Like A Butterfly

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

My posts seem to yo yo from happiness and good things happening to the very worst. I jump from one situation to another, just like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, drifting on the wind.

In my last post I was writing about always expecting the unexpected and I was really happy then. Suddenly my life has been turned upside down again by something unexpected and its not good this time.  I have been suddenly afflicted by really bad pain in my lower back and hip.

Before the days of cancer, I would have accepted it as sciatica because I have always been prone to that and used to go to the Chiropractor to put it right. Ever since being treated for cancer, I haven't been able to have any chiropractic treatment because it is far too risky and might break a bone, made fragile by cancer and radiation treatment. 

I wish I hadn't experienced a burst of enthusiasm last week, when I climbed the portable step ladder and painted two walls. I felt so good when I saw the transformation and had planned to paint two more. Its not as if I was doing a thorough job, like moving everything out and doing the ceiling and all the wooden paintwork. No, I was doing a cosmetic job and just lightening the walls and it was really looking better and made me feel good.

Now I have this awful pain and can hardly walk and I am obviously thinking it might be the cancer returning faster than I thought.

So, I have panicked and have brought my Oncology appointment forward by weeks and I am going today to be seen after the afternoon clinic finishes and to be prepared to wait a very long time, bring a book and plenty of Paracetamol because that is all I was advised to take for now. 

I will not find out anything today, only a scan can really tell me what is going on and believe me, the amount of scans I have had over the last two years is enough to give me cancer.  However, at least I will be in the system again and will get a physical examination and be put on a waiting list for a scan if the hospital think thats what I need. I will get advice on painkillers and such like. I have been down that road before and don't want to be doped up, but it is surprising how pain will change one's mind and in the end there is no choice. 

This post isn't meant to whinge but to be a source of therapy by writing and to be an account of what is happening to me for future reference. I regard my blog as a journal so I'm sorry if it is taken as a grumble. Its all part of the journey when I flit from one state of mind to another.

Much Ado About Nothing?

In my last post, I was in a state about the water running down the wall and causing damp to get under the wallpaper in the bathroom, causing mould to grow through the paper and the beginnings of the same in the room beneath.

We couldn't get hold of a plumber who was known to us (unless we took pot luck by getting some one in from The Yellow Pages.) This is always a risky thing to do.

We realised that there must be a problem with the ballcocks in the two tanks connected to the central heating in our roof space, causing the overflow to be in use. The problem was..... where was the outside overflow and why wasn't the water running clear of the wall? On closer examination, it appeared that the overflow had been cut off by the men who had put new facial board on the back of the house when they decorated it over ten years ago. This meant that the water came out from beneath the facial board and tricked down the wall unnoticed until it started to seep through the wall. Obviously there hadn't been a problem with the overflow until recently and that is why it wasn't discovered before.

My son, Sam, went up to the roof space and looked into the tanks and was able to see the need for two new ballcocks and they were easily replaced. Trouble was now, there was a slight leak on the outside of the tank for some reason, that would in time come through the ceiling in the bathroom. So now we had to put a container under the drip and we worked out that this would need emptying twice a day because it took quite a while to fill the container.

In the meantime, my son managed to get a plumber friend to come and see the problem. He called round today and he was very efficient and knew what to do immediately and for a very reasonable price.

The trouble with the facial board can be dealt with maybe in the warmer weather as it will not cause any more problems for a long time.

If I still could get in touch with the men who chopped the pipe off because it would be easier to fit the facial board, then I would. However, after ten years I feel that they are long gone from our lives.

This week has been very up and down for me. The weather went very cold just at the time that the wet was coming into the house and my pain was playing me up and I felt depressed. It is now a month since the last radiation treatment and I have been very disheartened not to be feeling better than I am. I was told the pain would peak after a couple of weeks and then start to diminish. This didn't seem to be happening to me. On top of that I have heard of the death of two other cancer suffers within the last week or so whom I was relating to and thinking that they were a good example of delaying this awful disease with courage....... and now they are gone.

Will I be the next? It is only natural to wonder. Harry, who also has late stage cancer, just says *What will be will be* but I cannot sit back and think like that and am kicking up a fuss. Anything to delay it for a while yet. I have to get to seventy at least but realise that I haven't got a God given right to do so. However, I will give it my best shot.

What Can People Say?

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

As the week is passing by, I am reducing my pain relief considerably, and apart from my usual arthritic pain, I am enjoying the freedom from that dreadful bone pain I had prior to the radiation treatments.

Pain is the very opposite of all that is good in life.

It has the power to impair a brain's functioning. It drains your energy. It takes over your mind, your body, your thinking, your creativity.

Like the pains of childbirth, when it has stopped, the severity of it disappears somewhere into the unconscious mind and a little door is shut on it. It isn't until there is a repeat experience of it that you remember how awful it is again.

At present, I am just having to wait and see what happens next and try enjoy each day as it comes.

This doesn't come easily to me.... the born worrier.

Will IT come back?

However, each day is a gift of extra life...... a bonus.

All that I know is ..... that I feel things more intensely. My family and friends mean more to me than before. The sky, the garden flowers and colours all seem more intense than they did before. My freedom seems more important too and I am making plans to go to the singing group again and take trips to the sea.

Everything that isn't life threatening seems to be quite unimportant to me. I used to worry about the most ridiculous things. I wasted so much time doing this.

People, on the whole, seem to be friendly and supportive towards me. However, there are still some who feel terribly awkward when they spot me and would rather run into a shop than to have to say anything.

I feel it is better to risk not saying the right thing than to run away. I don't think there is a right or a wrong thing to say anyway. Just be yourself.

I don't think people find it easy to meet up with anyone who is having a close brush with death. I think its not in our culture. "If I don't have to talk about this, I don't have to face up to the problem of cancer."

They feel threatened when they get close to someone with persistent cancer. It makes them feel under threat too. "If this can happen to her, then it could happen to me. I'd rather not think about it right now."

It is a big problem. One only has to spend a short time in Oncology to realise just how common the problem is.

I hope by talking about it that I will help others to drop their barriers a bit, though much of the time I want to be treated as normal. I am Maggie, the same person as I have always been ..... I experience the same things as you and face the same fears as you.

I just happen to be battling cancer.

I don't always want to talk about it but sometimes I do because my whole life is so tied up with how it affects me and how it makes me feel.

One day it will get me but not yet. I have so many things I want to see.

I want to see my granddaughters at least get settled into Secondary school. I want to share in the joys of their new house. I want to be able to do things with them again.

Amber, my eldest granddaughter, on hearing that I had finished my treatment, said to me, "Oh good now you can start doing things with me again."

She knows that I have cancer and she also knows I've had a problem with a sore bottom. Goodness only knows what she has said at school. (Don't forget that I used to work there.)

Some people see me standing in the playground and look the other way. Some of them are work mates or parents I knew very well. They are not all like that though, by any means.

I often just open my arms and say, "Yes, I'm still here." That seems to break the ice and put others at their ease.

One person who I thought I knew extremely well said to me. How can you just keep acting normal when this is happening to you?"

Well my answer really is, "What else can I do? Do I just lie down and wait to die? It might take a long time and it would be a bit of a waste of time, don't you think?"

I am learning to laugh at this because it is a terrible problem and one that any body might have to face sooner or later.

So how about seeking out someone you know who might be battling cancer or any other disease (that people find difficult) that takes you out of your comfort zone?

You might make a difference in that person's life. More than you think.

Rabbits' Progress

Photos Copyright: Maggie May

Some people might be wondering how the rabbits are getting on.

I am pleased to say that they are as devoted to each other as ever and spend most of their time playing and sleeping snuggling up to one another. That is when they are not racing about and wrecking everything that gets in their way in their enclosure.

Lily has a voracious appetite and I have to be careful that Ash doesn't go without, as he doesn't seem to eat as fast as she does.

She seems to be moulting and losing the long hair from her back.

Lily likes to leap onto the towel that is secured by pegs on top of their cardboard box. So far it has held her weight and I think it makes a perfect hammock. However when Ash tried to do that, the whole thing gave way and he crashed to the floor. He has never repeated that experience which he obviously didn't like. I wonder how long Lily will get away with this little habit before the *roof* caves in?

This time last year was a difficult time for me as I was newly diagnosed with cancer and waiting for chemotherapy.

The memory of it seems to be coming back when I least expect it to. I imagine that the anniversary of anything difficult is bound to be significant, even when you don't realise just how much you might be affected by it.

I am very grateful to be alive and well right now.

I was very thrilled to be chosen by Hadriana's Treasures to be nominated for her Weekly Award that she designed herself.

Many thanks for the lovely write up, Hadriana. Much appreciated. Why not pop over and see her very informative blog and share in her treasures.

Prayers For A Brave Lady

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

I find after suffering from cancer and having chemotherapy, that I have much empathy towards other people who are going through the same thing.

One lady who I have *met* through blogging, is Lakeland Jo from Windermere in Cumbria. When she learnt that her cancer had returned and was not operable, she went to London and approached the Royal Marsden for a second opinion. That was a very long way to travel from the lake District. After yo-yoing between yes and no for a good while, the hospital finally agreed to a very risky and lengthy operation that has been going on for most of today (Wed).

Being a Christian, she believes in the power of prayer and I know that prayer helped me tremendously when I was first diagnosed with cancer, when I was in a devastated state and also while having chemo.

Jo's husband has posted an update here and she was still under anaesthetic when he wrote it and she had a long way to go. However Jo was doing very well and things looked positive.

I think that she will need a long recovery from such an operation and I would urge all the people who prayed or sent up positive vibes for me, to please do the same for Jo.

Maybe that is why we go through bad times, so that we can help others through their suffering too. Its the only way that I can make any sense out of it at all.

I know that you won't let me down and I can't tell you enough how I value all the friendships that I have through blogging.

I am pleased to say that Jo has pulled through the operation, here and the outlook seems to be pretty good. She will need our prayers as she recovers over the next few weeks.

Changing Moods and Skies.

Photos Copyright: Maggie May

Sometimes it is good to get away from everybody and go off somewhere on my own.

I haven't a lot of choice about where to go, but last week I hopped onto a bus (using my free pass), and took the hour long journey to my local sea side. It is the easiest place to get to by bus as they run frequently during the day time.

A visit there, always makes me feel better, somehow and is the place where I am able to recharge my batteries ready to face the world again.

You can tell that the sea and sky have moods just like we all do. This outing started off as a pleasant day. A typical, warm Autumnal day and the sea was in, which is quite unusual, as chances are that it could be miles out of view on any given visit. Unless you study the tide times, which I don't.

The new pier, which isn't yet open, looked good against a calm, lonely sea. Not many people were here at this time of the year, as schools are back and it was a weekday.

In the space of half and hour or so, the sky looked threatening and overcast.

A bit like my mood can turn sometimes.

I had a lot on my mind.

Waiting for my recent CT scan results. Knowing that as my hair re grows, so might my cancer be re growing too because I have been warned that at some point it will probably come back. It is a question of how long away in the future. No one can tell.

Every ache or pain that I have, might be something sinister. It is not an easy place to be. However I do realise that I am living on borrowed time and I am grateful to be alive now and to be given this second chance.

The illness that my husband has and the uncertainty of when he will be starting chemo is very much on my mind too. Then there are so many other things that I want to blog about but can't for obvious reasons.

So I do have real cause to be down some days and it wouldn't be human not to feel this way.

The situation with the darkening sky seemed to get worse and I moved for cover before the first droplets of rain came down. It didn't last long though and the sun came out again eventually, just as my mood changed too.

I ate an ice-cream, looked round the shops.

There is an immense sense of freedom as I do these things and choose where I will go and what I will do.

I always feel better after an outing on my own and my mood always lifts.

After all, everything is in the hands of God. I cannot do anything about these things, so it is silly to dwell on them.

I am pleased to say, that my CT scan showed no sign of disease, so that has made me really happy and I can forget about it for another three months at least.

A Sad State Of Affairs

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

My friend, Squirrel is very worried about her sister right now.

She lives in USA and has been there a long time. Originally, she followed an American man that she'd met, who happened to be married, but split from his wife (or so she believed).

It is the usual story....... she became pregnant with his child and they set up home together

in the States and had a son, Zac, who is now school-aged.

I am not going to judge them, why should I? It happened and cannot be reversed.

After some time, things started to go wrong between the two of them and the man left Lynne and went back to his wife.

Being an American citizen, the boy's father had overall say in where Lynne's son went and the boy is not allowed out of the country and possibly out of the State they live in, though Lynne does have custody of him. This is making Lynne a virtual prisoner.

The father wants custody of Zac and his wife wants to adopt him.

It looks like they stand a good chance of this happening because Lynne has discovered that she has breast cancer and has no health insurance.

Zac, being an American citizen and a child, is fully insured, but Lynne simply couldn't afford to pay for her own health insurance.

As she is a British Citizen, Lynne could get free treatment for her cancer over here, but of course she cannot bring her son back and will not leave him. So now she would sooner die than lose her son, but by dying she will lose him anyway and I'm sure her son would rather have her alive.

This is a terrible state of affairs and what I want to know is..... all my American readers......., what do other people do over there, who find themselves in this situation? Surely it can't be that unusual? I really cannot get my head round it.

Playground Mentality

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

This is not cause for excitement. I haven't had a rapid hair regrowth.

This photo was taken deliberately with messed up hair ages ago, as I wanted to illustrate a post about a bad hair day. It is somewhere in the archives if you want to look it up.

While I had the children with me last week, Amber the oldest, was sitting snuggling up to me and she had put her hand under my headscarf and she remarked about my hair growing again. I let her see the new growth. It is mostly white and fine like baby hair. If I run my hand over the scalp, then it feels quite prolific. Most of it is very short and, maybe under half an inch. However, there are rogue hairs about an inch long, every now and then. They stand up tall like a plant sucker does.... reaching for the sun. Some are darker coloured.

I had been wearing a cotton head scarf as we are now in the throws of a heatwave in England and I had never realised before how one's head can get so easily over -heated and sweaty in Summer weather, as well as painfully cold in the Winter.

Our hair seems to moderate the amount of heat we need in just the right way.

I had taken mine for granted before and it wasn't until I lost it all that I realised this.

So don't worry about bad hair days. If you have hair, then enjoy it and be glad.

Anyway, when I put the scarf back on, Amber said, *Granny, you are only wearing a hanky. Aren't you scared it will fall off and everyone will think you are bald and make fun?*

*Do you really think people would do that?* I asked

*I am still the same person that I always have been and if people liked me with hair, then they would probably still like me without. Don't you think that they would realise that I was having chemo even before the scarf fell off? Surely they would think I was brave for still going out.*

I went on to explain that if a person did laugh (and I suppose that there are people who might), then they were not really friends at all or very nice people and that it is silly to laugh because no one knows if it might happen to them one day when they are old.

I have got to be careful not to worry them about getting cancer as children. That must be devastating. They think it just happens to older people and that is how I intend to leave it.

Sam is back now and has taken the girls home. I have been terribly ill with this wretched bug that I caught off Granddad. He is much improved but still taking it easy. I think it is years since we both felt so ill. Even compared to chemo.

I am going to Oncology on Wednesday, so will ask about what I am dealing with. Is it really a virus? Or is it something worse? You see, I am thinking about those rogue hairs, galloping away faster than the others.

Why was I born with a questioning mind? It works against you at times.

Mrs MacGrady and Me

In a recent post, I explained that Amber, my oldest granddaughter who is seven, came bounding into the house exclaiming, "I know what your illness is........ its called cancer."

At the time that remark struck through me like a knife because I hadn't mentioned that word to either of my granddaughters and I wondered if some one else had talked to Amber.

She went on to tell me that she had seen a children's programme on TV, about a school cook who was diagnosed with cancer.

Although I am not a cook, I am a dinnertime supervisor and work in an after school club, I thought it was a bit of a coincidence that I should suffer a similar fate to Mrs MacGrady and I managed to track the programme down to see what it was really about.

After viewing it, I was struck by several things. In this video the dinner lady goes through all kinds of things that I have been through. Feeling not too bad when the treatment started, then losing hair and having to wear headgear, feeling ill, needing support and eventually going back to the usual routine with still no hair after a long, long time.

I particularly like the way that cancer was explained to young children. Healthy cells being likened to flowers and cancer to the weeds that were growing among them. The medicine that killed the weeds caused the hair to fall out and made Mrs MacGrady feel ill.

There is also a mention of Lance Armstrong, who won the Tour De France, and the childrens' encounter with him.

That in itself seemed quite a coincidence because a young guy from church lent me the book, *Not About The Bike* ..... how Lance Armstrong overcame cancer and went on to win the Tour de France. He even gave me a wristband to wear to remind me how he had overcome cancer after a big struggle.

The video is in three parts but I think it is well worth watching if you can ...... because I think it is an excellent way of telling children about an illness which they will surely come across sooner or later.

I think it is a Canadian cartoon.

I am really glad I found it.

What do others think?

Children's Version of Things

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

After six days I have just managed to get out for a little walk and saw these lovely daffodils growing a long a path. It was a lovely day, in fact there have been some lovely days all week but I haven't felt well enough to go out.

Chemo 5 has not been easy for me and I have felt excessively tired and my skin reacted horribly to it and it will take a good while for the scratches to heal.

I have not felt anywhere near normal and was worried about the effects this is having on my family, not least my granddaughters.

Not long ago, my seven year old granddaughter, Amber came rushing in and said, "I know what your illness is called. Its cancer." That remark went through me like a knife but I didn't let her see that.

As it wasn't a word I have used in front of the children, I thought someone else must have filled her in so I asked her how she knew.

Apparently, there was a programme on Children's TV about a dinner lady who had to miss school for a very long time because she had an illness called cancer. The programme even showed the dinner lady coming back to school in a wig because she had lost her hair.

I was quite impressed by that programme that could have been written about me.

The other day, I was feeling quite miserable with my symptoms and was sitting watching TV, when my five year old granddaughter, Millie, sat on the arm of the chair and snuggled up to me saying, "Grannie, how are you feeling?"

I explained that I was tired & itchy and she told me that I would be better if I went to bed.

She asked me if the good medicine was still fighting the bad things in my body and she asked me if I had been ill for nine years.

It must seem endless to this little child.

She then went on about my hair and told me that she couldn't remember how I had looked before.

I did feel sad for her and hoped she would remember that I hadn't always been like this. I was once energetic and took them out and was a much more interesting Grannie.

She has always been a caring little child and some of the things she said made me feel like weeping.

Diagnosis

Photo copyright: Maggie May

I have come back from the hospital after a three hour wait for the results of the scan.

My chemotherapy will start in two weeks time.

I will have to have two different chemicals dripped into my body over a period of four hours. This will be repeated every three weeks until six sessions have been completed. Half way through, I will have a scan to see if the tumours are shrivelling. Yes....... they found two more tiny ones behind my stomach.

I will lose my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows as well as any other hair that might be lurking about.

Strange thing is...... they still don't know where this cancer has come from and probably never will. I have probably not had it long. It is unusual for this to happen, but then I am an extraordinary person.

I cannot work in a school because my immune system will get very low. I must also not be in charge of the grandchildren as I will not feel well enough. That will be a blow to my family but cannot be helped. I am fighting for my life here so need to only think of myself.

If all goes well I will be in remission by May.

I hope you will all bear with me if I don't comment as much after the next two weeks. It will all depend on how I feel.

I will live from day to day and as I said before, I don't want this to be a cancer blog. I hope to be able to write about other things too.

The Scream

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Yesterday when I was really hurting though I was trying not to show it in front of the girls, Millie, the youngest drew a picture on the blackboard with chalk.

I thought then, that this was the perfect picture of how I felt. She had unwittingly captured it with chalks.

It is easy to fob off children at the age of nearly five and seven.

They asked me why I wasn't at school ( because they know I work there lunchtimes.)

I told them I had to have my stitches out and that I had been a bit sore and that I felt sad.

That was readily accepted and off they went.

Of course the older grandsons are a different matter altogether. I had been dreading phoning my daughter because she has already had so much stress through her husband's illness and death last year. However she phoned me during the time they were at school. We cried a lot and got that out of our systems. However, when she phoned me again in the evening for a further chat, she told me she had got on touch with the hospice where her husband had died and where she still goes for councelling. She asked what she should say to the boys about my cancer. They love me dearly and have already been hurt by cancer and loss.

The hospice strongly advised her to tell the truth.

So she said to Dean the 11 year old that Granny had cancer and his eyes brimmed with tears. She asked him if he wanted to know the details and he shook his head. She then went on to ask if he would like to know if Granny had some good things happen in her illness and he said that he did want to know about those things.

This is the lad that cannot go to the grave of his father or even talk about him. He is shutting it away.

Rick is 13 and autistic and Deb thought that he might show the wrong emotion because he sometimes gets confused and giggles at inappropriate moments. So when he was told that Granny had cancer, he just shouted "I hate that word cancer...... I hate it!" But he didn't cry or show anything other than anger. He also said he didn't want to know details of my illness but readily agreed that he would like to know of any progress I make.

Of course all this started me off crying again, however, when I woke from a sparse and restless sleep this morning, I knew what I had to do. I must compile all my thoughts, struggles, love and everything that is in my life and write it down so that this blog will be there for the family long after I am gone. And..... I don't plan to go anywhere too soon.

So here we are in a slightly more fighting mood than yesterday. No good kicking doors down, knowing me I'd probably break a foot.

Eddie and I told the doctor all our fears about not starting treatment straightway.

The Doctor examined me in lots of places and didn't feel anything obviously was wrong. He said that he thought I was a very fit person and that it really was very essential to get to find out exactly what kind of cancer that they are dealing with as treatments vary and he would hate to start me off on the wrong one and spoil my chances later.

He thought two weeks was a quick time to get to see the gynaecologist and he has booked me in for an MRI scan. (There is a waiting list for that though.)

In the meantime I am eating chocolate and comfort food and to hell with the 5 fruits & veg that I have been religiously sticking to.

I will get back to healthy eating eventually.

Thank you all for your continued support, prayers and positive vibes that have helped me no end..... for my faithful blog followers and the ones who read my blog but don't comment........ you know who you are. Also for the friends who come round and hug me in person and do all sorts of little things for me.

I won't forget all the kindness....... I really will not. I appreciate all of you.

One of you said something that made me think. Everyone has been sending up prayers for Maggie May and are the prayers really benefiting me? (Gulp!)

Well if all the hairs on our heads are known and counted as Jesus said they were...... then he knows surely who I am. My name is Maggie and you all know where I live. So you can offer up prayers to Maggie in Bristol UK and you can be sure they will benefit me.

The Results...

Photos copyright: Maggie May

I got this post prepared so that I could tell everyone some really good news after seeing my consultant this morning. I was going to title it *Everything Coming Up Roses*

However, every thing changed in the flash of an eyelid, when the consultant told me I had secondary cancer.

He said it was coming from the uterus. How the Hell could that be? I had a hysterectomy thirty years ago?

Just tell me how?

I feel like kicking doors down. I feel really upset....... too upset to write personal email. I am sorry about that. I will no doubt get over it.

So now...... wait for it......... I am having to go back on a waiting list to see a specialist in womens' problems (that I can't even spell.)

I might be hearing from them within two weeks. Two more weeks of Bloody Hell!

I assume then there will be tests and more waiting for scans & possible surgery. I seem to have gone right back to the start again. A bit like *snakes and ladders*. And all the time this thing inside me is spreading. I just want to start treatment. Is that too much to ask?

My lovely brother is going with me to the doctor this afternoon to push for some treatment.

Forgive me for my tantrum I don't intend this blog to end up as a cancer blog.

Please pray for me. I can't.

Roses From America

I am at a loss as to what to say really. Behind the scenes I have been really worried because a couple of months ago I discovered a lump in my groin and after leaving it a few weeks hoping it would go away (as you do), I went to the doctor who thought it was a hernia and that I would need an operation.

Before that happened I was to have an ultra scan and see a Consultant in our local hospital. That happened last Saturday and I was told then that it definitely wasn't a hernia, so I was worried.

Today I was summoned to the hospital quite urgently and was told that they think I have a lymphoma (cancer) and they have booked me in for surgery on Monday. This is in order that they might look at the gland in order to see what they are dealing with.

I have told one or two people before this post and Jackie from Teacher's Pet, sent me these lovely cyber flowers from America which I thought was very kind of her. (I feel quite pleased that I managed to get them into this post unaided and everyone knows that I am a technophobe.)

Anyway........ I am very grateful for prayers from everyone who can spare them and please all of you keep on praying that something can be done for me.

I am not sure when the results of the operation will get back to me or when my treatment will start.

We already have enough to worry about in the family as my husband has been battling cancer for seven years and my sister in law too.

I have always had to be the strong one and help my family out and now this has come along and messed up everything. My lovely son, Sam has promised to help me through it for a few days while I have the operation and he has promised to get the decorations finished in my kitchen.

I am going to find it very hard telling my daughter the news, as she lost her husband last year and my grandsons lost their father. They are just beginning to get their lives back together again and now they have to cope with this too. Please pray for them too.

Sorry to be a damper but I am quite bowled over with the grief that my family are going to feel. Yes...... it is a kind of grief even though no one has died. You see I have been there before....... when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and my husband with his cancer. It is not the patient who suffers the most. It is their family. Somehow it seems to be worse for them.

This is not the post I was going to send out today.

I have several in my drafts folder but they can wait until next week.

Life Ain't A Bed Of Roses!

These roses are not mine. They are hanging over a neighbour's wall that I pass most days. I remembered to take my camera today and snapped them. As I walked by, wafts of lovely perfume enveloped me.

However, I am feeling like a rant! 

Life Ain't Like a Bowl of Cherries.........  and it Ain't a Bed of Roses either!

I read other people's blogs and I know that some of you are having a really tough time. However, we are OVERWHELMED! Overwhelmed by bloody cancer mostly! Most of you know that Harry is battling with prostate cancer and Rupe, my son in law has had brain surgery to remove a secondary cancer that stemmed from malignant melanoma from a tiny mole on his shin twelve years previously. Neither of those two can be cured and are being treated with drugs in Harry's case and radiotherapy in Rupe's case. Well that is only two people isn't it? No it is blimmen not! My sister in law, Gloria, had breast cancer twelve years ago and suddenly her arm is three times the size it should be and her shoulder hurts like mad and now it seems that the Big C has caught up with her again. What is going on? She is younger than me and her children are younger as my brother married later in life. She really doesn't deserve this. None of them do!

Strange how in both cases the cancer returned after twelve years.

Rupe & Debs (my daughter) were going through hell before the cancer struck and it looked as though their marriage was well and truly over. She was biding her time, waiting for the children to get older. Now she would be "The Big Bad Wolf" if she left him. However, he continues to treat her in a controlling way, wanting her to give up her job and monitor everything she does and he criticizes her continually so that her personality is in shreds. Well I am really upset about it. No one wants to see their daughter like that.

Oldest grandson is finding things difficult, and school wants to have tests done to see if he is autistic. I have wondered from time to time myself if he had autistic tendencies, though if he has, then it is not a severe case. Now he has broken his elbow, when he fell off his bike! Well that can be mended at least!

We had a good holiday, you may well think. Yes we did until Wednesday, which was half way through it and we decided to go to the theatre.  I was really enjoying a little family of entertainers involving children. I glanced at Harry and he looked really ill and I managed to get him into the foyer where he collapsed on me and became unconscious. He came round and was violently sick, everywhere! An ambulance was called and off we both went to Scarborough Hospital which is half way to Whitby and further than I could imagine. After waiting there for several hours in A & E, in very smelly clothes, it was announced that he had food poisoning, which I couldn't understand as no one else had it. We were discharged in the middle of the night, clothes stinking to high Heaven & I managed to persuade a taxi driver to take us back to the hotel and explained husband had not been drinking but had been ill. The hotel promised to get  the clothes laundered as Harry only had the one jacket & it was a good pair of trousers, too.

The day of departure the clothes were returned to me in sacks in the same condition as they were when I handed them in! That was a wonderful job waiting for me when I got home!

I wouldn't be surprised if you had all gone away by this stage! It would be understandable if you had. No one likes a Moaning Minnie! Well, that's how it goes sometimes!

I am going to call this place MOODY MANSION because there are so many moody people here at the moment. Well OK so Sam's house is not selling and he & Kaiko are still here and not living in the lovely little place of their own. But it is not my fault and there seems to be little sense in making ME the scapegoat!

I also would like to get a shower when I want and not have water flooding everywhere in kitchen and bathroom and to be able to give the washing machine a rest before it is flogged to death. Fortunately Amber and Millie don't mind being here and snuggle up to Granddad and me and show great affection.

I am thinking of having a plaque printed. It will be put on the porch door and will read:-

Welcome to Moody Mansion!

You don't have to be moody to visit here, 

But a sense of humour would sure help!

Quite honestly, if I didn't laugh I would cry at the situations I am finding myself in.

Loneliness

In Weekend Wandering this week David asks us "Have we ever felt lonely?"

I think that loneliness is a state of mind and the times that I have felt utterly alone, I have never really been alone at all, but have usually had people with me or around me. I have been in situations where I am completely alone and yet I am at peace with myself and can't say that I feel lonely in situations like that. In fact being alone sometimes can be uplifting if there is peace in your heart.

I remember, as an adult student, being in an art class surrounded by other people yet I felt really lonely. It was my wedding anniversary (I can't remember which one) but earlier that day, my mother had rung me to say that the results of a biopsy had proved she had breast cancer and she had to go in for emergency surgery. That was in the days before the good success rates that we have now. I had told one or two friends of my fears, but they had not reacted in the way that made me feel they understood, and it was just like I'd told them that I had a cold and that it wasn't really very important! But is was to me! 

That particular story had a happy ending as my Mum survived well into old age and died of something else.

But I did feel lonely........... before I knew.

I remember staring at the curtains of a waiting room screen. Red and orange and lime green scrolls of abstract pattern. Not a good combination of colours at all but forever stamped in my brain. "It's cancer," the consultant said, as if he was saying "It's an in growing toenail." That was six years ago and Harry had just been diagnosed. We were there together but I felt so alone that you couldn't imagine. I guess Harry felt the same, but he never talks about how he feels, so that makes me feel even more lonely.

One year later we were back again, to be told, "The operation has not been a success, this time we cannot cure it, only treat it." More feelings of intense loneliness in a crowded place.

This is like a repeated pattern in my life. When bad news comes my way it brings intense loneliness. Only when others have suffered the same thing do I feel it is shared to some degree.

Going back to a time when I was only twenty something and I'd just given birth to our second child, our daughter. We were glad to have a daughter it made our family complete. It was just what we wanted and now we had one of each. I'd felt elation after our son was born, but what was wrong with me? I felt nothing! Just excessively tired and uninterested, "Just let me sleep" I wailed, only I couldn't sleep. As the weeks went by the post natal depression washed over me and I felt more and more alone. "What is wrong with you?" every one asked me. "You should be happy." There was even the comment, "You should be ashamed. Well I was, wasn't I? I didn't need to be told. 

She was five months old before I could really enjoy her and nearly one year before I felt  any thing like I was normal. Depression brings about the worst feelings of loneliness that you can ever imagine if you haven't been there.

These have been my worst feelings of loneliness and it is always good to meet other people who have experienced the same thing as me because then I think "Yes," that person really knows the situation and has been there. 

There have been many other times I've been lonely, like when I was lying in hospital after being concussed through being knocked off my bike by an elderly car driver, who ran away when she saw what she'd done. I was left alone in one of the busiest streets of the city, with lorries and cars racing all around me. Well I didn't know anything at the time or that a stranger had helped me and stayed with me & wrapped a child's nappy round my head to stem the flow of blood. The loneliness kicked in when I was lying in hospital without visitors for 2 days and nights, as all the family were living a long way away and Harry was working somewhere far off and couldn't come and see me hardly at all. Looking at other people's visitors made me feel alone, though I wasn't alone, I was in a busy place. But this wasn't as bad as receiving bad news or facing the death of some one I loved. That too can be a very lonely experience.

So true loneliness seems to be when you feel that no one is there for you or there's no one who understands your situation and has nothing to do with being on your own at all. Unless, of course, you know otherwise. In which case let me know.