Sunday, 22 June 2008

Fears In Abundance!

"The things That I Am Afraid Of!" is the subject that David Mcmahon from   authorblog: Weekend Wandering has set us this week. Well where do I start? There are lots of things and I am going to sound neurotic if I list them all. Well you seem to like it when I'm honest and bare my soul. I think I have touched on some of it before. So here goes...........

Number one on my list has to be the fear of depression, as I have had two very bad bouts of it in the past and I always realize that there is the possibility of "it" taking me over again, like Churchill's Black Dog! 
I mildly think about Altzheimer's disease and the possibility that I might be affected one day and the ensuing chaos it would cause to my family if I did. Following this, I think it would be awful to lose control of my body and have to be completely dependent on other people.

I am afraid of abandonment. This is because when I was a child, my mother used to say, "I will walk out and never come back." When I was getting on her nerves.
So my last post "Life feels Like A Storm" made me feel a bit like that and even though I am 66 years old, I felt very like I did as a small child again. This runs very deeply and I am still traumatized by this kind of thing. As it turned out, it was not such a terrible thing, as Sam called round yesterday and checked the computer and seemed just like his normal self. He said that Kaiko is fine and is so pleased to be in her own place. Well that is natural. I could not have lived 11 months with my inlaws, no way! Sam is bringing Amber over this afternoon as she has a birthday party to attend nearby. I am also finding I am less stressed and much more peaceful having the house to ourselves and so is Harry! Well, I am getting off track now so will move on to the next fear.

I think you all know my very real fear of my computer or router failing and not being able to get it fixed. No more blogging! That would be a nightmare. I really hate it when I am not in control of situations!

I hate public speaking and will never volunteer in church to read the lessons. I am a background person, snug in my little corner!

Well that just about covers all my major worries and all the little things like spiders and heights and flying, I can usually muster up the courage to do! Scoop up a spider, avoid heights, fly if I have to!

You might be puzzled by the photo that I used for this post? Well there is always hope or help round the corner. The triangular piece of sky is peeping through the clutter of trees and house and represents light, hope, help, God even. So that just about covers the subject!


Jeni said...

Dang, Maggie! You just about stole everything I was figuring on listing that I am afraid of! How can that be? Probably because we're very close in age, have a lot of other similarities within our life too. Thanks for having the courage to list your fears as now I think I can do the same.

Lehners in France said...

Maggie, your greatest fear seems to be losing control and relying on others. You must be a very "proud" lady, your family and friends must love you dearly. Debs x

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your honesty, it is not easy, I know. You and I have so many similar fears and I guess it does boil down to control. A fellow friend (and blogger) just wrote about how we really don't have the control we think we have, so why not give it up, we have nothing to loose. I would like to get there, but I would loose my sense of safety, and that it huge for me.

Oh, as for public speaking, I am so with you on that. I HATE IT!! Took a class for it in college and almost died getting through it. I turn so red and word just don't make it to my mouth.

Have a good week!

Mignon said...

Maggie, Im in Awe of your post. It's what I fear also. I don't want my kids to have a wasted spoiled life because of my lost mind and no control. They deserve to have a happy good life. Not one of wiping the butt of someone who can't even remember who they are. It's just not fair to them.

Momma said...

I share your fear of depression, Maggie. I've had a couple of bad bouts myself, and I don't want to ever try to come off my meds again. Sometimes being a creative person means having to medicate so you don't go too far down that dark road.

Peace - D

Suburbia said...

Lots of my own fears there Maggie.
SO glad Sam has been home today and things seem normal.
That is not just a selfless glad! That is a glad that you will not be without a repair man should anything fail! I would hate to loose you!!

david mcmahon said...

Beautifully framed image, and what an eloquent post. Yes, Churchill's description was so simple yet so evocative.

Louis la Vache said...

"Louis" liked your rhyme crime at 'Author Blog".

For "Odd Shots Monday", "Louis la Vache" posted a photo taken by Mme. la Vache of a tree with most unusual foliage.

Anonymous said...


I'm so glad you're feeling better about being less crowded in the house - things will work out for the best.
Depression is a very scary thing, and I'm sure all of us can relate in some way. I suppose the only good thing about it, is that you learn to get yourself out of it by any means, and this should be something to be proud of.

Take care,

CrazyCath said...

Great post Maggie. My mum used to say something similar to yours - consequently I don't handle rejection very well. I have got better as I've got older, but I can empathise.

I'm off now to back read and catch up on your blog. You always get these posts up so quickly! Well done. You are right - I like (I think we all like) to get to know about you / eachother and how you are.

Mine's in draft and will post up tomorrow (Tues).

Nora said...

I had fear of abandonment until I chose to make it on my own and now I am not afraid anymore. I can be abandoned no longer by anybody, because I have myself and a Higher Being and my animals. I had feared it my whole life and it turned out that is was not necessary.

Dusty Spider said...

I'm with you on those Maggie. Lovely post. Flick x

Hilary said...

What an open and eloquent post. You're courageous to write it.

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

A very honest and moving post, Maggie. I'm pleased you are feeling better in your own space too. M xx

Ornery's Wife said...

Thanks for sharing these, and visiting Miller Manor. I wish I could pour courage and assurance into your heart that you will never have to face those things you fear, but it is good to know we don't ever face them alone, and that the things we fear are often groundless when we discover ourselves amidst them.

I enjoyed your post.

Gary said...

If I listed ALL of my fears, they'd look pretty much like yours.

I posted about about the one fear that has me rigid in an instant, rather than the 'constants' in my life.

In my answer I lacked the courage you have shown and you are to be congratulated on being so honest.

Bodge's Bulletin

Rose said...

Glad that things are working out for you and your family. You are very brave to be so honest about all these fears, but I think most of us share many of the same ones. Great photo--I like that idea of representing hope.

Omykiss said...

Hi maggie ... your photo and blog reminds me of that Leonard Cohen song which goes: "There is a crack, a crack in everything, that's how the light gets ..."

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh Maggie, I just read both posts and I am sorry. There was a poet, named Merrit Malloy that once wrote a poem that really struck me (and curse my terrible memory that I can't quote it correctly), but it was something like "Conflicts (or arguments) scar me". The thing with Kaiko must be very hard.
I do love your triangular photo-- what a great eye you had for this one!!

Robin said...

I truly have a fear of posting anything this honest. I admire your courage and your writing.

Lavinia Ladyslipper said...

Your fears are understandable, and, I believe, shared by the majority of humanity.

Depression is a very scary thing...I hope it never happens to you again....