would need to see it & test it before they could do a refund. That is the end, really it is.

This post is a rant at life's unfairness, as Harry is already battling with cancer & the treatment has left him grumpy! I feel it is a release to just get this off my chest! 
Deb lives 200 miles away and has 2 kids and does child minding that she finds difficult while she is so distraught, but has to continue with as they have a mortgage. 
I have just committed myself to look after the 2 girls while Sam works two days a week and his wife already has a high powered job in another town 30 miles away!
I must keep my two jobs going as at 65, I would not get other employment if I let these go. The thing is, we all need the money from these jobs to pay our way and now I feel I just want to be with Deb & to put my arms around her and not just have the two of us crying down the phone all the time.

I know we need to all keep calm and to go about our daily business while all this gets sorted...... but it is really hard and I'm really sorry I can't be my cheerful self just now.


38 comments:

CrazyCath said...

Oh Maggie - right with you. What a dreadful set of circumstances! You are a terrific support to your daughter and it looks like Sam is to you and the whole family is pulling together. You just take care and try not to stress too much. Easier said than done I know.
I hope that her husband starts to get some treatment and on the road to some recovery. That certainly explains any personality change. My prayers are with you all.

Swearing Mother said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Swearing Mother said...

So sorry you're having such a tough time at the moment Maggie. Will be thinking about you and yours.

Take care.

(Sorry Maggie, deleted first comment as it was peppered with typos).

Maggie May said...

Crazy Cath......... many thanks for good wishes and prayer. Yes..... we all have to work together.

Swearing Mum ..... Many thanks for your good wishes too!

Valleys Mam said...

Maggie ......what do I say.How do you sort out a rock and a hard place.Just do what you can ,you can't do more hun.
May be a flying visit to hug debs would make you feel better.
Thinking about you

Expatmum said...

Oh, Maggie. Just when you had posted such a lovely story about the museum visit. I hope things calm down a little. You're all in shock now. If it's any consolation, a really close friend of mine went through the headaches and the diagnosis 7 years ago and is still hanging in here.

Mignon said...

God Bless you and your family. Prayers from me to you.

Maggie May said...

valleys mam......... We are all back at school on Monday, so a flying visit will not be appropriate just yet. Thanks for your support.

expatmum ...... thamks, yes people are telling me of others who have survived the same. let's hope .....

Mignon ...... that is sweet of you.

Larest news is that he is responding to pain relief & got up for a shower this morning & talked on the phone to Deb for a short while. A friend is driving her & the boys to the hosptal for a visit tonight. He is still waiting for the second scan & has not been moved to the larger hospital yet.

aims said...

Oh Maggie! I went back to the original post you had done to make sure I hadn't said anything horrible about Deb's husband.

I wondered at the time as it struck me as odd and reminded me of my aunt who's husband had a brain tumour and treated her much the same way. I find it strange that it often has that affect on people.

I have a brain tumour but it is very slow growing..and I'm hoping I don't treat The Man in such a manner without knowing it. But huge illnesses can make one act strange anyway.

You also did a post on your wishes and one was to make you daughter's life easier. You do that everyday even tho it isn't monetary. The money would certainly help, but your love and support are worth so much more you know.

I got angry at the first garage - but it is just business for them in the end. But how unfortunate! I hope the husband understands somehow that circumstances are a major factor in everything right now.

Maggie - wishing you and all of yours inner peace.

Working mum said...

What a time you and your family are having. Life has its ups and downs and at the moment you have a lot of the downs. I feel for you.
WM x

Dusty Spider said...

Seems your instinct was right. No comfort there I know. Really feel for you as know how hard it is to hear your daughter in pain and not be able to give her a hug. Hugs for you. flick xx

Mean Mom said...

Sorry about your troubles, Maggie. Things do just 'pile up' sometimes and you begin to wonder what could possibly go wrong, next. It's frustrating that we often have to move away from the supporting framework of family and friends, in these modern times.

I have a friend who has had 3 brain tumours, so the outlook for daughter's husband may not be total gloom and doom. Friend's behaviour has been very irratic at times, too, but through no fault of her own, of course. Will hope for the best for all of you.

Momma said...

Maggie, dear, I'm so sorry this is all going on. When it rains, it pours, as they say. I think your son-in-law's behavior can easily be explained by the tumor. I'll pray that it will be operable and that things can get back to normal in your daughter's family.

Having to work while this is all going on must just be horrible for you and your daughter, but remember that sometimes work can be a tremendous blessing during times of trouble. I often tell my boss that work is my salvation. If I didn't work, I would fret all day long.

I wish you peace - D

imac said...

Love your photos.

Sorry about my imac from imac lol.
But am still drawn to you hehe.

Hi, thanks for visiting my blog and your kind comments.
Have been in Ireland for a weeks holiday, pop over next week and see some views from there.

Maggie May said...

Aims........ sorry to hear you have one too. But what a relief that it's slow growing. They seem to be much more common than I thought as every one knows some one with one it seems. Thanks for your support.

Thank you also Working Mum for your kind support.

Flick.... the same for you..... it means a lot.

Mean Mom.... Another friend with brain tumours. It does help to know people survive these wretched things.

Momma ........ Yes, work will be a great blessing no doubt, as you can lose yourself in it and you have to make an effort with children too.

iMac ......... Glad you had a lovely time in Ireland & look forward to your photos.

Suburbia said...

Hi Maggie
So sorry to hear your news. What a shock. I have heard of this sort of change in people with tumors before, and in a way at least his past behaviour can be explained and was not meant to harm, which is a relief I guess.
Perhaps you can have compasionate leave from workx2 to visit your daughter. If not,work might take your mind off things for a while. All those bright little children don't give you much time to think during the day do they! It works for me sometimes.
I didn't know about Harry either. Gosh, I feel so helpless! All I can do is send best wishes to you Maggie and your family.x

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

Sendin lots of head hugs. (I'm only a little Bear so I don't do full hugs. Head hugs is what I do best.)

My aunty had a brain tumour and was ok in the end so I hope it is all ok with your daughter's husband. I hope he treats her more nicely soon, whatever happens.

:@~

Carolyn said...

Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I'm so sorry. What a difficult time for you and your family. And here I am complaining about my cushy life. Even worse, I berated your daughter's husband for being such a turd. I'm very sorry he's ill.

If it would make you feel any better, feel free to stop by my blog and give me a cyber-slap.

Sending you best wishes, hugs, giggles and all other nice things that might make you feel just a teensy bit supported.

Maggie May said...

Surburbia ....... Thanks for your support. I don't think I have made a public announcement about Harry before, but just a comment or two to others who have a problem with cancer. It helps to empathize sometimes. Yes... all the bad behaviour makes sense now, which is a consolation.

B.T. Bear... Little head hugs will do nicely, thank you! Thanks for telling me about your auntie!

Carolyn ..... don't feel bad. We have all called him everything under the sun & more beside!

girl with the mask said...

Maggie May- how awful for you. I suppose some solace might be found in the mundade routine of work, pain as it is... and might- even just for a minute- take your mind of things so that you are better rested to face them when reality hits again.

I am thinking good thoughts for you and your family.

girlwiththemask x

elizabethm said...

So very sorry to hear of all this difficulty for your family maggie. I am sure you are a great support to your daughter. I know it is a cliche but mainly because it is true, but do take it a day at a time and take care of yourself too so that you have the energy to care for others.

Maggie May said...

Girl with a mask ........... yes. work will help and with children you have to concentrate!

elizabeth m........ yes, I am a great believer in 'one day at a time'. Sometimes even broken down into smaller chunks!
Many thanks everyone.

Beryl Ament said...

Maggie, my thoughts are with you from across the ocean. As mothers, I think we can cope with most everything—except watching the hardships and sorrows that beset our children. We would be happy to bear the burden, but we can't and our children often surprise us.

Be strong.

Maggie May said...

Beryl ........ many thanks for those kind words & thoughts! Much appreciated.

the mother of this lot said...

So sorry to hear this Maggie. I'll pray everything works out.

Maggie May said...

Jackie thanks......... hard to pray right now.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Maggie, could you write to me on ann@infotel.co.uk please asap. Love Ann xx

family affairs said...

So sorry to hear about your daughter's news - fingers crossed that they can solve the problem x

Bina said...

Oh goodness. Good news in that at least they know why is acting this way, but really bad news! I really hope they can fix it and he will be back to normal in no time. And of course you want to be with her! She is your daughter. It must be so very difficult for you.

I don't know who much of my blog you have read, but my son has a cyst or something on the back side of his brain. I often wonder if this is the reason for all his behavior problems. He is in jail in TX, and they told him they don't have the "resources" to check in to any further.

Just great.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Dear Maggie, so sorry that you are having such a worrying time - I do know that feeling when you want to cut yourself in two - and it's hard not being able to be with your daughter at this time. It seems so unfair that money or job worries can rule our lives at such times!! I'm thinking of you all and hoping that things turn out better soon. M xx

Maggie May said...

Family affairs, Bina, MoPITWrong....... Many thanks for stopping by to wish me well & same for retired & crazy.

Your remarks & good wishes have helped me no end! Thank you all of you.

Frances said...

Wishing you the fortitude to cope. Hard to cope with multiple sadness and worry about your daughter as well. Sorry.

Liz said...

Oh Maggie, what terrible news and a dreadful situation to be in. I pray that the tumour is operable and benign and that he will soon return to his nrmal self. And I hope that things can be arranged so that you are able to be with your daughter for at least a little time.

Prayer and love being sent your way.

Maggie May said...

frances & Liz ......... many thanks for your good wishes & kind thoughts. Much appreciated.

quilldancer said...

You and your family are in my heart and prayers.

Maggie May said...

Thanks Quilly! Much appreciated!

Granny Smith said...

What a nasty pileup of misfortune! My heart is with you, Maggy May. We have always taught our children not to expect life to be fair, but I always regret it when that advice proves to be right.

Maggie May said...

Granny smith........ I usually find bad things happen in multiples....... but so do the good things. Swings & roundabouts. Thanks for your kind comments.