The Battle Goes On

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

Some things just go on from one year to the next without too much attention. My roses are like that, appearing faithfully every summer no matter what happens to them. If only humans were the same.

The last few weeks have been difficult for me as I haven't been really well. I have tended to throw myself into other things, like the singing...... to take my mind off my present situation.

Well, I have seen the top Consultant at Onchology and I have had the results of the CT scans and bone scan that I have recently undergone, and there is no doubt now that I have a tumour on the coccyx (tail bone.) This is excruciatingly painful and I am drugged up a bit to mask it.

Well..... what can be done? I was groaning inwardly about having to have more chemo.

However, I am now on a waiting list to start radiotherapy to try and blast this thing off the bone.

It seems that I will be starting treatment next month.

There are various side effects and other organs close by might be damaged, which might mean operations and minor disability if things go wrong.

I did feel rather depressed by all this, but as the Onchologist explained, if the chemo hadn't been as successful as it was, I would have had 4 months to live at the very outside. That was in December 2009, so I am one of the lucky ones, so I have been repeatedly told, to have survived this long, against statistical odds.

This is the first time that I have been told this bit of information and if I'd known this at the time I was having chemo, then I might not have had the will to pull through.

I have a good chance of a longer life after radiation treatment and I completely trust the Onchology team.

So I am mustering up my strength and courage and throwing myself into God's hands and hoping for the best. As far as I am concerned, the sooner I start treatment the better.

Back Today

Sorry about that blip, which I wasn't expecting.

I was able to read your comments from time to time.

It was so encouraging to read your good wishes and know that everyone is rooting for me. That means so much to me.

I had meant to keep this blog fairly cancer free and carry on writing like I used to...... with humour and photos and memes etc. However, that is never going to work now as I am being treated for cancer and I feel every day there is a struggle to just do the necessary things for survival. I have got some things in draft form and later on I will post them. Today though, I feel that I have to be true to myself and I guess you are all wondering what I really feel like. I think it would be more real to be honest and if anyone is upset by it, then I'm sorry. Some of you have already been treated with chemotherapy and am really pleased you took the trouble to write to me and encourage me.

The treatment is different for everyone and each person is probably being treated very differently from someone else.

When I had the the chemical put in through a drip (it took hours) I had been told that if it got onto the skin it would cause burns. How the body copes with it I do not know. So its not surprising that it has taken its toll and given me some nasty side effects.

The worst part, I think was not knowing what is going to happen to me and for how long. I got a list of possible side effects and other cancer suffers could tell me what they felt. Its not the same though and I had nothing to go on as to how I would cope.

The main problem that hit me straight away was screaming joint pain. Obviously I have arthritis at my age and that seemed to be amplified big time. The thought of that going on for months made me wonder whether it was worth it. Fortunately for me that passed after several days.

The next thing was even worse.

I became extremely negative and had visual disturbances ....... things that slithered on the floor like snakes. I knew they were not real but I thought I was going mad. I kept feeling I couldn't go on with it and the family had to get me to a locum doctor, who said I wasn't psychotic but the chemicals were causing me to have visual effects. Fortunately this only lasted a few days.

The sickness had already set in by then and I couldn't keep anything down. I was getting so weak. I didn't think my body would cope. Not being able to drink anything, the hospital was considering having me admitted to the ward if it continued.

Yesterday, I felt I was able to think more clearly and waves of tiredness consumed my body and I slept for hours.

My wonderful daughter gave me a tiny lunch of a baked potato and a small slice of pizza that tasted so wonderful and I managed to keep that down. While I was eating the meal, she had a friend round, who I knew well from the days when all our children were at school together, and I can remember talking to her for a long time and suddenly I woke up and she was gone. I had slept on the settee for a few hours. I went to bed and slept for hours. Seems I cannot get enough sleep.

On arising today, I ate breakfast and drank plenty. My sight had been affected badly in one eye, making me feel I had done real damage to it through these blasted chemicals..... however this morning, I can read again.

I am not as creative anymore. I cannot concentrate. I had hoped to use this recovery time to read and blog. Maybe I will feel stronger soon. I know that the next week or two will make me very vulnerable to infection as my red and white cells and platelets are having to re build to normal.

However, today I am alive and in a better frame of mind and resting. I can eat and drink without being sick. Theres always something to be grateful for and today I am in a positive enough frame of mind........ so I am grateful about that.

However, the thing that I am most grateful for is that I have noticed that the tumour in the groin has diminished considerably...... so it does look as though that is the right treatment for it.

A Modern Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a damsel, who lived in a large city. She eventually met her knight in shining armour and jumped onto his white charger and left the city behind, travelling miles away.

'Well that's what married folk do, isn't it?'

After a few years, the damsel gave birth to the fair haired boy, followed two years later by the brown haired boy.

Their happiness seemed complete.

After the fair haired boy was born, the knight noticed a mole on his shin, that was rough and bled a lot. The knight was told that it was a malignant melanoma, which was quickly removed. Yearly check ups reassured him that it was gone and the dangerous diagnosis was forgotten about in time.

After the brown haired boy was born, the knight became quite ill and had to take some drugs to control a medical condition that had nothing to do with the melanoma. The problem was that these drugs seemed to change the knight's personality for the worse and he grew very angry and critical. He started to control the damsel and did not like her seeing family or friends because he wanted her all to himself. After a while the damsel realized that she was in distress. 

She kept hoping her knight would change back into the man she fell in love with. She wished in vain, for he did not.

The years went by and the constant drip, drip, drip of criticism and the barrage of anger started to chip into her personality just like the rock in the photo has been worn down by the wind and sea constantly beating in to it. The damsel knew that the only way to save herself from being worn away was to leave, but she had nowhere to go. She made a secret plan to leave the knight when the boys were older and she could get outside work to support the three of them. This plan seemed to help her to survive the cruel way the knight was now regularly treating her.

Some time after, the knight developed agonizing headaches and was sick most of the time. It was not long before he was admitted to hospital with a brain tumour. The malignant melanoma had started to spread. An operation was quickly done to remove the tumour and it looked as though the knight would be saved for a while and be able to go back to work.

'This fairy tale is going seriously wrong!'

The problems after the operation started escalating. The anger worsened and the fair haired boy was heard to say, 'When my dad gets angry, my heart shakes so badly, I feel it will burst.' The brown haired boy also admitted that he was afraid of his father.

Now that people knew that, the damsel had no choice but to choose between her boys and the knight. She knew that she loved the boys more and chose them. The knight had to find somewhere else to live for a while, because he found it difficult to manage family life.

People were now divided into two opposing sides. The knight was obviously ill and looked vulnerable in his wheelchair, bald headed and scarred and unable to do much unaided. Some people were very sorry for him and said that the damsel was a disgrace, leaving her sick knight in his hour of need. The other side said that he had brought it all on by himself, with his uncontrolled anger and criticism. They felt sorry for the damsel and all she had to put up with.

Friends tried to help the knight, but he got too sick and had to go back into hospital.

The hospital does not seem to know what is wrong with him.

'Shouldn't people live happily ever after in a fairy tale?'

Neither the knight nor the damsel are happy, but the damsel is recovering from the constant verbal abuse.

But the fair haired boy and the brown haired boy laugh and sing and make a noise without fear and are growing  in confidence again. They seem to have gained the most in this not so lovely fairy tale.

At the moment there is no ending...............

Miscellaneous Updates!

Today I was reading the latest post from Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent, who decided to do an update of all the recent tales she had told about people, that had no out come and had left people wondering........

I must admit there are things that people might be wondering about our lives, so I have copied her excellent idea.

Well the first update is that Japan is managing quite alright without my family! That is rather silly! I just wanted to put in an unusual picture. However, as it depicts a festival of some kind, thought I would give you an update on the May Day activities.

In my post about Morris dancing, here  I told how I'd made a pair of trousers for Sam in very bright colours for him to take part in a display. Some people outside this country didn't know what Morris dancing was, so we put in a link and if you still have difficulty with this, you will be able to look it up.

On the morning of the display, Kaiko was not in the mood to go, as I suppose being her day off she wanted to chill out instead. I think you have to be English to do this mad sort of thing, anyway! So Sam took the children with him early and it was arranged that Harry and I would follow in our own time. It was quite a journey to go, so we didn't want to be stranded there all day.

Harry & I were about to start out on the journey and suddenly received a phone call from Sam, asking if we could bring a spare pair of pants for Amber as she had sat on a dog poo which was on a wall that she was sitting on. Dirty but clever dog to do that on a wall, which makes me think it must have been a fox.

As an afterthought he said, "Oh and would you bring some sewing equipment as the trousers need repairing."

Well, I thought this last bit was a wind up about my sewing, but I did slip in a needle and thread just in case.

When we got there, I quickly changed Amber's trousers & gave her hands a good wash. Then I asked Sam about the trousers and the whole Morris dancing troupe were falling about laughing as  one of the back pockets had almost been forced off. Sam had stuffed it with wallet & phone & obviously had put too much in there. Nothing at all to do with my sewing! 

Anyway, it was good fun watching the dancers & all the locals seemed to enjoy it as much as we did.

You might be all wondering what the outcome is of our son in law, who had a brain tumour removed recently. Unfortunately, it is not a good one, as the test revealed that it was a secondary tumour from the malignant melanoma that he had removed from his shin twelve years earlier. It was a tiny mole that had started to bleed and irritate when he put his socks on.

He is going to have radio therapy but we have been warned that it can't be cured and will keep coming back and no one knows where it will strike next or how long it will take. So this has been a terrible shock.

I feel I need to warn everyone to check your moles out, as I'd hate any one else to have to go through the same thing as our family is right now. 

Sorry to leave on a rather sad note...........