Photo copyright: Maggie May
Sometime ago, before the snow came and long before my chemotherapy, I took a photo of this cross made out of pansies in the front of a church not too far away. Today it is sunny and I went to my own Church and the sunshine was a sign that today is the beginning of my starting to feel stronger and over the next two weeks I will pick up and feel normal...... ready for the next onslaught. No, I must not think like that or else I would get too depressed. I live one day at a time. That is the only way. I am a fighter and I won't give in! I must remember that.
I looked into my photo folder and wondered how to illustrate this post. The cross sort of jumped out at me. Yes........ a new beginning. Keep my eye on the cross. I have to start from scratch and build myself up all over again.
It was good that there wasn't any snow to have to contend with on my way. I didn't have to worry about slipping and the sunshine was heartening.
People in church asked me just how chemotherapy affected me. Well today I felt physically very wobbly.
All I know is that I cannot speak coherently. I have what the hospital calls *chemo brain*. I think writing is easier than speaking as I just can't get out the right words when I try to speak. I am hoping that these brain cells of mine are not being killed off, but only stunned, as at my age I need every one of them.
The last five days have been really bad. However there were some improvements to last time. I wasn't sick and I didn't suffer from the hallucinations that were obviously caused by all the steroids that I had before.
I was very weak and for several days I felt that I might die from exhaustion but I guess I am a tough cookie and it will take more than this to finish off Maggie May! The very worst thing that I have to bear is two days of screaming joint pain. It is irritation of the nerves in all my limbs. That is a recognised side effect that the hospital gave me and I guess there is no way round it.
All the while that I was lying watching TV or listening to the news, when I couldn't do anything else, I kept thinking that even in my sorry state I am still better off than the people in Haiti. That terrible earthquake and the plight of the people played on my mind greatly.
I would like to thank everyone for the continued prayers that have been sent for me and for all the thoughts and gestures that come my way. It means a lot to me.
I hope my brain will clear and that I can get off this chemo subject for a while....... it seems to have taken me over. There used to be a life outside of it but that seems like a dream now.
