Song and Dance?

No, not dance. I'm not quite up to dancing. However, today I decided to give my singing group a try and a friend, who also wanted to go back to it, went with me. It was good to get back to it but we are right behind, having missed a whole term, so we have to learn eight songs that we didn't know. We didn't realise that we'd chosen the last day of term to go back. So we were given a CD to learn over the holidays in order to catch up. So that worked out very well.

The book in the picture above, was given to me to read from an old boxful of things to be thrown away. At first, I thought it was a children's book but although the cover looks a bit that way, it is for adults judging by what I have read so far.

Actually, it is a set of two books and there are another two similar ones to carry on the story, making that six books altogether. I don't normally go in for long sagas but this first book that I am nowhere near a quarter of the way through, has captured my mind and I can see that this will be my winter reading matter. I will have to get the other books too.

Has anyone else read them and if so did you like them?

Finishing Touches

Photos Copyright: Maggie May

I copied this idea from another blogger. Although I had made crochet blankets before, I liked the way mrsrunofthemillsblogspot another Maggie, used different sizes of squares in her pattern. I also liked the scalloped edge and was not sure about how to achieve this. My crochet skills are very basic.

It took me from May to the present time to use all the wool from my wool bag and to have pieced together a large shape for a blanket. The other Maggie told me through a comment how to make a scolloped edge and she gave me very easy to follow instructions.

I am very pleased with the finished result.

Sometimes I didn't feel like doing any work on it at all and had regular breaks from it while I read a book or did some other activity. However, it gradually started to take shape and as it grew, I became more enthused with finishing it.

I have heard that we are in for a very hard winter so I shall, no doubt, be very glad to have the blanket to cuddle into during an evenings session watching TV.

What Can People Say?

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

As the week is passing by, I am reducing my pain relief considerably, and apart from my usual arthritic pain, I am enjoying the freedom from that dreadful bone pain I had prior to the radiation treatments.

Pain is the very opposite of all that is good in life.

It has the power to impair a brain's functioning. It drains your energy. It takes over your mind, your body, your thinking, your creativity.

Like the pains of childbirth, when it has stopped, the severity of it disappears somewhere into the unconscious mind and a little door is shut on it. It isn't until there is a repeat experience of it that you remember how awful it is again.

At present, I am just having to wait and see what happens next and try enjoy each day as it comes.

This doesn't come easily to me.... the born worrier.

Will IT come back?

However, each day is a gift of extra life...... a bonus.

All that I know is ..... that I feel things more intensely. My family and friends mean more to me than before. The sky, the garden flowers and colours all seem more intense than they did before. My freedom seems more important too and I am making plans to go to the singing group again and take trips to the sea.

Everything that isn't life threatening seems to be quite unimportant to me. I used to worry about the most ridiculous things. I wasted so much time doing this.

People, on the whole, seem to be friendly and supportive towards me. However, there are still some who feel terribly awkward when they spot me and would rather run into a shop than to have to say anything.

I feel it is better to risk not saying the right thing than to run away. I don't think there is a right or a wrong thing to say anyway. Just be yourself.

I don't think people find it easy to meet up with anyone who is having a close brush with death. I think its not in our culture. "If I don't have to talk about this, I don't have to face up to the problem of cancer."

They feel threatened when they get close to someone with persistent cancer. It makes them feel under threat too. "If this can happen to her, then it could happen to me. I'd rather not think about it right now."

It is a big problem. One only has to spend a short time in Oncology to realise just how common the problem is.

I hope by talking about it that I will help others to drop their barriers a bit, though much of the time I want to be treated as normal. I am Maggie, the same person as I have always been ..... I experience the same things as you and face the same fears as you.

I just happen to be battling cancer.

I don't always want to talk about it but sometimes I do because my whole life is so tied up with how it affects me and how it makes me feel.

One day it will get me but not yet. I have so many things I want to see.

I want to see my granddaughters at least get settled into Secondary school. I want to share in the joys of their new house. I want to be able to do things with them again.

Amber, my eldest granddaughter, on hearing that I had finished my treatment, said to me, "Oh good now you can start doing things with me again."

She knows that I have cancer and she also knows I've had a problem with a sore bottom. Goodness only knows what she has said at school. (Don't forget that I used to work there.)

Some people see me standing in the playground and look the other way. Some of them are work mates or parents I knew very well. They are not all like that though, by any means.

I often just open my arms and say, "Yes, I'm still here." That seems to break the ice and put others at their ease.

One person who I thought I knew extremely well said to me. How can you just keep acting normal when this is happening to you?"

Well my answer really is, "What else can I do? Do I just lie down and wait to die? It might take a long time and it would be a bit of a waste of time, don't you think?"

I am learning to laugh at this because it is a terrible problem and one that any body might have to face sooner or later.

So how about seeking out someone you know who might be battling cancer or any other disease (that people find difficult) that takes you out of your comfort zone?

You might make a difference in that person's life. More than you think.

Webs In My Face

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

I have now finished my radiation treatment and I am enjoying my first day of freedom from not having to go every day to Oncology.

I've been warned that I might not feel well for up to a month. I must just do what I feel I can but take it easy.

That sounds good to me.

There is sunshine and warmth and a pretty garden to sit in and many books to read.

If only there weren't so many spiders about.

They are everywhere right now and whatever I try to do outside, I seem to brush my face against a web.

Isn't that the most awful experience? Maybe you like that feeling?

Impressive Or What!

At an open night at the girls' school, Sam and I took advantage of seeing their work.

Amber the oldest granddaughter, showed us a lovely description she had on the wall about her self. We were quite impressed except when we came to the sentence that said, There are two things I don't like. One is my sister and the other is olives.

I spent a good while telling her how mean that sounded and also did she just think of her sister as she would a vegetable. I suppose at least she put her sister before the olive.

Millie, my youngest granddaughter, said to me, "One of the boys in our class did a very loud, long fart when we had to be quiet."

Thinking of what kind of reaction that would have caused in my rather stern schooling, I asked what happened next.

The teacher just remarked,"That was very impressive, Tommy"

I loved that answer. We would have had a very stern dressing down about manners, when I was young. Things are so much better today.

We are all trying so hard not to be too excited about a house that my son and granddaughters have put in an offer for. It is very close to where I live and someone has put in an offer for Sam's house, which is just out of Bristol and it is such a bother to get the children to school and see all their friends, not forgetting visiting Granddad and me. The deal is all in the hands of the Estate Agents and Solicitors now and is subject to contract.

With a bit of luck, they will have moved in by December. Fingers crossed it will all work out. Otherwise there will be some very disappointed people about.

I am nearing the end of my radiation treatment now and am in pain at the moment with lesions and burns. I know they will go in a few weeks, but at the moment I am moaning like Hell.

Saturday Dilemma

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

First of all I would like to apologise to those people who couldn't leave a comment on my last post because of a Blogger glitch. I only knew about it because they asked my brother to pass on a message about their difficulty.

I hope Blogger is working again now.

You might be wondering about the little owl photo on this post.

It was brought round by my friend and neighbour this afternoon.

At first I thought that it was a little bag or purse with a key ring on it. However, when I opened it up there was a strong nylon bag inside. That is ideal for unexpected shopping journeys. You know how easy it is to pop in for a small item and then go on to buy six. Then you notice you haven't sufficient room in your bag.

I am always doing that. Now I can clip this little owl onto my bag and never have to come home with a plastic bag again.

So I am well pleased. I do seem to have some lovely friends, don't I?

I hear some funny things while waiting in the hospital for my treatment to start.

Today I found myself sitting in a corridor with another lady while they prepared the two rooms for our radiotherapy.

The lady started telling me she'd just started having the treatment after a long session of chemo. I remarked that she was extremely lucky to have kept her hair.

She replied that it was a wig.

I was truly amazed because I can usually tell when some one is wearing a wig and this one even seemed to be mottled with grey. Very natural looking.

Anyway, she went on to inform me that while she had been having chemotherapy, another lady had asked her if it was her own hair or a wig and when she answered that it was a wig, the older lady asked if she could borrow it for the weekend while she went to a wedding because it looked so natural.

What a cheek. It would be as bad as someone asking to borrow a set of teeth or a false limb. Just a bit too personal.

We both had a chuckle about that.

It was my oldest granddaughter's 9th Birthday this week. I can hardly believe that she only came to this country five years ago after living in Japan from birth. She has done extremely well with all her English subjects.

However, she is feeling a bit sorry for herself at the moment as she is being taken by her mother to another city every Saturday to a Japanese school for the whole day.

It is the only way that both children can even attempt to keep up with their appropriate school year with reading and writing in Japanese.

The positive thing will be that both children will be fluent in both languages when they become adults and most likely will end up with good jobs because of this.

The downside is that they are doing a six day school week when everyone else is only doing five and they will miss parties with their friends and outings with their dad.

I can remember when I was only twelve and my teeth were overcrowded and my dentist wanted to make more room for them by extracting four good teeth. My mother left me with the choice and I obviously chose not to have the surgery.

I later told my mother that I wished she had made me have it done as my teeth grew crooked.

This seems to be a similar case with the girls and their Saturday school.

They might be glad of the extra tuition on a Saturday if they end up with good jobs as bilingual English/Japanese speakers.

What do others think about this?

Is it good or bad to cram children's schooling with an extra day?

Flare-ups

Photo Copyright: Maggie May

I expect that you are all wondering what it is like to go through radiation treatment.

I can honestly say that it is not as bad as chemo...... not by a long chalk.

However, when I went through chemo, I was ill for a week or so and then started to pick up each day until the next infusion.

Going everyday for radiation treatment might not be as harsh as that but it can make one feel extremely tired all the time and can cause flare-ups of pain.

As my coccyx is involved, it can get really painful. Bone pain can be excruciating so I am still on some meds for it but trying to cut down regularly depending how I feel.

The department I go to is very busy and people of all ages come here from miles around. I'm lucky that I don't have far to go.

The saddest thing is to see little children going through chemo and there are also many younger people than me and a good few are brought in on trollies. This all makes me feel I shouldn't be grumbling.

One day my appointment was cancelled because one of the machines broke down. I have been assured that I will get an extra session at the end of my treatment so there are no problems concerning that.

No one has any idea what is going on in my body. I have been told to concentrate on getting through the treatment and live for the day.

Nothing about my life is certain. I could make myself ill with worry. However, most of the time I am too tired to think too hard or go beyond today.

I do a little job or two each day. Sometimes I can only manage to clean one shelf of the fridge. Other days I romp through the house or go for a walk with no problem. There is no rhyme or reason for this...... no way I can tell in advance how I am going to be. I tend not to make any really important arrangements because I might not be able to keep them.

I am drifting through life and trying not to care.

However, I am glad to be alive.

The sunflowers were brought round by Hetty, a good friend. They lasted a long time.

They were bright and cheerful in my front room.

I am over halfway through the treatment now and hoping non of the terrible side affects (that I had to sign a disclaimer for) will happen to me.

By the end of this month I should have finished the treatment but it will go on working for a month after that. I could feel tired during that month too. Not sure what state I will be in by then. Only time will tell.

I feel I have lost my summer and am dreading the winter weather coming round so soon.