By The Skin Of My Teeth

Photos copyright: Maggie May

I feel that I only got to chemo four by the skin of my teeth.

It was delayed by one week and I also felt that I was being dissuaded from carrying on. When I asked a ward nurse about this, she said that they were trying to give me a way out if I felt I had had enough, as I was suffering a bit because of my white blood cells being depleted and my digestive tract being so upset following chemo 3. However, they didn't reckon on my stamina and my belief that I am a fighter and that I won't give in.

You might well be getting heartily fed up with me writing about cancer related things all the time but I feel that as one in three of us will get cancer at some time in our lives, that I want to somehow or other, help take away the stigma from a once feared word and let everyone know that they can talk about it and that hiding behind fear, or avoiding it, will not make it go away.

I went in to Oncology early morning last Tuesday and had a full blood count taken straight away and found out quite soon that my white cells had perked up to a very good reading. I then had to wait for liver and kidney function tests that would take an hour and a half.

I chose a good vein to have the cannula put in to, one that hadn't been violated before because it does cause pain for weeks afterwards and theres no way that I would let them use the same vein twice. I had my pre chemo drugs put in right away.

The liver test reading came back and proved to be a bit low, but the doctor said that I could go ahead with chemo as long as I get another reading at my doctors in a week. I cannot get my head round that as surely this chemo will make it worse, but never mind perhaps there would be some treatment I could have. Anyway you can see that I did get into chemo four by the skin of my teeth.

I knew that if I took photos on the ward that might upset everyone, so I decided that I would take pictures for you to see when I went to the toilet. Reading that back I realise that statement could be taken the wrong way and I want to make it perfectly clear that I was NOT going to take a picture of me on the toilet but I wanted to take photos of the chemo bag and pump. The chemo is pumped in by electricity and when I go to the toilet, I have to pull out the wire that connect to the main socket, from the back of the pump and cancel the ensuing alarm. The pump then continues to work using a stored battery.

I have to then try not to tangle the long drip tube that trails everywhere or yank out the cannula in my right hand. That would definitely start the alarm up into action. Everything I do is with my left hand and seems very clumsy.

We are encouraged to drink masses of water throughout the sessions of chemo so we all seem to trundle to the toilet many times. I am on the ward for about six hours and I do find it a puzzle that I come back from several toilet trips and find the alarm is quiet and that no tubes have tangled up, and yet when I am sitting quietly reading a book, the alarm goes into spasms sending nurses scurrying to deal with it even though I don't feel I have done anything to upset it.

The time seemed to pass OK. Felt sleepy and had lots of naps. I really hope that I didn't snore at any stage.

The one depressing thing that I found this time round was that I saw more quite young people having chemo and some were only in their teens or early twenties.

That is something that I am grateful for....... this disease did not hit me while I was young.

I am at present, feeling tired and weary, itchier than I have ever been in my life...... to the point of pain and my digestion is all upset. No sign of chemo brain so there's always something to be thankful for. I had a few visitors today and it was sunny. Good to look at through the window.

I promise you that I will write a different kind of post next time. Something that will be fitting to Spring.

Rag Jackets

Photos copyright: Maggie May

I have just come back from oncology where I have had my pre assessment and unfortunately my immune system has dipped so low that it doesn't register. So I will have to delay having my chemo for a week.

The doctor told me that 52% of people cannot cope with this chemo and he might stop at four. I am a bit devastated but he did say I was already in remission.

Don't things change in a week? I have gone from elation to despair!

So it looks like I will have to get on with the rag jackets as I won't be going anywhere.

I have offered to make Sam's friend a jacket now as I find it is therapeutic sewing on these little strips. How pathetic is that?

At this rate I shall be providing half the Morris Dancing team with jackets........ NOT!

I shall have to take great care not to get an infection.

I feel tired this month and slightly sick but all my other bloods are fine. Perhaps I do need a rest. I have had a busy month.

Light After Shadows

Photo copyright: Maggie May

After walking in the shadows for a good while I now feel that there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

I went to see my consultant today to see what the results of the CT scan were. I was told that I was in a very good position as the chemo was doing what it was supposed to do without upsetting me too much. The cancer has responded to it very well and there is only the tiniest bit left. So it was a communal decision at the hospital to press on with the chemo and

session four will be next Tuesday 23rd Feb.

Although they cannot give me any guarantees, (in fact they can never give anyone any guarantee that their cancer won't come back), they did stress that I am in a very good position.

She said some people get worse with chemo as the time goes on, but some people have better times as they get further into chemo. I am hoping I am one of the latter as compared to the first two treatments, I was not as badly afflicted last time.

I am still very busy making rag jackets for son and granddaughter for May Day. There is a lot of work in making them and it isn't something that can be done overnight. So I will press on with that as it gives me something to do while I am incapacitated.

I am pleased to be able to tell you that my brother, Eddie Bluelights, has now come home from hospital and is resting. He seems to be made of strong stuff and is galloping about on two sticks. He will get back to the blog as soon as he is able. In fact his computer has automatically posted something new,so go over there if you can.

All for now..........

Sewing Strips

Photos copyright: Maggie May

In my last post I was saying that I would be resting in front of the gas fire while I recovered from chemo. Well that just didn't happen. The weather turned out brighter and it wasn't cold. This time I felt quite reasonable till day three, so I was able to get on with a few things.

My son, Sam had announced that he would be requiring a rag jacket for his Morris Dancing on May Day.

So it was with this in mind that I had bought a *job lot* of suitable colours from a Charity shop some days ago and thought that it would be therapeutic to cut them out into strips and to start to sew them on to the green shirt we were using as a base. The object is to completely cover the shirt with strips of different colours (predominately green). When dancing, the strips twirl about. Some of the dancing can look quite aggressive with sticks and poles and one occasion Sam received a blooded nose as well as various bumps to the head.

Anyway, it did turn out to be therapeutic, cutting and stitching until day 4, when the going got tough. However this time round, I didn't seem to have the chemo brain syndrome, so some things went much better.

When this jacket is finished, I have to make one for Amber, as she had to borrow one last May Day. Now she has decided that she wants her own.

Go here if you'd like to see May Day last year and get a glimpse of the raggedy jackets.

It was good to see the sun streaming through the windows while I was recovering this time round and although I won't feel really well for a few days, I know that things will improve.

Gas Fire

Photo copyright: Maggie May

I am writing this on Monday, after my pre assessment for treatment tomorrow.

I have been declared fighting fit and will be all set for chemo 3 in the morning.

The doctor is very pleased with me and says that after my CT scan, on the 10th, I might need a small amount of surgery before they go on with the treatment 4. (As a preventative thing to stop spread) I suppose they mean to take tissue away from surrounding areas. I have complete faith in these doctors and I believe I have the very best, so will definitely do whatever is recommended.

Anyway..... you all know the ropes now. I will be too ill to post or comment for a few days & my mind will get more confused than normal. Bear with me. I will be back. In the mean time, I will flake out in front of a cosy fire. It has gone cold again and the treatment makes me feel the cold more anyway.

'Bye for now!

Everything went well today, (Tuesday) and I have been infused with Chemo 3. Just got home and needing to chill out!

Is there anyone out there who did not know that my brother, Eddie Bluelights, has interviewed David Mcmahon on his Sunday Roast. David is a Melbourne journalist, author of best selling books and a professional photographer. Why not pop over and see what you might have missed.

A Year Ago

Photo copyright: Maggie May

A year or so ago, my husband and son were underpinning the kitchen and searching for rat runs because we had nests of them up in the kitchen roof in a place where we could not get to them at all. We had nothing but problems from the start. Just at the wrong time it started to snow and then Sam hurt his arm through all that digging. Everything was held up.

Eventually the underpinning was finished and because there didn't seem to be any sign of rats whatsoever, even though we had been assured by Pest Control that they were coming from underground, in late Spring we had scaffolding put all over the garden and a tin canopy spread across the kitchen roof to protect it from the elements while the roof was taken off. The rat run was then discovered, chewed electrics repaired and a new kitchen roof was reconstructed. The source of the problem had been found.

The interior of the kitchen took months to finish and the house was really cluttered as we had everything stored in boxes.

All this caused great stress to me. It was very difficult to cook and keep anything clean.

I often think back to those times and think what a near squeak we had with all that commotion going on. You see, I didn't know about my cancer then. Think what a disaster it would have been if I'd have had to start chemotherapy with all that disruption around me. Unthinkable.

I suppose that is one of the things to be really thankful for.... that the kitchen was in a reasonable state before I knew about what was in store for me.

Seems when we get over one problem in our family, that we are instantly met by another and this is how it has been for years. One thing after another.

I just want to thank all the readers who have been supporting me with thoughts and prayers during my time in need. You will probably never realise just how much you have been helping me. EVERYONE. Just by being there and putting up with me when I have nothing to say about normal life apart from my recent experiences of chemotherapy, wigs and anything else associated with cancer.

There are several ladies though who have been supporting me with email, thoughts and prayers and through comments on my blog. They are the ones who have been down a similar route and who have encouraged me, given me information and urged me on.

Seeing their bravery through their own cancer has helped me to battle my own.

I just want to mention some of them who are now over their treatment and getting on with their lives.

One such person is Bernie whose blog is called On My Own. She lives in Canada and apart from emailing me with words of encouragement, she has even sent me a great little parcel of goodies from across the pond. I thought that was really kind of her and I was so thrilled.

Janine from Sniffles and Smiles lives in the USA and has been a tremendous prayer supporter and always remembers to email me when I seem to need it most, even though she is an extremely busy lady and has had to take time out recently, to catch up with other commitments. She told me a very useful tip..... that if I drank plenty of water while having chemotherapy I wouldn't feel sick. There is a lot of truth in that and I take bottles of water with me and drink all the time I am having the treatment.

Brenda whose blog is Brenda's Blog from Paraguay has recently completed her chemotherapy and describes fully her apprehension about living with the stress of waiting for scan results every six months. I can imagine myself being in the same position eventually. She leaves me useful comments and I find her posts helpful too.

Iota, sometimes known as guineapigmum whose blog is called Not Wrong Just Different is a British mum with a family who transported to USA. She sought me out when she read about my problem and left comments on some of my posts. She has completed chemotherapy for a similar type of cancer to me and her hair is on its way to growing back, though she feels the process is very slow. I have found reading her experiences very helpful and her bravery and determination encouraging.

Renee from Circling my Head who has been battling cancer bravely for along time. She is cheerful in spite of that and I do admire her strong but accepting attitude. She has always something positive to say.

I must not forget my sister in law, Maria, who doesn't believe in blogging but who is always just at the end of the phone when I need support even though she is often in great pain herself. She had chemotherapy years ago so can empathise.

Ann from Retired and Crazy has recently lost her husband but as he went through chemotherapy a few years ago, she knows what it is like and has empathy with me. We both started blogging around the same time and I found her very helpful when I was getting launched into writing my first posts. I stole many friends from her blog roll!

I must not forget my husband, Harry, who has been battling prostate cancer for years and has recently not had good news about his own health. He has been very supportive, especially when I was housebound during the snow and he risked his neck on the ice to do shopping for me. He was more devastated to hear of my illness than when he heard about his own bad news.

I know when I am ill next week with Chemo 3, he will look after me and be there for me, even though he is not in good shape himself.

There are many other people who have been there for me commenting and urging me on and laughing at things with me and I just want to say.

THANKS!

Is there any one left in Bloggesphere who hasn't read my brother, Eddie Bluelight's Sunday Roast Interview (number 100) with a person that so many bloggers still miss? Non other than David Mcmahon, the Melbourne journalist, writer of best selling books and professional photographer? If it has escaped your notice, then pop over to see what it is all about. He had so many Followers that it would be impossible to tell all of them about the interview that they would probably be very interested in reading.

Twigs and Wigs

Photos copyright: Maggie May

This last week has been what I call my best week. The week that my blood cells start to pick up. (The white cells in particular are at their lowest ebb on the fourteenth day of the 3 weekly sessions of chemotherapy.) I have noticed that I am not quite as lively as I was at this stage on session one, so maybe my seasoned chemotherapy advisors are right when they suggest there is an accumulative effect when each session takes a worse toll on the body than the last. After all, they have been there. They know what it is like.

However, there is a stubborn streak in me that wants to ignore this and pretend it isn't so. You can all laugh at me later, if I am wrong.

I think it must be a British thing to go out walking in all weathers. I tend to think that my overseas readers think that I am slightly mad for doing it.

I was brought up in the days when everyone walked everywhere. When we had babies we were instructed to put them outside in the garden for a few hours in the morning, in their prams, in all weathers. The fresh air, we were told would do them good. Most of the prams in those days were sturdy Silver Cross or similar type models with lots of protection from the elements. Not at all like the modern buggy.

At that time, I was more worried about the 14 yr old boy next door who used to fire an air rifle at targets down his garden, with only a flimsy wooden fence between him and my son.

However my baby survived the pellets that might have strayed over but he did suffer from asthma later on. I'm not sure if it was through being out in all weathers or if it was because he was a passive smoker, like me because his Dad and all the outer circle of relatives smoked back then. It was positively encouraged wherever you went.

Non of this would have happened today in the climate of over protecting our youngsters, never letting them anywhere on their own or to take any risk of any kind, without an adult being present and I look back in horror now at some of the things that we all did in those days.

I was really on the subject of walking but took a little detour. Sorry about that.

Well these past two weeks I have walked out in all weathers and different friends have rallied round and said they would accompany me on walks and I have a few booked in for this week later on.

I have started to wear my wig lately. At first it took a bit of nerve as I feel I look more like 45 in it.......... from the back, that is and I feel like mutton dressed as lamb.

A few days ago I bumped into one of my livelier work mates while out, wearing my wig and she shrieked with joy as we hugged one another and laughed fit to bust.

"What are you going to do, Maggie, when your hair grows back? Only you look so much younger in that wig and so well."

I suppose she has a point but the prospect of having any hair at all seems a very long way off. Too long to even visualise it. No wonder I feel the cold as I have lost all the hair on my arms and legs too so cannot even shiver properly. Not that I was a hairy type, mind.

I was gardening recently. Chopping back the clematis from the bottom of trees and shrubs because I wanted them to bear flowers in the Spring and late Summer low enough to see them. I completely forgot that I was wearing a wig and I nearly lost the thing altogether when it became tangled in a branch. That was in the privacy of my own garden. Imagine walking under some low shrubs on the pavement, as I often do and suddenly having my hair torn off. I must definitely remember to be very careful when doing such things in future.

When I wear my wig, every one assumes that I am really healthy and expects much more of me no matter what I am really feeling like inside. When I wear a head scarf, I have had doors opened for me and even people urging me forward in a queue because they must assume I am a poor, sick person having chemotherapy. So that is quite a useful thing. I definitely won't be wearing a wig when I am feeling weak.

What ever happens, it does pay to have a sense of humour. My youngest granddaughter says, "Grannie, let me see you under that scarf. How much hair have you got left?"

I would definitely like to see the girls' school work and wonder if they have written anything about hair loss and being ill or if they have even drawn pictures. Children tend to tell it like it is. They are not scared to speak the truth the way we are.

Well I have rattled on about hair and chemotherapy yet again.

My next session is on 2nd February ....... if the pre assessment the day before proves I am fit enough. I dread having the next one but would be gutted if I couldn't.

That will be Session Three....... the halfway mark. Doesn't time fly by?

(When you're having fun?)

I'd like to remind anyone who might not have seen my brother Eddie Bluelights on the 100th Sunday Roast, interviewing an old friend David Mcmahon, the Melbourne journalist, writer of best selling novels and professional photographer who we all used to know through our blogging. Why not go over and learn more about him.

Round Two

Photocopyright: Maggie May

Round Two is still in full swing. I am feeling as though all the stuffing has been knocked out of me. No energy. Just doing things for survival, washing, eating, keeping clean seems a major feat. The house seems to be in a mess and I have no energy to do much about it. I have managed better without the steroids but I am much more tired than last time.

I am in the middle of bad joint pain right now.

Managing to eat and sleep.

Looking forward to the weekend when things might start to pick up for me again.

My lovely haircut has disappeared and I have now got a moth-eaten head. Practically bald.

I am sorry not to be able to visit and comment yet. I daresay I will feel more like doing that soon.

The snow is gradually thawing but I don't feel up to going out yet.

I was pleased to see that my daughter, Deb, has recently updated her blog. I hope that will be good therapy for her. Why not look her up?

The New Look

I Have Had my chemotherapy and have come home very tired. It has been a long day.

Have to let it take its course now and see if it will be any better.

No snow so far.

My spiked stick has been delivered already. No sign of the ice grippers, but I think I will be lying low for a while, anyway.

My son arrived back in Bristol very late on Saturday night and called round to see me on Sunday afternoon. It was great to see him and the girls again after their absence over Christmas while they were in Japan.

As promised, he brought his electric clippers and proceeded to clip off my hair. It felt really good to be rid of the dead stuff. There is about a quarter of an inch left and that is falling out very fast.

Today I went to Oncology to have my pre-assessment ....... blood tests etc and I seem to be in fine fettle.

The doctor was over the moon when he examined me and said he could find no sign of the tumour in the groin. He thinks he has struck gold with the right treatment. He has booked me down for a CT scan in February to see what is happening with the other two behind the stomach. He said he has high hopes that they will be gone too.

So it is Chemo Two tomorrow at 8.15 am.

However, there are to be some changes.

I will not be given steroids to bring back home, as they think that is what caused the hallucinations on day 5 & 6.

It will be necessary to have a dose of steroids before the treatment otherwise my body would not cope with the poison. They also will put in a strong anti histamine and an anti sickness solution intravenously before they connect the chemo to help my body to cope with the shock.

They will give me stronger anti sickness pills and I have got better pain relief for my joint pain. So I feel more confident that I will not suffer as greatly as I did last time. And if I do....... then I know that it will pass after the sixth day.

That is a relief to know.

All I want now is for the roads to keep clear of snow.

I don't care what it does later on. I just need to get started on round two!

Head Wear, Friends and Ice

Photos copyright: Maggie May.

I am wearing scarves mostly because my hair is still shedding very slowly though the scalp has now settled down and is not hurting. However, it is still very itchy and I definitely haven't got nits. Everything is about to change very soon as my son seems to think that he is going to shave my head, for some reason. Maybe it will be payback time for the days when I had to say no to him as a child! What better way than to shave off a mother's hair for revenge! I am waiting for news that he has landed at Heathrow.

I had quite a selection of scarves in my wardrobe, so these ones will *see me through* chemo I should think.

I did buy the little hat from a company that supplies chemotherapy patients with head gear. It comes with different bands to clip round the edge to make it look like I had a few different hats.

Of course wearing a winter hat, no one knows what is under there, hair or no hair.

The weather is still too icy for me to go out but yesterday I had three visitors during the afternoon.

The first was from my lovely young neighbour across the road (who has 2 young children) and who I have never really got to know very well because she has only been in the house a relatively short time and I have always been scurrying here, there and everywhere on my way to work and ferrying the grandchildren to some place or other. However we have always passed a few words of greeting on our brief encounters and it was really lovely to get to know her better and she brought me a delicious banana cake, still warm from the oven.

The second visitor was a good neighbour and friend from along the road. When we both had cats (two each) we used to look after them for each other at holiday times thus saving ourselves much money in cattery fees. As our cats sadly died of old age, one by one, we were still available to house watch for each other. So I was fascinated when C brought a long a stick with a spike on the end, that she had bought for rambling. It was an expanding stick with different heights for different sized walkers and C said that if she felt she was slipping, the stick would hold her up.

C also was willing to shop for me if I needed anything and I know that I can always ring her if I have a crisis of any kind.

The third friend (N) is the mother of my youngest granddaughter's best friend. She has been a great support to me, calling round and listening to me moan and sharing my fears about my disease and treatment. The school had opened again yesterday, so N popped in to ask if I needed anything on her way to school to collect the children.

All these three friends are much younger than me. In fact they are young enough to be my daughters and I am for ever grateful that they are not put off by me being so much older than them.

When I was younger I used to do the same and adopted several older people who I had regular contact with and was extremely upset when they inevitably died because they seemed to have much to offer me by their friendship and I can honestly say that I still miss them.

It was great to have a good natter to these lovely *youngsters.* I know two of you read my blog, so thank you very much for your kindness and for thinking of me.

Next winter I am going to be better prepared. A friend in Canada Mary G told me about some ice grippers to fit on the end of my shoes. They have spikes or studs. She recommended a firm in the UK where I could get them.

Next year I will be prepared and will not be housebound again. I will get a stick with a point and with my ice-grippers secured to my feet, I will be darting her, there and everywhere. I will not end up being a prisoner like this again.

I will be completely fighting back.

If we get a heat wave next winter, then you know the reason why! Its because I am prepared for snow.

My sister in law told me that I could cut the sleeves off an old pullover and put them over my shoes. She said that this would grip the ice and told me to practice going up and down the road and see if I can balance. I will be doing this, I can assure you. Maybe this will get me to church tomorrow. If I get there, I will wear my wig and shock everyone.

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. Much appreciated.

Well I tried out my sister in law's idea about putting something over my boots...... so I cut up a M&S Tee shirt and folded a large piece under each boot, tied in knots at the top. Do you know? I walked round the block no problem. I felt like whooping for joy. When I got home I was whooping for joy. I guess I will be going to Church tomorrow after all....... in my wig!

Is It A Guinea Pig?

Photos copyright: Maggie May

This thing arrived in a little box the other week. What ever is it? A guinea pig perhaps? A new little member of the family?

No....... it is my new wig! I went to the orthotics department in the hospital for a fitting and was surprised to be taken to a tiny room lined with hundreds of little boxes. I knew I was going to be flummoxed about what to choose, so I took my longstanding friend with me who just happens to be a hairdresser.

I had thought of myself as grey and asked to see a wig in that colour. I tried on a light grey one with thick curls. What a mess....... I looked twenty years older. I was told by the very kind lady, called Audrey, who was in charge, that my hair was really quite dark with light grey smatterings on top. Funny how we don't realise what we look like to other people.

It was suggested that I try on a chestnut thick haired, short, wavy wig. Well I felt a bit like mutton dressed as lamb. Definitely not me. I tried a thick, wavy, short wig that was half grey and half brunette. I don't mean that the top half was one colour and the bottom was something else. No I mean that the brown was interspersed with grey. Although my friend and Audrey both inferred that this was me........ I was not impressed and thought, "If I have to take this wig, I will never wear it."

I then asked to see some that would quite obviously be unsuitable for me. Maybe that would persuade me to like one of the others. A really wild brown one was then passed over for me to try. It made me look as though I had been pulled through a hedge backwards and I knew if I took this one, I would be forever feeling that I needed a trim as it was really untidy and stuck out everywhere.

I was now feeling really despondent and guessed that I would never wear a wig, ever. Until Audrey produced this one. The wrong colour and in a style that I hadn't thought of.

Putting it on, I guessed it would be more suitable for a very young person. Then voila....... Audrey said my face lifted. She knew it was meant for me. I looked at my friend, thinking she would say, "Ridiculous." However, she really liked it.

I had always wanted thick curls and had always been lumbered with fine straight hair. Well best to stick to what I am used to and I felt straight was more me.

When I got home, I put the wig on and the oldest grandchild didn't notice, however the youngest one broke out into a smile, but said nothing. Husband said, "Oh that's nice" and son said, "I was expecting you to get something outrageous but I see you didn't."

Well this colour is outrageous for me........

Now I have to find the nerve to wear it. I think I will save it for best. In any case, I will wait for the natural hair to fall out as the wig will grip better, I was informed.

This post was put in draft before chemotherapy. I know that my hair will fall out anytime now.

I am wearing scarves because I don't want it to happen in public!

A few days ago my brother, Eddie and Maria his wife came to see me and asked to see the wig. I put it on for the duration of the time they were here. Maria seemed to really like it. However, my daughter said she liked me better with a scarf. I don't feel particularly confident in the wig. We shall have to see.....

Happy New Year Everyone!

Back Today

Sorry about that blip, which I wasn't expecting.

I was able to read your comments from time to time.

It was so encouraging to read your good wishes and know that everyone is rooting for me. That means so much to me.

I had meant to keep this blog fairly cancer free and carry on writing like I used to...... with humour and photos and memes etc. However, that is never going to work now as I am being treated for cancer and I feel every day there is a struggle to just do the necessary things for survival. I have got some things in draft form and later on I will post them. Today though, I feel that I have to be true to myself and I guess you are all wondering what I really feel like. I think it would be more real to be honest and if anyone is upset by it, then I'm sorry. Some of you have already been treated with chemotherapy and am really pleased you took the trouble to write to me and encourage me.

The treatment is different for everyone and each person is probably being treated very differently from someone else.

When I had the the chemical put in through a drip (it took hours) I had been told that if it got onto the skin it would cause burns. How the body copes with it I do not know. So its not surprising that it has taken its toll and given me some nasty side effects.

The worst part, I think was not knowing what is going to happen to me and for how long. I got a list of possible side effects and other cancer suffers could tell me what they felt. Its not the same though and I had nothing to go on as to how I would cope.

The main problem that hit me straight away was screaming joint pain. Obviously I have arthritis at my age and that seemed to be amplified big time. The thought of that going on for months made me wonder whether it was worth it. Fortunately for me that passed after several days.

The next thing was even worse.

I became extremely negative and had visual disturbances ....... things that slithered on the floor like snakes. I knew they were not real but I thought I was going mad. I kept feeling I couldn't go on with it and the family had to get me to a locum doctor, who said I wasn't psychotic but the chemicals were causing me to have visual effects. Fortunately this only lasted a few days.

The sickness had already set in by then and I couldn't keep anything down. I was getting so weak. I didn't think my body would cope. Not being able to drink anything, the hospital was considering having me admitted to the ward if it continued.

Yesterday, I felt I was able to think more clearly and waves of tiredness consumed my body and I slept for hours.

My wonderful daughter gave me a tiny lunch of a baked potato and a small slice of pizza that tasted so wonderful and I managed to keep that down. While I was eating the meal, she had a friend round, who I knew well from the days when all our children were at school together, and I can remember talking to her for a long time and suddenly I woke up and she was gone. I had slept on the settee for a few hours. I went to bed and slept for hours. Seems I cannot get enough sleep.

On arising today, I ate breakfast and drank plenty. My sight had been affected badly in one eye, making me feel I had done real damage to it through these blasted chemicals..... however this morning, I can read again.

I am not as creative anymore. I cannot concentrate. I had hoped to use this recovery time to read and blog. Maybe I will feel stronger soon. I know that the next week or two will make me very vulnerable to infection as my red and white cells and platelets are having to re build to normal.

However, today I am alive and in a better frame of mind and resting. I can eat and drink without being sick. Theres always something to be grateful for and today I am in a positive enough frame of mind........ so I am grateful about that.

However, the thing that I am most grateful for is that I have noticed that the tumour in the groin has diminished considerably...... so it does look as though that is the right treatment for it.

Feeling Grot

I'm really sorry but I feel terrible and cannot blog or email. Will be back when I can.

Chemo, snow and waiting.....

Hi everyone....... I have at last started my treatment.

When I saw the snow yesterday, my heart sank. It was thick, as British snow goes, and soon made all the roads a slippery mess.

You Canadians will wonder why this should happen. Well Britain, (England anyway), is never ready for the snow.

When it pitched, the roads were un-gritted and everything came to a halt.

Very selfishly, I was only worried about getting my treatment.

I got up very early in the morning and my husband de iced daughter's car for her. She hates driving in the snow. However once we got out onto the main road, it wasn't too bad.

We found ourselves in the Hospital car park and there was no place you could park without paying an extortionate amount, which for cancer patients, some of them going in everyday, is a great hardship.

The nurse struggled to find a vein that didn't collapse and as I noticed my daughter going a funny colour, she was pleased when I told her I could manage on my own. I was much more worried about the snow than anything else I experienced.

The infusions took a long time to go in, and I was there well over six hours.

They gave me lunch and I had taken lots of things to do. However I was surprised the simple crosswords in the book I had brought seemed suddenly very difficult and I realised that my brain was not as capable of solving easy puzzles. When the chemical was flushed out of the tube in my hand, I started to be able to do the puzzles again, but I am making lots of typos that I am having to put right and I had to think really carefully how to put the signature on the post. I haven't worried about a picture this time. So I think that my brain has been affected already.

All in all, I was surprised how I could eat tonight although I do feel tired.

I have got lots of pills to take and I have lots of dos and don'ts ...... a long list of them.

Thank you to all who have emailed me and for everyones' support.

I will get round to answering soon.

I will have to play it by ear, but I have had enough for today. Will keep you posted.

Past Christmases

Hosted by Cecily and Honey Mommy

Photos copyright: Maggie May

As I have said before, this Christmas will be like no other because I don't know what to expect or how I will feel after chemotherapy. I have to be at the hospital by 8.15 am to start the treatment on Tuesday. My daughter and the grandsons will be here this Sunday and we are hoping to have a chicken roast on Monday just in case I feel too ill to eat over Christmas. I will enjoy a glass of wine with it as I don't suppose I will be allowed to drink or even feel like it from the next day onwards.

So I have been looking through old photos of Christmases past. The younger grandson in the above picture put on two Christmas hats.He must have pinched the second one from his brother. He certainly had a triumphant look on his face.

This one was taken a good few years ago when the oldest granddaughter received a microphone for Christmas and she practiced being a diva for days. She was only here for a short time and had to go back to Japan again after that. It always caused me great distress to say goodbye.

Here she is again showing off....... the same Christmas.

The picture below shows the wonder of Christmas to a small child (same one again) looking at the lights. I think this one was taken when they lived in Japan.

They are flying out to see their other grandparents on Christmas Eve. They will be sadly missed. However when they are here, the other grandparents miss them too, so it seems that one or the other of our families are going to be sad some of the time. Can't be helped.

Photostory Friday is hosted by Cecily.

Three Days before Christmas......

Photos copyright: Maggie May

This Christmas will be really different for me. You see, I will be having my first treatment of chemotherapy on 22nd of December, which is only three days before Christmas Day.

I am glad to be finally starting the treatment. It seems that I have been waiting for ever for chemo. I'm not sure how long it actually is but I do know what has held up the true diagnosis and start of the treatment.

Right from the beginning, I was warned that I had secondary cancer and that it was difficult to find the source. Now I have a definite diagnosis that is called Occult Cancer or CUP ( cancer from unknown primary.) It is fairly rare not to know where the cancer has come from and only about 3-4% of all cancers belong to this group and to make matters worse, out of that small minority, I am in the 30% of the rarer still cancers.

So treating this cancer will be a bit hit and miss.

I told you before that I am awkward......... or shall we call it special!

Anyway, I have to trust God that the treatment will shrivel up my three tumours and give me a long remission.

I know that many people are believers and praying for me all over the world and others are sending me warm, positive thoughts, reiki and anything else that might benefit me. I am grateful to all who are doing this, I really am.

Last Sunday in Church, I suddenly experienced a tremendous peace that came over me and I know it is all about the power of prayer. I went forward for healing and felt very calm inside. I am lucky to have a really good church family as well as all you lovely people.

I also have neighbours, friends and workmates who are all sending me love, warmth and good wishes and I know that every one really cares what happens to me. So I feel very blessed by these people and I know that I will have to hang on to all this when the going gets tough over the next few months.

I finished work last Friday, until further notice and felt really tearful and emotional about that. However it means that I have a week to catch up with my Christmas preparations that have been sadly neglected.

I have had to have a swine flu injection before I could have the chemo. This has made me feel quite ill, but I am over the worst of that now.

I am also going for a fitting for a wig soon (which I might never wear) and have also ordered some suitable headwear (in case I don't like the wig) from a firm on the internet that specialises in chemotherapy patients' head gear.

So I am all set for whatever the treatment throws at me. Let it come.

Diagnosis

Photo copyright: Maggie May

I have come back from the hospital after a three hour wait for the results of the scan.

My chemotherapy will start in two weeks time.

I will have to have two different chemicals dripped into my body over a period of four hours. This will be repeated every three weeks until six sessions have been completed. Half way through, I will have a scan to see if the tumours are shrivelling. Yes....... they found two more tiny ones behind my stomach.

I will lose my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows as well as any other hair that might be lurking about.

Strange thing is...... they still don't know where this cancer has come from and probably never will. I have probably not had it long. It is unusual for this to happen, but then I am an extraordinary person.

I cannot work in a school because my immune system will get very low. I must also not be in charge of the grandchildren as I will not feel well enough. That will be a blow to my family but cannot be helped. I am fighting for my life here so need to only think of myself.

If all goes well I will be in remission by May.

I hope you will all bear with me if I don't comment as much after the next two weeks. It will all depend on how I feel.

I will live from day to day and as I said before, I don't want this to be a cancer blog. I hope to be able to write about other things too.