Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Counting My Blessings

Copyright: Maggie May

This evening (Wednesday) at 6pm, I will be going to our local hospital for a CT scan. At first I thought I was going to be fed through a tiny space which I wouldn't have liked because I get claustrophobic in confined spaces. It might be because I would feel really out of control of what would be happening to me, as I wouldn't be able to escape if I wanted to.
I am pleased to say that I have discovered that it is not the MRI scan but the doughnut, a much wider piece of equipment so I will be fine with that.
I have to drink a pint of water before I go to have it and pour in a little potion that has been sent to me via the hospital. This will show up my digestive tract from start to finish. I will not get the results until the following Wednesday that brings us up to the 2nd of December.

All this waiting has not been easy for me as I am by nature, an impatient person. I like to get results...... I like to start things NOW!
I am having to learn to accept that this cannot be. I have to wait.
I am rather an unusual person because I have a secondary cancerous lump in the groin and no one seems to know where the primary cause is. It is unusual but not unheard of. Just the kind of thing that happens to us as a family though. Not straightforward ....... typical of Maggie May.
If the scan shows up something....... then I will start chemotherapy and radiation treatment straight away. If nothing shows up they will zap the groin tumour with radiation.
I can see that this is going to mess up Christmas either way.
My son is coming to stay for a week with the girls from the time school finishes till the time they fly to Japan for two weeks on Christmas Eve. My daughter will be coming to take over from him when he is away. (Poor thing, as though she hasn't had enough to cope with already.) There will be a bit of an overlap when all the family will all be together.

To try and make it more enjoyable for the children, my son Sam is buying a wii for them all that will be put upstairs in the roof. So that if I am chucking up in a bucket and losing my hair, the children will be having a good time up in the attic space and hopefully that will compensate.

Usually, at this time of the year, I am wishing the Winter away and longing for the Spring. Not anymore. Now I feel very much alive and living for the moment. Being alive seems much more precious. Everything now seems more lovely, more treasured, more beautiful. People seem more important, relationships seem much more meaningful.
I am living for the moment and am grateful for what I have. When you think there is a chance that you might die........ then everything seems to be more vibrant, enticing you to live. I took everything for granted before and hadn't realised the way I often wished my time away.

I have spent a good chunk of my life worrying about my old age. How I would cope if I was left alone. How would I manage financially. When you realise that there might not be an old age then it all seems to have been a complete waste of time. Living for the moment seems a much better option.
Today I can see and hear and move about. I can cuddle my grandchildren and I can blog. I know I am loved by so many people and that gives me courage to face the future.
I have to chose a picture now to go with this post. I'm not sure what it will be yet......... but it will probably be something beautiful.


42 comments:

Thumbelina said...

Oh you certainly did pick a beautiful picture. :0) The best.

Each day at a time. That's all He gives us - one day at a time. That's all we need to worry about. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow evening. God bless.

Hilary said...

You sure chose a beauty of a picture.

Maggie your outlook on life is good. That will take you far. I expect to be reading your blog for a very long time to come.

My best thoughts are with you, my friend.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"Everything now seems more lovely, more treasured, more beautiful."

Maggie, how wonderful that you see this. I'll be thinking of you. Take good care.

Wendy said...

That is a good pic! So cute! You certainly have written a heart-felt and honest post. It takes courage to state your feelings, options, and treatment plan in those terms. I take my hat off to you!

Sending you lots and lots of white healing light. Your attitude is a good one and it will see you well.

I too will be looking forward to reading your blog for years to come!
Hugs

RiverPoet said...

Beautifully put. My daughter only lived to age 25. How much more might she have seen and done in life? I'll never know. You are right that we should live each day, each hour. We aren't even guaranteed our next breath.

Peace (and a happy outcome) - D

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh Miss Maggie May! You have such a wonderful attitude. I love that your family is coming. I love your little blessings. I know they will so treasure their time with you! And they will love the wii too.

You are beautiful. You will conquer this. I just know it!

Rose said...

And a beautiful picture it is, Maggie! Remember those two sweet little girls and your grandsons as you fight whatever you may have to in order to get well. Living in the moment, enjoying every minute that God gives us--that is the way we should all live our lives, but too often it takes a scare like this to make us realize it. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow evening and praying that the results, when they are in, are optimistic ones.

Bernie said...

Love how you realize all we have is right now and are making the most of it....you will have many more nows Miss Maggie but staying in the moment is so much more fun...you realize what is important and what to just let go of. Love the photo and I will be with you as you drink the drink and go through the scan....with prayers in my heart always...:-) Hugs

nanatrish said...

I am praying for you. He is our Comforter and I pray you will rest in Him. The children are beautiful.
Maggie you are an inspiration. God is with you. love, Trish

Dimple said...

I knew a woman who was undergoing chemo for breast cancer. She said essentially the same thing: looking at the reality of life ending (and it does end for everyone) puts everything in perspective. You learn quickly what is important.

Psalms 90:12 So teach [us] to number our days, that we may apply [our] hearts unto wisdom.

Blessings on you, Maggie.

aims said...

You know I'm thinking of you and your husband.

Positive - positive - positive.

You'll conquer this Maggie. You just will.

Ayak said...

Maggie...you are displaying such courage..as I thought you would. I understand your impatience, the waiting is the worst thing about all this. Somehow if you know exactly what you are dealing with you can get on and deal with it. You have so many people in your life who care about you and this will help you to fight.

My thoughts will be with you this evening and in particular in a week's time when you get your results. I'm wishing so hard for a happy outcome for you.

Lots of Love xxx

The Things We Carried said...

Maggie, how beautiful you are. I can see you for what you are in your writing, though I have never layed eys upon your person. Your grandchildren are a perfect photo for the words!

Teacher's Pet said...

Maggie...my new friend. I want to live closer to you...not to be in the way...but to be able to be close to you and have some of that positive SWEEET outlook on living rub off on ME! Here is sit (feet propped up)..and I complain because I have to do the dishes...or I have to do the laundry...again!...and here you are...with the most wonderful and positive attitude about living life that God has give you to the fullest...and that puts me to shame. I want to live closer to you...to rub shoulders with you...sit at your feet and drink in your wisdom. You have the right attitude, my dear Sister in Christ.
And....you know what. You're going to beat this "C" thing. You are still # 1 in my prayer journal...not that I don't pray for everyone in it...but you are at the top...and when the time comes that your radiation or treatment is successful, I'm putting a BIG FAT check mark with a smiling face beside your name. Until then, I keep on praying...and reading your wonderful blogs...and filling myself with the wisdom of someone who knows what it is to live each day to the fullest.
The hugging loving girls are precious. Their smiles speak volumes. Your smile comes from your heart....and your heart spoke to mine today. Thank you for this post. May God continue to watch over you and bless you...and bless your family that will be there with you.
Much love,
Jackie

St Jude said...

You are right Maggie the waiting is difficult, but you have the right attitude and you have your family around you. One day at a time.

I'll be thinking of you tonight and I hope that it all goes well.

Jeni said...

That picture most certainly does say "Beautiful" -for sure! You picked well on that.
As to the different perspective -you're right on target there too. It does force you to see the good things around you, the beauty of things you maybe didn't recognize before and a better appreciation of life in general. Been there, done that and I do think it was that change in my perspective from the cancer/radiation/chemo/surgery along with the other issues since then, that has been a guiding force for me with the grandchildren and their issues too.
If you end up only having to have the radiation, that shouldn't make you ill -tired, exhausted, yes but I had no problems with it making me nauseated at all. I was lucky too in that even the chemo didn't affect me that much with being sick -usually only the first and second days of each treatment series were a bit yucky but not really horrible -the way some types of chemo does affect people, ya know.
As Aims says -positive, positive, positive! Keep thinking that way and you'll be right as rain!

Suburbia said...

Very beautiful indeed Maggie :)

Gosh, it's such a difficult lesson to learn isn't it, the one about not being impatient and wanting everything now. I am constantly strugglling with it.

I will be thinking of you this morning, so glad it is not the claustraphobic thing you are going into. Fingers crossed and positive thought s to you for all to be well.

So much I want to write I think I will turn this into an e mail!

Living for the moment, definitely the way to go :)

Sx

Frau said...

Love the picture! Prayers to you and your family.

Lindsay said...

I know how you feel about being impatient for the results - I was nervous as hell until I was told the worst - after that I just got on with it. So best of luck during this waiting period.

Mimi said...

Maggie, it's so true, we spend so much time worrying about stuff that doesn't matter. And all of us do it! Then we get a wake-up call from above, to get real and live the life we have right here, right now.
You're one brave and wonderful lady. You've met this challenge with courage, dignity and poise. Faced it head-on.
Good on you! Love, mimi

Mimi said...

And I hope all goes well for you this evening.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

By now, you will have had the scan and I am praying it has gone well for you. I look forward to hearing how you are.

As for the MRI scan, I agree they are awful and very scary. I've had 3 of them and might have to have another if my consultant says so. Then again, I might tell him to bugger off too!!

You take care my love, and yes, we do all love you.

CJ xx

Nessa said...

Lovely picture. Good luck with your test. It is hard to remember to live in the now, but very good advice.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate and a Happy Thursday just to celebrate.Wild Turkeys

Expat mum said...

Good luck Maggie. Thinking of you

Valerie said...

My thoughts and prayers go with you tomorrow. Thumbelina is right ... one day at a time.

ladyfi said...

Lovely picture - one of hope.

My thoughts are with you.

Working Mum said...

Yes, the picture was beautiful. Just gorgeous!

I can recommend you join in the Wii games(if possible). It is so funny, it will really lift your spirits. And it will be great to have your family around. Lots of contact with people will help you cope and recover.

Valleys Mam said...

no it should be over and I send warm cosiness to cwtch you all up
You will overcome this xxxxx

Leslie: said...

The photo of (I assume) your grandaughters is lovely! Such sweet smiles! And so sorry to hear you're going through such a time! It's not good at any time of year, let alone at Christmas. I'm sure all will turn out for the best. And my thoughts and prayers are with you. :D

The Girl From Cherry Blossom Street said...

It's true, we worry too much about tomorrow.
Carpe diem.

SandyCarlson said...

I so hope all goes well for you. May the technology serve you in every good way.

jinksy said...

What could be more beautiful than a hug?! :)

And you're right, Maggie, all anyone has is NOW...
May total healing be yours, whatever today's final result shows, plus much love any many hugs to help you along the way. XOXOX

Brian Miller said...

the blessings are many, even in the darkest of times...keep counting. smiles.

The Green Stone Woman said...

We all need to learn to live in the moment, Maggie. It is good of you to remind us of that. It is something I try to do, but also forget very often. I like the picture you chose. It is indeed of something beautiful.

Mama Zen said...

I'm crossing my fingers for you!

Akelamalu said...

I have everything crossed for you Maggie and am sending as much Reiki and positive thoughts as I can muster. xxxx

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Dearest Maggie,
I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to get here...but I was praying for you and your scan all the same! My computer is running again, and so I came right away...You are so right...everything seems that much more precious when you face death...you have expressed it so beautifully, my dear friend...and I found myself tearing and nodding all the way through this lovely post...And give those grandchildren extra hugs!!! They are beautiful!!! Sending you much love~Janine XO

cheshire wife said...

This must feel like the longest week of your life. Hopefully living for the moment will help it to fly by. Will be thinking about you with everything crossed next Wenesday.

Eddie Bluelights said...

Hoping and praying Maggie ~ Eddie x

introspection said...

Love the picture Mags. Thinking of you and of how wonderful you are.
Many hugs!

MarmiteToasty said...

All my love and good thoughts Im sending you in bucket loads..... you are such a beautiful person.... your positive attitude will see you through whatever is gonna be thrown at you.....

Ive worried about my old age to, and how I will cope in many ways on me own.... but you know what, non of that actually really matters, best to cross that bridge if I come to it.......

fanks for being you, a right proper treasure.....

know you are loved......

x

MarmiteToasty said...

ps....... the photo is adorable........

x