Uncertainty

Photo copyright: Maggie May

I guess that I have been living with uncertainty since my cancer was diagnosed in the Autumn of 2009.

It doesn't get any easier as the time goes by and I wonder if every new twinge that I experience is the beginning of a new outbreak somewhere else in my body.

I was hoping that the results of my scan would tell me that I was clear of the tumour on my spine following the radiation that I had to endure, but knowing how awkward I am, I never seem to get a black or white answer and my scan results proved inconclusive.

The Consultant just said it was impossible to tell if the tumour had gone or not but the scan revealed that I had a fracture of the coccyx (tail bone.) My scan results will be sent to a major hospital in Bristol to see if there is anything to worry about. Apparently only time will tell if the radiation has worked or not.

This waiting game seems to be the story of my life these days and I must just learn to enjoy what I have when ever I can and live for the now.

Smaller Than One Centimetre

One of the horrible things about having a secondary cancer of an unknown primary (CUP), is that no one has any real idea where it started. Nothing showed up on a CT scan because it was probably smaller than 1 cm which is the smallest sized tumour that can show up on a scan.

So where was this tumour then?

My body may well have fought the Primary cancer off but been unable to cope with the Secondary.

Each CUP sufferer has a different diagnosis and it seems that no two people present in exactly the same way. That is why I have felt so isolated because there is no one else who I can identify with.

There are no answers to my questions and my searching mind.

It was only by having a biopsy of the Secondary Cancer (in my case a gland in the groin) that anyone had a realistic idea what type of cancer it was, though where it came from is still a mystery. The sample was studied under a microscope and the experts were able to recognise a few pointers. In my case, it appeared to be of Ovarian type.

However nothing showed up on the ovaries and the cancer appeared to be in the peritonium.

I responded to the treatment of Ovarian Cancer quite quickly and have been having 3 monthly checks ever since my chemotherapy ended in the second week of April, this year.

The problem is, that before my cancer was discovered, I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) for many years. The symptoms of IBS can be similar to the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer but because I had IBS symptoms for so long, I assumed that it couldn't have been cancer related.

Well what is all this about, you may ask? The problem is, I have recently been suffering from the pain in the lower abdomen that I used to suffer from before cancer was even suspected. This has gone on for a short while and because I can't be sure which condition is which, I have had to ring my Oncology nurse to tell her what has happened. She has arranged for me to be seen this week and I dare say there will be scans to follow.

If *it* has returned again, then I am truly disappointed that I didn't get a longer remission. So I am pinning all my hopes on Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I never thought I would see the day when I wanted this condition as it really isn't pleasant.

Last week I was in considerable pain but the last few days have been pain free.

I guess only time will tell what is going on in my body but in the meantime, I am left with the usual uncertainty that is not easy to deal with. I guess it will always be like this for me now and I wonder if I will ever get used to it?